"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I decided the best thing for me to do would be to walk away from this blog while I was still able to love it. I am going to leave it up for myself or anyone else to read if and/or when they wish. I have, however, started a new chapter with a new blog: avanityaffair.wordpress.com 

Thank you all for taking the time to follow me on this incredible, confusing, and spectacular journey. I am a better person because of the support and encouragement from all of you. Thank you for pushing me to pursue my dream of becoming a writer. And, most of all, thank you for believing in me. It made all the difference in the world as I struggled to make it through some of the more difficult times of my life. 

Regardless of what the future holds, I will always remember that for me, it started right here with my beloved Ramblings. May we all have lifetimes filled with laughter, happiness, and God's blessings. 

Haley Lauren Thomas

"Saving the Gulf- One Shot at a Time"

After a lot of thought and a ton of encouragement from friends, I've decided to come back and continue this blog. I have another project that my friend Jamie and I just started, but I have always been able to make time for my precious "Ramblings". So, as an easy way to break the ice, I thought I'd share the rest of the photos that Drew took of us for the Gulf fundraiser we did this summer. All photo credit goes to Drew Freeman, a talented and long-time friend of mine. If you're in the Orlando area and are interested in his photography, you can find him on Facebook at "Drew Freeman Photography". Also, check out his music on youtube! He's awesome!

For those of you that were hoping for a blog entry showcasing writing, rather than photographs, I'll have something for you in a few days. I plan on making quite the comeback. Just wait... you'll see. For the rest of you that were hoping to find something offensive here today, I'm sure you'll find something that fits your needs. People wanting to be offended usually have little trouble fulfilling that desire! Have fun with that :) The rest of us have life to enjoy.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
Muah! xoxo

what comes after the blues

It really kills me to have to write this, but it is something that I feel is necessary.

The reason I started writing a few years ago is simple. I was living in Tuscaloosa, and I went through some pretty rough times. Because of the secretive nature of the situation, I held everything in, rather than talk them out with someone. One day, I just sat down at the computer and began typing. And, the words just kind of formed themselves, almost like my fingers had a mind of their own. It gave me the greatest feeling afterwards, like someone had lifted an enormous weight off of my chest. It made me feel like I could breathe again, which is quite exhilarating to someone that had been afraid to exhale for so long. Ever since then, writing has been a huge part of my persona. Words are my thing. They are my ticket to wherever it is in life that I decide I want to go. In all honesty, my love for writing has saved me more times than I can count. 

Somewhere along the way, I started this blog. At first, it was just something that I was going to try out. However, it quickly became a representative of my soul, allowing the public to see straight into the smallest corners of my being. It was here that I dealt with the loss of loved ones by putting what I was feeling into words. This gave me the ability to look at the situation from the outside in, which gave me a better grasp on things. Once again, my passion for writing saved me, and it continued to do so each time I relapsed and took two steps back in the grieving process instead of one step forward. It evolved from a hobby to a way of life, and fortunately, it was a much healthier way of life than the alternatives I'd previously encountered. It has become a part of my identity, and in all honesty, I think that one of the best parts of me is the intense passion I have for writing.

This is precisely what makes it so hard to walk away from this blog. I have decided that I will leave everything exactly as it is now until I figure out what it is that I wish to do. I do not want to make a rash decision that I will regret just because I am upset, frustrated, and bothered. Because I have to worry about everything I write being offensive to someone that has nothing to do with what I am saying, I am unable to write from my heart. And, even when I have a perfect explanation for the misunderstanding, I feel angry at the idea of having to defend myself for something that I never meant to imply. I promised myself that if I ever felt like I had to write what others wanted to read, instead of what I wanted to say, I would stop and move on. This is not a jab at anyone in particular, and I feel like I have to repeat this just to avoid stepping on anyone's toes. And, that is exactly why I cannot do this anymore. It is not doing anything positive for me. Instead, it raises questions, hurts feelings, and provokes drama, That is exactly what I did NOT want to happen, and I'm incredibly upset that it has come to this. I honestly do not know what I'm going to do without this outlet in my life, which is why I am considering starting fresh with a new blog without ever sharing the web address. Or, I may just bring back the typewriter like it is a hot, new product. Regardless of what I decide to do, I can assure you I will continue to write my little heart out. And, that is the only thing about all of this that truly matters to me. 

Maybe this is how it was all meant to be. Maybe the dark clouds are finally parting, and the urge to leave this part of my journey behind is nothing more than the sunshine peeking through the clouds as they surrender and go their separate ways. Maybe all of this is the beginning of the search for something more. Maybe this is a hunt for former clarity.  Or, maybe this is just what comes after the blues.

forever and almost always,

Haley Lauren Thomas

"I forgot to remember to forget."

