concerning:: self respect

For the absolute longest time, I questioned what love is and how much it really can affect your life and the choices that you make. What I've come to find is that it is completely possible to meet the one person who, while kissing you, makes chillbumps run up your spine as the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. These kisses from this perfect person make you forget what time it is, or if the concept of time really exists at all, or if it ever even did. During this most perfect kiss, you are blind to everything that surrounds you, and in this one moment, you wish you could freeze time forever. However, it is absolutely necessary for the kiss to end and for the clock to start taking records of what minute it is, and which hour of your life you are currently enjoying. These kisses are a rarity, and they are this way for a reason. The most important thing is the person who is sharing the kiss with you. And, when you take the second to really look into their eyes, you realize that they are in your life for a reason. Because you met this person, your life will never be the same, and you'll never want it to. You'll crave this person's arms around you, because when they are, you finally feel safe from all of the things you've been desperately trying to escape. And, for the first time in years, you can inhale and exhale freely. This person, this man, this godsend, really loves you for the person you are, and sees every possibility in the world every time they see you smile. You see, I'm lucky enough to have been through bad relationships. I thank God for knowing ahead of time that through the darkest point of my life, there was light ahead. And, I saw this light the first time I ever saw his face. And, from this, for once, I know every single thing I've ever needed to know. I've never been more content in my life. I feel safe. I feel needed. I feel so much LOVE surrounding me each day, and while most of it comes from him, a tiny fraction of this love comes from the fact that because of him, I finally found reason to respect myself. And, when you respect yourself, you can love yourself. Because of this, I finally am allowed to love someone else with all of my broken, tattered, and ever so flawed heart. He fills me up to my very core and I couldn't possibly be happier if I tried. There is no amount of money, power, fame, or promises that could ever tempt me to leave his side. For the first time in my entire life, I know I was in the right place at the right time, even if it was just once. Sometimes, however, once is enough.

A day with the best boyfriend EVER!

To a friend in Heaven :)

Hey, you!

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Today, it was raining and I thought about two summers ago at the lake when you jumped off of the roof in the rain. I'd never seen anybody look more alive than you did at that very moment. It seems so weird that you're not here anymore, even though most of us haven't admitted that it will be a long time before we see your smiling face again. We all still catch ourselves waiting on you to come in the door when we're all together... and even though we don't see it happen, in a way, we know that you're there. It still doesn't seem fair that you had to go, but we've all learned to trust God's plan for each of us. You brought us closer to him, although it took us all questioning his existance before we truly found him inside of our hearts. We know that He must have needed you up there much more than we did down here, even though that's often hard to imagine.

I have to wonder, though, what you think of everything going on down here. We're all getting older, taking different paths that lead us away from home and towards new places and ideas. We're changing, see, and it makes us think about the paths you'd be taking, and the person you would be today. Instead, you've taken on a new form that we'll also take one day. So many of us have joined you already. There was a third, a fourth, and a fifth after you and I wonder if it's a metaphor for the way that we live, or don't live, as some of us choose to do even though the opportunity is still them for them. We're all breaking apart here, and I wonder what you think is happening to us. Is this what is in the books? Are we meant to be thrown apart by jealousy, anger, hate, and bad intent? What is going on here? Sometimes I think that all it would take to bring everyone back together would be you walking through the door, saying something completely off the wall as you often did, smiling from ear to ear with a heart as pure as gold, as yours always was. While our country is at war, many of us are also at war with ourselves and with each other, even though we've always been like a family. Is it meant to happen this way? Am I trying to stop what is ultimately inevitable? Nobody's the same, and I know that in some way, you can see it. Help us out down here, because we're obviously struggling with some pretty intense battles. Some of our hearts are in great need of repair, and it would be nice if you could ask the man upstairs for some assistance for those who still miss you every single day.

I still don't think that it's right. I still don't think it's fair that I can look outside and see the sun shining through the clouds and you can't. You're beyond the clouds, past the stars, and straight into the land that we all strive to end up in, as well. I'll never stop thinking that you should still be here, and I'm not the only one. I'll never forget the way that we sobbed for days and found solace and comfort in each other in your passing. You did a great thing for us, friend. You made us question how much we would be missed, as well as the legacy we would leave behind. You showed us that when our hearts feel empty, we should turn to each other in order for it to be filled up again with hope, faith, love, and the ability to dream like there was no tomorrow. You reminded us that tomorrow is a dream, not a promise, and it will NEVER be guaranteed, no matter how much money we make, or how beautiful we are on the inside or out, or how much luck we think we've been given. You and the rest of our gang in heaven gave us the best gift we could ever find it possible to receive, although I must admit that it took us awhile to finish unwrapping it. You gave us knowledge that only people who have seen death and felt that type of sorrow can have.

Thank you for watching over us, even though we don't always deserve it. Sometimes, when we're all together and laughing, it's like you never even left us for a second. You and all that you loved lives on in us, and we will NEVER forget the person that you were and the angel that you are for each of us. Friendships don't end just because lives do, and we are so thankful that you've continued to show us love and support from so many miles and steps away. We hope that you can still feel the love that we carry for you and your memory, as well. We love you so much and miss you just as much now as we did the day we got the worst phone call imaginable.

Your friend ALWAYS,
Haley

sad attempt

Please don't make me remember
all of the words that you said
during the violence and the fever
that could have left us dead.

Don't get your voice around me
even for the smallest amount of time.
My eyes simply can't bear to see
the one I lost and never want to find.

I'm not looking over my shoulder
in worry and constant fear.
I filed your memory away in a folder
that I no longer hold very dear.

So what if I never care again?
What if I forget you were ever here?
What if this is only meant to offend?
Things are always worse than they appear.

Call this a sad attempt at payback
for time spent as an outlet for your anger.
I'm stronger without you, that's a fact!
And I don't feel like my heart is in danger.

He gives me faith in humanity
and a reason to love what is inside.
Never knew dreams could become reality,
and I know I'm down for the ride.

So enjoy your life of twists and turns,
and know that I've forgotten you.
I forgot the bruises, insults, burns,
and all of the tears that I shed, too.