I cannot believe it has been two years since you left us. So many things have happened in the past few years. Everything is changing, and I’m not sure what to think about the future. You know, our parents all told us that time would fly by faster every year. Unfortunately, they were right. I remember the crazy stunts we pulled in Mr. G’s class, and I can’t believe it has been so many years since then. It seems like only yesterday, to be honest. When did we all grow up? Did I completely miss that memo? Or, did I just ignore it? Either way, we’re adults now. For some reason, I feel guilty about leaving you behind. I hate getting older, because you’ll always be the same age. It just isn’t fair. Actually, I don’t know many things that ARE fair these days. I’m so tired of losing people that I care about. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I’ll stop complaining now, but if you are able to pull some strings for me up there, it would be fantastic. ;)
I wish I could rewind my life, then relive it all again. I’d go back to our high school graduation. You sat in front of me, and John Wayne sat behind me. If I’d only known…….. well, you know where I’m going with this. I’d go back to the summers on the lake, when we all felt so free and fearless. I’d go back to 7th grade, when you decided to remove your braces in Mrs. Ray’s awful math class. I’d travel over to 8th grade, when your hair caught on fire during band. Of course, I’d have to spend a day in Mrs. Coleman’s class, even though she never understood that Alexander Smith and Grant Smith equaled one person, Alexander Grant Smith, which was you. Hey, at least you got two A’s, right? I miss your laugh. It was so full of mischief and good intentions. When we lost you, it really hit us hard. Our class really came together, and once again, we stood together as we said goodbye to another classmate and friend. I hope you’re hanging out with the rest of the ’05 members up there. I’m sure y’all are behaving! Riiiight… :)
I want you to know that no matter what, we’ll never forget you. Some people say that in twenty years, we won’t remember all of the classmates that we’ve lost. That isn’t true for our class, though. We’re different. We always have been. Losing all of you so early forced us all to go out into the world and fight for our dreams. We realize how precious life is, and how important it is to make a mark while we’re here. Any victory we make is a victory to all of you that are no longer with us on Earth. We MISS YOU ALL!
Even though I know you cannot read this, I still have this hope that it will find you somehow. I need to ask you a favor, sweet friend. See, I recently lost someone who I love very dearly. Can you please let him know how much we all love and miss him? I am still having such a hard time dealing with the fact that he is no longer here, and I just need to know that he is okay. I want to know that he is happy, safe, and surrounded by love. I miss him so much, friend. It breaks my heart over and over again. I never pictured getting married without him there to do the ceremony. He has always been my hero, and that will never change. He made such an impact on the world. He left behind the legacy of someone who devoted his life to helping others. He was loved by many, and he spent his entire life spreading that love every single place that he went.
I have so many questions about Heaven. In my head, I picture Heaven as more of a feeling than a place. Have you ever been so happy that you could just burst? That’s how I picture Heaven. Is Heaven different for every person? Is it something too wonderful to put into words? Will I really get to see all of you again? Please, let the answer be yes. That thought brings me comfort. It gives me hope. It makes me believe in the power of love. And, that’s what God is, right? God IS the word, and that word is LOVE.
You know, I’ve always heard that these hard times can only make you stronger. I’m not sure how I feel about that anymore. I think that there are things that happen in your life that influence the decisions you make, the friends you have, the places you go, and the beliefs you come to develop. These life experiences mold your character. They help determine what types of things you gravitate towards, and what you’re afraid of. These things that you fear affect you for the rest of your life. They determine how you act towards other people, and in the end, all of these things come together to form a new person. This new person takes over the person who existed before, and by the time you realize what is happening, it is too late to stop it. Then, you waste time trying to find the person that you were before, even though you know that you’ll never be that person again. The innocence is gone, and it is filed away with the rest of the things we left behind.
I’m terrified of growing older. I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t think any of us are ready. We had to grow up so fast, and as thankful as I am for our strength, I still find myself wishing that we could just go back to the days when it all made sense. I wish I could still feel invincible. I wish I did not know how cruel the world can be sometimes. I’ve never been afraid to die. I never thought much about death at all, to be honest. Sometimes, death would have been a relief to me. Death would have taken me away from the anguish and despair. Death never came to me, though. It skipped right over me, and did not give it a second thought. It just isn’t my time to go, I guess. It is possible that God put you in our lives to teach us a lesson about the way we’d all chosen to live our lives. Before we lost you, we were headed down paths of destruction. We’d lost ourselves long before, and it took so much just to make it through one day. Then, you left, and in our world, time just stopped. The minutes passed on the clock, but we never seemed to notice. One day, though, we all realized that we were wrong. The world kept spinning, and before we knew it, a year had passed by. Here I am, with another year in the books, and I still feel exactly the same about death as I did a year ago. I’m still confused. I still don’t get it. I still feel like I’m drowning in a pool of questions with answers that nobody knows. Please, don’t let me get in over my head. Help me win this fight, friend. Help me learn to let go…
I talk to you all the time. Most of the time, it is late at night when I cannot seem to fall asleep. Sometimes, we still catch ourselves waiting on you to walk through the door, wearing your signature grin, naturally. I remember how you loved your yellow bike, and how you seemed to fly on it. I can’t picture you with wings, but I can picture you on a bike with wings. Never stop flying, sweet friend.
Thank you for watching over us, always. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for being our angel. Please send our love to the rest of the gang. Don’t worry, we’ll be with you one day.
I love you. I’ll be seeing you.
Haley
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