Today, I was looking through some of my old blog entries, and I came across the series I'd written as I went through the 5 stages of grief after Brother Larry's death. As I read each one, starting with denial, I could literally feel the way I felt the day I wrote each one. I felt the false hope, the anger, the desperation, the sadness, and the surrender. Strangely enough, it only made me realize how far I've come since then, which comforted me. It made me feel optimistic that one day, life might almost feel normal again.

Sometimes, remembering someone can be just as painful as it is wonderful. But, the memories are something to hold onto, and when they're all you've got, you will cling to them for dear life. For me, remembering the people I've lost in the past two years is a process full of mixed emotions and different methods of healing. When I remember Uncle Randall, I think of the way he told stories. I think of the deep lines in his face, and how his skin felt like paper. I think of how I never once saw him without khaki slacks on. And, I feel peaceful when I remember him, because I cannot bear to remember him the way he was during chemotherapy and radiation. I prefer thinking of him as the angel in khakis drinking coffee and spreading his wings.

When I remember Callie, my stomach just hits the floor. To this day, I cannot fathom why someone as full of life as she would have such a tragic fate. She had an incredible laugh, and if you knew her, you could pick her out from a crowd by the sound of that trademark laugh. But, wonderful things have been done in her memory, and I know that she has had a hand in all of it. She was a go-getter, full of spunk and enthusiasm, and is probably one of the hardest working angels Heaven has ever seen. Everyone misses her so much, though, and it just does not seem fair. I hate seeing her closest friends struggle with this, because I cannot imagine what I would do if my very best friend died. I know that Callie surrounds them as they go through their own healing process.

When I remember Grandmother, I always end up laughing. We all have the funniest "One time, Grandmother..." stories, and when we're all laughing together, I swear I can almost hear her laughing, too. I am at peace with my Grandmother's death, because she had always been healthy and active, and had been so miserable and depressed in the months leading up to her death. She was in pain constantly. And, I cannot bear to think of someone I love as much as I loved (and still do!) my grandmother go from extremely active to barely able to move around her house. I wish I had gotten to say goodbye to her, but even if I had gotten the chance, I probably would not have been able to do it. I am not ready to say goodbye to my only grandparent. I would have been her first grandchild to graduate from college. When I get married, I won't have a "Grandmother of the bride" escorted to her seat. The thought of it leaves a lump in my throat.

The hardest one for me is still Brother Larry. It is really hard for me to write about this, because it is something so deeply imprinted in my soul. A few months ago, my mom made copies of our church's (Alpine Baptist) 175th anniversary celebration DVD. Russell was sitting in the chair and I was laying on my bed when we decided to watch it. As soon as I saw Brother Larry and heard his wonderful, beautiful voice that I'd missed for so, so long, tears just starting rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably. And, it was all out of joy, because I could see him, and he was alive and well and happy and laughing and singing...... I felt like I was in a time machine, and we'd gone back to a year when everyone was so much more innocent, and people believed that nothing horrible could ever happen to such a wonderful group of people.

Unfortunately, there is no time machine, so I have no choice but to continue this process of holding on enough to feel comfort, but letting go enough to heal. When it all boils down to it, though, I think I will always forget to remember to forget, both purposely and unintentionally, if that is possible. And, I will be okay. I have always heard that everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it is not the end. That is all that I need to know.

Photographs by Drew Freeman

This one's for God and the gays

Today was monumental. Today, California declared the marriage ban unconstitutional. Today, our country took a baby step towards equality. Today, men and women all over the United States cheered when the news was released. Today, religious extremists exploded with rage, using verses from The Bible to support their hate. Today, people spoke out about their beliefs on Twitter and Facebook, many of whom would usually avoid discussing such a heated topic. Today, people of all kinds became daring, whether it be out of pride and support or disappointment and worry. Today was an important day in the history of the United States of America.

Because this blog has always been for me to express my true, raw opinions and feelings, I cannot allow myself to hold in what is begging to be written. I am proud to write this. I am blessed to have the freedom to write this. I am not asking you to agree with me. I am, however, requesting that you read this with an open mind and an understanding that it is fueled by love, not anger or disgust. For me, this fight for equality is personal, because some of the people that I love most and am closest to happen to be gay. I have watched them become who they are, and I know how hard they have had to struggle just to be able to be the people they were meant to be. I have seen them be insulted, assaulted, and made fun of, and all because they were holding the hand of the person they love the most in this world. I have seen people judge them as soon as they hear them speak. I have heard them cry over the way people have treated them because they are gay. And, these are the people that have loved me NO MATTER WHAT. They took me for who I really was, and they accepted me and loved me with the kind of loyalty that is rare in this world. They have held me in my darkest hours. They have supported me throughout numerous relationships and the tumultuous breakups that followed. They have defended me without a moment's hesitation. So, it is my honor to do the same for them. It is my absolute pleasure.

I think that the Christians that oppose the ban being lifted are forgetting that God made each of us- gay or straight -and it is not our place to judge another man when we are all sinners. The Bible, which they so often quote in their retorts, also says that no one sin is worse than another. And, the last time I checked, we're all too far from perfect to point our fingers at one another. Do not assume that gay individuals do not believe in God, because many of them do, and they do it with the same amount of dedication and loyalty as many straight men and women. I think the rest of the people that oppose the legalization of gay marriage are forgetting that a gay marriage is still the union of two people that truly love each other. I cannot imagine someone telling me that the love I have for Russell is not valid or legitimate. I would be devastated if I was not legally allowed to marry him one day. And, that is how we should look at it, because a homosexual relationship is not as different from one between a heterosexual couple as many people believe. The only difference is that people feel entitled to openly judge and criticize a gay couple, whether it be on the street, in a restaurant, inside a movie theater, in a friend's home, in the grocery store, or during Sunday brunch with their families.

To be honest, I don't know anybody with a perfect marriage, but I do know many people that have been divorced, and a couple that married for the wrong reasons. We allow them to make mistakes. We allow them to marry the wrong person. We allow them to marry without having to do anything but show their licenses. So, even if someone thinks that marrying someone of the same sex is wrong, why are they so against giving people the chance to find that out for themselves, like straight people get to do? Who in the hell do these people think they are? We most often make vows in weddings in the name of God, not in the name of the government of the United States of America. So, let God make these decisions, people. Worry about yourself and leave the rest to God. I'd say that He's done a pretty good job so far.

sink or swim

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. 
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." 

 -Dory, Finding Nemo

Every once in a while, you will wake up and begin the type of day that changes your life forever. These are the type of days that really "throw you through a loop", as they say. One minute, every single thing in your life makes sense. The next, it is in shambles. The whole Earth seems to stop spinning, if only for a second or two. Your stomach slaps your feet when reality sets in, followed by brief panic. You are now officially in crisis mode, and it is your job to create some sort of plan that can successfully turn everything back to the way it was before the roller-coaster stomach feeling, the panic, and the loop through which you were thrown. These are the days that make us feel guilty for complaining about our boring, monotonous lives. These are the days that make us more aware of the deep attachments we have with certain people, ideas, hopes, dreams, and/or plans. These are the days that feel the longest, followed by nights that feel darker than usual. These are the days that make us feel most alone in this world. These days are long, dark, deep, and immense, like an angry ocean crashing onto a shore somewhere that feels so far away and so familiar all at once. These are the days that change our lives forever, because it is on days like this that we learn how to fight, persevere, and go far beyond what we assumed was our breaking points. These are the days that turn boys into men. And, it was a day like these that made a woman out of me.

I have a deep fear of feeling alone. By alone, I am not referring to being by myself somewhere, because that is not an issue. Instead, I am speaking of a feeling of complete and total emptiness, like an actual piece of your soul is missing. This feeling is raw and brutal, like it could rip you to shreds at any given second. It is almost like the whole world is spinning, but you are standing completely still, surrounded by other people living their lives like nothing had ever even happened. It is then that I feel like I'm in the middle of the deep, dark ocean, screaming for someone to stop and rescue me, and nobody hears my cries. Nobody stops to help. Nobody sees you flagging them down. They just stare right through you like you're not even there, like you had never even existed at all. It is then that Dory's words pop up in my head, saying, "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." And, it is then that I begin to fight back.

If something is so special to you that its absence makes you ache to your very core, it is worth fighting for. It is worth swimming for. It is worth breathing for. And, in your darkest hour, it is worth living for, which means everything. Everything. All of a sudden, no distance seems too long, no night looks too dark, and no ocean is too deep to conquer. You just find this strength inside of yourself that you never even knew you had, and you get through the day. Your mind is on one thing, and for the time being, everything else just matters less. You pull away from other people and distractions. You close yourself off from the rest of society, trying your best to block out all of the noise. And, you just focus..... you focus on the finish line, on the goal, and on the prize. From that point on, it is full speed ahead!

In an instant, it all makes sense again. And, you're not alone anymore. You're not broken or incomplete; you are whole again. You did not give up. You did not surrender. You saw the hand you were dealt, and you did not fold. You did not lose a piece of yourself. Instead, you found one, and it is more wonderful and perfect than you remembered. And, it does not matter what anyone else thinks or says about it, because this is your life, and true happiness is too rare and precious to ignore or fear. You just kept swimming, and sometimes, that is all you can do. Just keep swimming. Just keep breathing. Just keep fighting. Just keep loving. Just keep writing. Just keep praying. Just keep dreaming. Just keep surviving.

Yes, some days do change your life forever. Other days, however, change your life back. What matters, though, is that the person living that life has changed. What was once unappreciated will now be seen in a new light, because it will be through the eyes of a stronger, wiser, and grateful human being. I've always heard people say, "You never know what you have until it is gone." But, I think that you never know what you have until you watch it come back to you. Some people believe in soul mates, fate, and true love. I believe in people. I believe that we are all just looking for something or someone that makes us feel whole. And, I believe that we will fight like hell to keep it. If you are lucky, the person or thing that completes you is incomplete without you, too.

The truth is that the world around us is constantly changing, moving, and altering. There will always be circumstances we cannot control. There will always be days that make us feel like we're drowning. There will always be unfavorable situations that we are forced to go through. There will never be a day of pure perfection. But, there will be days that come pretty damn close, and for most of us, that is enough to consider each day we're here nothing short of a blessing. Some days change our lives forever. And, some days change us forever. It all starts with one choice: sink or swim.

to the readers I never knew I had:

On a completely serious note, I really did not know that anyone other than a handful of friends and family members ever read this blog. I have never kept a hit counter on this blog, because the point of this was never to gain readers or popularity. This blog, for me, has become something very special, and everything I have written here has a significant meaning to me. I do not ever want to become someone that writes or says what she believes her audience wants to read and hear. This blog represents the person I really am, and that is exactly how I want it to remain. 

Lately, I have been getting messages from people that said that they enjoyed reading my blog, which really does mean a lot to me. So, I wanted to take the time and acknowledge how pleasantly surprised I was to find out that other people can relate to and/or appreciate what I have written. It really touched me that people took the time to encourage me to continue writing, because for the first time, I felt like a legitimate writer. And, it was the best feeling I have ever had. A couple of people thanked me for putting myself out there, but it is I should be thankful that people can see a little bit of themselves in me and my words. Thank you for coming to this site and giving me a chance. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for giving me a little validation that this hobby could possibly become a career one day. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate each of you.

Now, I have a favor to ask. I desperately desire feedback from those that read this. I will be just as thankful for the criticism as the compliments, and either can be made completely anonymously in the comment box. This is my passion, and in order to improve, I really need to hear the opinions and advice of my readers, whoever they might be. I will not be angry or defensive, just gracious. This is my dream.... Please help me make it come true. 

Thank you for making this poor college student feel amazing for a day. It was really, REALLY nice. And, as always, thank you for reading. :)

"I love you. Most ardently."

You make my soul smile.

I wonder, sometimes, if it is even remotely possible that you know just how much you mean to me. Then, I remember that you are not a mind reader, and I cannot expect you to know the thoughts I have stored away in this curious brain of mine. This, to me, is a relief, because I refuse to imagine my life without you somewhere in it, which is my prediction of what would happen if I let myself rely on someone else for my own happiness. The idea of any relationship being that vital to my sanity terrifies me. Loving someone means giving up on the need to be in control of every aspect of your life and learn to just let some things happen on  your own. You cannot plan love. I did not plan to love you, but I do. I have all along.

I look at you and see someone with all the potential in the world. I know that you will do great things in your life. I have never doubted that. Ever. And, I want you to be successful. I want you to have the best of everything. I want all of your dreams to come true. We are both dreamers, and I worry that by loving you, I force you to fit my dreams into your master plan. I do not want you to have a second rate version of your idea of an ideal life. You deserve the real deal. 

You have always appreciated my quirks. My clumsiness makes you smile. You know how to make me laugh, and you constantly do. I would take a bullet for you in an instant, but I know you'd never let me. You can hear my voice and tell what kind of day I'm having. In my movie, you are the guy that makes an enormous comeback in the end, saves the day, and rides off into the sunset with me by your side. You're my Mr. Darcy. You're my best friend. You're my drug of choice. Your laughter is my favorite song. I never feel more at home than I do in your arms. 

This is not the kind of "I love you" that comes with me asking for anything in return. The only thing I need from you is for you to just keep being exactly who you are. That is the person that I love. No matter where our lives take us, I will forever be in your corner. There will never be a day that I don't have your back. I will be your shoulder to lean on, your hand to hold, and the ear that listens to you vent. This is the unconditional, selfless kind of "I love you." The point of it is not for you to hear it, it is just for me to say it.

I saw this painted on a sign in a little boutique a while back. It makes me think of you:

"I loved you once;

I love you still.

Always have,

always will."

Live, love, and laugh, laugh, laugh....

Oscar Wilde once said, "It is a curious fact that people are never more trivial as when they take themselves seriously." The older I get, the more I realize the truth in this statement. As a whole, we are people that worry about portraying a certain image, fitting into a specific mold, and being accepted by society. However, we are also people that, on a regular basis, do incredibly stupid things. We make it impossible for others to laugh with us, forcing it to become a "everyone's laughing at me and I have to defend myself mercilessly" type of situation. Then, it blows up into something huge, because we fail to see that if we'd just laughed it off, it would have been forgotten about in a week. We invest so much time and energy into passive-aggressive Facebook statuses that we don't realize how uptight and ridiculous we look. People tip-toe around us, scared that they will infuriate or offend us by accident. Luckily, we are given a chance to prove that we do, in fact, have senses of humor as soon as someone else screws up and gives everyone something else to laugh about. Funny how it works that way, isn't it?

The truth is simple. We all just need to lighten up. I, for one, think that sarcasm is an art, and I would like to enjoy and appreciate it without having to explain it to someone I don't even know on Facebook. Seriously. I have had to learn to laugh at myself, because I have not always been able to see the humor in my own shortcomings, clumsiness, and poor decisions. In all honestly, though, it is not that difficult to do, because most of these things are legitimately funny. Laughter has become a powerful force in my life, one that has helped me heal and see the light in every situation. I have always been surrounded by funny people. All of my friends have incredible, genius senses of humor. When people pass away, I sometimes struggle to remember their voices. But, I can recall the sound of their laughs in an instant. It is something that sticks with me, pieces of them that I carry everywhere I go. It makes me feel close to them.

A while back, I was trying to get my massive dog, Jake, to get used to being outside on a zip line, so he could play outside without me worrying about a car hitting him or something. The first day, it started pouring rain while he was outside, so I went to get him unhooked from the line and get him inside. During this process, he got me all tangled up in the cord, so when he took off running across the yard, I was dragged behind him. I had mud inside of my shirt and shorts. There was even mud caked on my bra, because my shirt was practically around my head by the time he stopped running. I was one seriously disgusting hot mess, to say the least. I could have been furious and let it destroy my day. Or, I could do what I did, and laugh at my ridiculous reflection in the mirror. Naturally, I never went near that stupid zip line again, nor did my dog. Instead of adding to the list of times I had "the worst luck ever", it lengthened the list of hilarious stories I can tell my future grandchildren. Of course, this does not mean that I'd ever like to experience it again, because having mud in my hair once is more than enough for me. But, I can smile when I think about it. It's a small victory, but some days, that's all you have. And, if you really think about it, that is all you need.

Bill Cosby, one of America's most beloved and funny men, said, "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." Laughter is more than a healing mechanism; it is a survival mechanism, and an effective one, at that. I have seen it in action. In the moments of complete darkness and utter despair, it was laughter that made the clouds part and the sun shine through. Laughter, for many of us, became a painkiller. It made the unbearable bearable. It made us remember the best parts of the people we'd lost. It gave us a way to talk about the people we missed without upsetting anybody. Because of laughter, we all came together and remembered our loved ones with smiles on our faces. It showed us that happiness still lived in our hearts. One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:3, which reads, "I thank my God each time I remember you." And, I do. But, I also laugh. I smile. I feel happy each time I remember them. That's the way I think it is meant to be.

The world will not stop turning if you offend someone or someone offends you. Time will not freeze if you laugh at something that others consider inappropriate. It is perfectly okay to laugh, even when you're grieving. It is okay to be happy. You do not owe anyone an excuse for it. Studies about laughter done by Bell Memorial Hospital in Indiana have proven that 15 minutes of laughter can add two days to a person's life span and offers benefits equal to those received by two hours of sleep. I have yet to find a study that proves that laughter has any negative or dangerous effects and/or risks. Plus, life is just funny, and anybody that is not taking advantage of the free comedy is really missing out. Tomorrow, before you start your day, listen to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" on your iPod, in your car, or on your computer. When you spill your coffee in your lap while rushing to work, try to see the humor in it. When your trip on the sidewalk in your fancy, new heels, make a joke of it. Like Frank Arduini said, "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive anyway."

the last hoo-rah

In a few weeks, I'll be saying goodbye to the house that I have lived in for the past three years in Jacksonville. And, it's a bittersweet thing, because so much has happened here. It has been a hideaway for me, somewhere that I can come to and escape all of the changes that were happening back home. It has been a refuge, at times, for myself and others. It was here that I found out about the deaths of the loved ones I've lost in the past two years. I can tell you where I was sitting each time. This is where I mourned, where I healed, and where I cried myself to sleep. This is where I saw the sun come through the windows the morning after one of those long, restless nights. There have been so many adventures here, so many nights of laughter, and long conversations about everything under the sun. I am ready to move on, but in awe that the time has passed by so quickly.

For me, though, it will feel really, really good to just be home for a few months. I kind of feel like there is something out there for me in this world, something that I am meant to see, and someone I am meant to become. I have no idea where life is going to take me, but I am not afraid to find out. And, I know that Talladega just is not the place that I will end up. It is not where I want to be, because I have already experienced all that it has to offer. I have. I know that. And, it has been a blast.... one for the record books, I'd say. We have all just outgrown it. When I met a few friends for a drink the other night, I realized that we are all in the same place when it comes to this. We will always feel some sort of tie to that town. We will always have the bond that people form when they grow up together. We will always have the memories. We will continue our big reunion nights when we come home for holidays. But, we are ready to go out on our own.... for real, this time. Sometimes, I wish that I could feel like that was the place for me, because there are perks to growing up in a small town. I never felt like a little fish in a big sea. I never went somewhere without seeing someone that I knew. And, I think I will miss that. I will miss feeling like I matter.

I will be glad, however, to be away from a place that can often be cruel and judgmental. In Talladega, I am my mother's daughter, and when people look down on me, it reflects on her. And, I really don't like the idea of that, because I am grown enough to take full responsibility for my actions and behavior. I am my own person, and I desperately want to go out and make a name for myself. I do not want to get special treatment because of who I know, because I don't think I should gain anything like  that from someone else's accomplishments. I want to be respected for my own. I want to be the first one that calls my loved ones and tells them what is going on in my life. I want privacy. And, I cannot have these things in that town. If someone does not like one of my friends or family members, they give me mean looks, too. What have I ever done to them? Does that even matter? Some people can handle it, but for me, it is just a hassle. Defending myself got old a long time ago. The only thing you can do when it gets to that point is walk away.

It will always be my home, and I will always be protective of the place. I am going to have my last hoo-rah, and then, it is time for me to go. But, I will never, ever forget where I came from. To everyone there, I'd like to say thank you for the inspiration, good times, and life lessons. It has truly been a pleasure.

"Saving the Gulf- One Shot at a Time" Preview

Photos by: Drew Freeman

Hello, World. It's me, Haley.

Today, someone that I barely know talked to me with pity, referring to the past two years of my life. So, I have to write this. I need to write this.... to that certain clueless individual, to myself, to my loved ones, and to the world. I need to express myself. I need to stand up for myself. I need a lot of things, but pity is not one of them.

Is this how I appear? Do I come off as angry, bitter, and hopeless? Do you think I need your attention, your pity, your knowing glances? Do you really think that you can look at me and read me like a children's book, relying more on illustrations than content? What do you really know about me, world? What are my dreams? What are my nightmares? What scares me the most? What makes me smile on the inside? Who am I when I am alone in the dark? Who am I when your back is turned? You think you know me? You think you really, really know me? Think again, and this time, you can do it without looking down on me. I do not want your pity, nor do I need it. Don't you dare feel sorry for me. You can love me, hate me, want to be my friend, or want to slap me in the face. You can think I'm hilarious, or you can call me an idiot. You can call me any name in the book. But, don't feel sorry for me, not even for the tiniest fraction of a millisecond.

For what seems like the longest time, I have ended each day by classifying it as either a "good day" or "bad day." I do not do this to measure which there are more of. Instead, I find comfort in seeing the number of good days continually increase. I do not keep track of the bad days; I endure them with as much power as I can muster. Then, the sun rises, and I start another day that will, without a doubt, bring some kind of lesson or change. I am more aware of every second that I am alive and breathing than I once was, because I know how very precious life is. You know how to can tell someone that is grieving from one that is not? Ask them the value of 24 hours. What one sees as priceless, another would react with the shrug of a shoulder. Someone that is finally feeling a sense of normalcy after a great loss would be able to give an immediate and detailed response if asked what he or she would do with one, whole day. They would have already thought about it many, many times, even deciding how far he or she would be willing to go if given the chance to bargain for one long, miraculous, final chance to say that one thing that would make all of this okay. And, there is no shame. There is emptiness. There is anguish. There is sorrow. But, there is nothing embarrassing, ridiculous, tacky, or pathetic about it. In order for someone to hurt that much and miss someone that badly, that person would have had to first experience love, friendship, admiration, and attachment. And, these things, these emotions, these states of being are far more valuable than the idea of a life without loss and pain. So, don't call yourself lucky for never having to experience great loss in your life. That is your own bargain to make, and in all actuality, it should be I that pities you for not knowing the kind of love that has surrounded me since birth. But, I don't, because you will not understand a word of this until it happens to you. And, one day, it will.

 Life and death go hand in hand, and you cannot avoid one without also missing out on the other. One day, you will get a phone call, and find out something so devastating that you literally to forget to breathe. Your world stops turning as it all sinks in. And, you'll swear to God, yourself, and anything else you can think of that there is some way that you can reverse this. Then, you'll just give up, and feel guilty as hell for it, like you're leaving someone behind... like they're going to just fall away forever if you allow yourself to go on with your life. But, you'll just do it, because in your gut, you'll know that it is time. The sad days come, and every second of the day just seems so long, so dark.... so pointless. You'll wake up and truly realize that you will never see their smile again, hear their voices, feel their presence in a room, and it will hit you like a ton of bricks. And, you come to terms with it, because at this point, you know that you do not have another choice. You are tired. You are just so, so tired and crave a teaspoon-sized taste of life as you knew it before. And, it all starts to come back....slowly, and never quite the same, but surely. While I did go through these things, I never had to go through it alone. I cannot even begin to explain what everyone did for me, because they are the only reasons my life makes any sense. These wonderful, incredible, durable, and protective people just surrounded everyone like a massive blanket. And, the blanket kept us warm, dried our tears, and linked us together. So, don't pity me. While you are still questioning your capabilities, I feel like I can get through ANYTHING. I have done it. I have seen others do it. I am prepared to go through it again in my lifetime. I don't have to fear this anymore, because I know that no matter how bad things seem, everything will be okay. One day at a time. One valuable, perfect, precious day at a time.

Before you go, let me introduce myself to you officially, since you clearly have no idea to whom you are speaking. I am not "the sick girl", "the sad girl", or "the angry girl." I'll have you know that I gave a presentation worth 25% of my final grade in an extremely difficult Lit course two days after emergency surgery. I made an A. I took a final on the day of Uncle Randall's death, which was my birthday. I made a B. I wrote and witnessed someone read my Grandmother's eulogy, both the biggest honor and heartache I've ever felt. I held my head up high, and in a fashion that she would appreciate, tried to smile. I have seen people lined up in the freezing rain for two miles waiting to pay their respects to the family of a man they respected. While those two days are just a blur to me, I cannot help but feel entitled to a little respect for just surviving all of it. I am not walking through life angry with myself, others, or God. Sure, I'm still sad. I will always, always have a spot in the smallest, most fragile corner of my heart that aches to see them again. That tiny spot is what makes me who I am. It makes me feel so alive, like I've got these people standing in my corner, ready to cheer me on and watch me find my place in this world. If I ever feel lost or forgotten, they will be there. And, they will guide me back home, back to my blanket, and everything will be okay. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't waste your time with whatever satisfaction you get from feeling like you were blessed with good fortune, while poor, little Haley has horrible luck and was dealt a miserable hand by fate. Just stop all of it... stop hiding. Come out into the world and play. Stop worrying about what the world can offer you, and focus on what you can offer the world. That, my curious, opinionated acquaintance, is the real meaning behind our existence. Don't pity me for being so sick in the past, when I consider physical illness preferable to the various other health issues, like both the mental and terminal illnesses that plague our world. What kind of surgery will make your life interesting enough to take your attention away from the lives of others? Is there a pill that will take away your insecurity and experience true love? Because, I had surgery and pills for my health problems, and now, I'm as good as new....or even better. Who is going to fix you? Don't look down on me.... look at me smiling when I pass by you, and close your eyes when I leave you in the dust.

Now, you are free to judge me however you wish. This is who I am, and I make no apologies for it. I am really happy again, and I take the time to appreciate it. I may not know the value of a dollar, but I know the value of an hour. A second. A millisecond. I know that you never forget the way someone looked the last time you ever saw them. And, you will love and be loved. You will learn of the kind of love that makes you feel warm, like the way the sun feels on your face before church in Alpine, AL on a Sunday in the middle of Spring. The flowers are blooming, the sky is crystal blue, and everybody is so glad you're there. Everything seems right in the world. And, even if you only feel that once in a lifetime, I like to think that it is absolutely worth it. It is the closest thing to Heaven I have ever been able to imagine. That's where I want to be. That's where they are. You will get out life what you put into it, and as a woman that loves beating the boys at Texas Hold 'Em, it is sometimes worth it to go all in. Don't wonder who I'd be if my life had been perfect.... embrace the woman I am becoming, one that has a heart full of love, a mustang, and nothing to lose.

"Medicated Drama Queen"

Out of all the "celebrities" in the world, the one that I find most disgusting is Tila Tequila. This young woman gained fame by exposing her body to underage individuals over the internet. Later, she had a reality dating show on MTV, where she claimed to be bisexual. Since this time, Ms. Tequila has launched and made profit from a blog of her own, often bashing homosexuals and those of other races. She has faked suicide attempts in order to get attention. She has begged for prayers concerning her many pregnancies, which all turned out to be completely false. She is, for lack of better words, complete and utter trash.

Dear Tila Tequila,

As an aspiring writer, I find it sickening that someone can make a living off of a blog that has countless grammatical and spelling errors. There are so many talented, young people in this world that would take the shot you've been given and actually do something wonderful with it. And, I can guarantee you they would have enough pride in their work to at least proofread it before publishing it to the masses. That being said, I hope that your pitiful attempt at a writing career fails miserably. If your fans were old enough to have drivers licenses, I doubt they would find you so intriguing. 

Of all the things you have said and done, the one that hurts me the most is your faked suicide. Because my life has been forever changed by suicide, I do not take it lightly when one jokes about this matter. When one loses someone to suicide, his or her world is turned upside down. In the blink of an eye, everything is different, and there is not the slightest chance of anything ever returning to the way it once was. To fake such a  horrific action just to get attention is more than a sin, I think. It is pure evil. It is ugly. It is hateful. It is despicable. And, as hard as I try to see why someone like you would do something like this, I just cannot understand. There are still nights that I have to cry myself to sleep over questions I have and the answers that I will never get. So, here is the attention you were so desperately searching for. Does it feel good? Is it everything you ever hoped it would be? Are all of your dreams coming true? For your sake, I hope so. Otherwise, you got ripped off by the person to whom you sold your soul.

You repeatedly address all that share my opinion as "haters", and in a way, I cannot argue with that. I do not feel one ounce of love for you. How dare you ask for pity for miscarriages that never even occurred? People actually lose babies every single day, Tila, and it can lead to depression too deep for anyone outside of the situation to even slightly understand. You say that we want to be you, but I know that deep inside of your heart, you know that is not true. I would love to have the opportunity that you have had with your blog and the publicity surrounding it, and I know that I would use it for promotion for all things good, news worth hearing, opinions worth writing, books worth reading, and thoughts worth sharing. I would never rely on it for shameless self-promotion.

You make me sick. Do not be so quick to write off the power of karma. I can promise you that you're not immune to it. What goes around ALWAYS comes around. It has for me, and one day, it will for you, too.

Sincerely,

Haley Lauren Thomas

imperfectly okay

I am okay.

I am okay today. I should be ecstatic, as everything is going extremely well in my life lately, but I will settle with being perfectly okay. But, I am bothered, too. I am bothered, because such a large portion of our world does not seem to be. And, I am scared. I am scared to death of the kind of world into which my future children will be born. When I become a mother, I want the quality of the lives of my children to improve from my own by at least 10%. My parents did that for me and my brother, and I would like to pass that along to my children, so that they will do the same for their own children later on.

Unfortunately, I feel as if the world in which we live thrives on all things superficial. We hand out fame like the teachers of our pasts handed out detention slips. The more ridiculous one is, the more he or she will be acclaimed by the general public for his or her individuality, regardless of one's motives or reasons. We are a split nation, spending precious time and effort fighting each other regarding rights that should be seen as basic and equal. We pick sides, literally voting on issues concerning which types of love are considered valid and worthy of acknowledgment. We look down on those that dare to disagree with opinions that we often claim to feel strongly for or against before taking the time to research the issues at hand. We are people that feel entitled to certain things, as if it is okay to expect luxurious items and special treatment without ever having to work for a bit of it. We praise all things ridiculous, often failing to remember that the fifty thousand dollars paid for a drunken attention seeker to make an appearance at a night club could be used to help one of the many different charities struggling to help those in dire need.

After joining Twitter a while back, I was initially drawn to the humor I found in the tweets of certain "celebrities." After a while, however, I stopped looking at these people as hilarious, and I started to see them as pathetic, self-centered, ignorant, and selfish individuals. Not only do I not wish to be famous, but I almost pity those that are. I am able to keep secrets. I can spend time with friends, do ridiculous things, make inappropriate statements, and have bad hair days without photographs of it being analyzed and turned into magazine headlines. I can get married, have children, and be happy without the entire world accusing me of relationship problems due to a bad mood that got captured in a picture. Anybody can find a way to become a celebrity. However, they can't ever go back to having the things that we have. And, I wouldn't trade the life I have for anything in the world. I can't envy someone that I pity. But, I can make sure that my kids know that being famous does not make someone a good person, just as it does not make one a bad person.

There is always a way to make money. But, this is the one life I get, and I'm not going to waste it on a constant search for something that can come and go in the blink of an eye.

I am okay, both perfectly AND imperfectly. And, I wouldn't change a thing.