:)

my sweet kittens :)

lights will guide you home

I've always loved this song, but recently, it has made me think of how my church makes me feel. It's almost as if the lyrics perfectly describe what I feel my church says to me and what the people there do for me. I did not make this video, but I used it because it displayed the lyrics. It is such a beautiful song. Enjoy :)

the quiet things that no one ever knows

It's currently 5:40 AM. I was unable to sleep at all, so I decided to write. It seems like only yesterday I was finishing up the "Bible as Literature" May class, but here I am one year later, finishing up another May class. It is hard to believe a year has already flown by. It seems a little strange that the most challenging year of my life seems so short when I think about it now. I can confidently say that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. Most of the changes made in my life were not made by choice, but instead, they were made due to circumstances beyond my control. One could call it fate, luck, or coincidence. I, however, believe the simple fact that every single thing that happened to me in the past year was just meant to happen. To be honest, many of the choices made by me in the past year were made due to lack of alternative options.

So many different things have been thrown at me in the past year. It all reminds me of the softball games I played years ago. Sometimes, I caught the ball and threw it right back. Other times, I missed the ball completely, forcing me to waste time chasing something that at one point was right in front of my face. I should have seen it coming, but I just did not. Unfortunately, there were times where I did not even see it coming at all, and it hit me. It hit me hard. And, just when I thought I would never recover from the damage, I picked myself up and continued to play the game. These reactions all roll into one big metaphor that describes how I've reacted to different events in the past year. Looking back, I see that it does not really matter how I reacted. What matters is that I did react. I made it through. I continued to play the game. In sports terms, I "walked it off"...even when it really, really hurt.

Some of the changes I have noticed in myself are ones that I do not like. I have become withdrawn, anxious, and full of doubt. Oh, how tired I am... I am simply exhausted from the minute I wake up until the late hour that I finally fall asleep. I am tired every minute of the day. I feel like I am 100 years old rather than 21. I never leave the house, unless I'm going to class or doctor. I rarely leave the bed, except to do what I absolutely cannot avoid doing. I have become someone who feels defeated, even though I am fighting it as hard as I possibly can. Where has my energy gone? Where is my spunk? Where is my thirst for adventure? I'm tired of walking up a flight of stairs only to get to the top and feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I'm tired of being dizzy. I'm tired of struggling to stay at a healthy weight. I'm tired of people asking questions, assuming that I have enjoyed watching my body shrink. I'm just so tired... and I feel like nobody will listen to me when I tell them that I am so miserable that I cry myself to sleep the majority of the week. I want to feel like a 21 year old should feel. I wish someone could make this make sense to me. I am willing to do anything to just feel normal, just for one day. I know I'm not crazy. I know that something just is not right. I'm tired of not knowing what that something is.

One year ago, I was preparing to have my gallbladder removed. I was not scared at all, because I thought that it would solve so many of the problems I'd been having with my health. I was sick all the time, and I just knew that this would be the answer to my prayers. But, it was only the beginning. I was so confident and full of hope. I just KNEW that things would look up after that. During the fall semester, I was working hard and had really good grades. Then, I got sick again. I had another surgery, right during finals. It really affected my grades, even though I just KNEW that that would be my semester to shine and show my parents how well I could do. After the semester ended, I decided that I would have a great Christmas break and look forward to doing well in school in the spring. But, Christmas just did not seem right. It was just different. And, it will never be the same again. Right before the spring semester started, my life changed forever with the loss of someone I loved and admire very, very much. I was very sad for quite a long time. I'm still sad. I'll never stop missing his presence in my life and on this earth. Right after this, someone else that I love very much became very sick. I've been praying for his recovery ever since. You see, I thought that 2009 would be my year. Instead, it has become the year that forced me to stop focusing on myself and start thinking about everyone who had always been there for me. And, I have learned a lot about myself by learning about those who mean the most to me. I've learned that sometimes the only thing I can do is pray... so I do.

This year, I learned that love truly can conquer all obstacles. I have seen it happen right before my eyes at my church. Love has been the glue that has held me together in the past year, whether it be love between friends, love of a dream, love of laughter love of memories, love of God, love of family, or love between two people who cannot imagine life without one another. All that matters is that one's heart is open to receive love and return it with no outside motive. It is a cycle that mankind simply cannot exist without.

I have learned that it is okay to be afraid. It is perfectly normal to be confused, angry, or sad. It is okay to wish that things were different. It is okay to feel whatever one wishes to feel. Sometimes, it takes something painful to remind us that we are human, life is short, and that at some point, we will feel the happiness that sits at the opposite end of the spectrum. But, no matter what emotion a person feels he or she is drowning in, that person has to find the strength to just keep fighting. Fight until you just can't fight anymore, then let love carry you the rest of the way. It is all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

In the past year, I have not changed the world. But, the world has changed me.

We Change. We Grow. We Fly.

Last night, I had the pleasure of attending Talladega High School's graduation. Every person who came to watch these students receive their diplomas had the opportunity to hear precious words of advice from a woman that is very well known and highly respected in our country. Dr. Condoleezza Rice spoke to the THS class of 2009 about the unlimited possibilities that the world has to offer. Although I do not remember the words of my own graduation speaker, I know that I will never forget the advice she gave last night. Even though her words were directed to the students in the red robes, her speech went beyond the field, into the stands, and into our hearts.

Dr. Rice spoke about the importance of following one's passion, no matter how long it may take to figure out what that passion may be. As a college senior who changed her major her junior year, just as Dr. Rice did, I found comfort in knowing that I made the right decision for myself. The road that led to this decision was full of twists and turns, laughter and tears, fear and hope, and plenty of ups and downs. However, each obstacle that I had to face taught me something about myself that I would have not known otherwise. If every part of my college career had been perfect, I would probably already be out of school with a degree that would allow me to get a job. But, I doubt I would be doing with my life what I am meant to do. Conquering obstacles forces one to realize just how much he or she can accomplish. The best things in life never come easy. In fact, life's greatest rewards come from doing the things that terrify us the most. Dr. Rice spoke of a certain counselor that told her she was not college material. What would our country be like if she had listened to this bad advice? Fortunately, she chose to overcome that obstacle. She fought that battle. And, she won.

What if, when looking at the big picture, Dr. Rice was just meant to be in Talladega, AL last night? What if her words opened the eyes of someone who had also been told that he or she just would not make it as a college student? What if that individual one day becomes just as successful as Dr. Rice? What if the cycle continues, and this person one day speaks to another class, opening the eyes of another student? That, my friends, is the real American dream... to live, love, fight, win, and eventually change the world. That is what Dr. Rice has done. The point of all of this is that each student that sat in the red chairs on the football field last night has every chance in the world to do anything they wish to do. They can become whatever they wish to be. They can change the lives of others. They can follow their dreams. They can win their battles. They can overcome each obstacle that meets them on their road to success. They can truly make a difference in the world. And, I truly believe that they will.

I always attend THS graduations, even though I no longer live in Talladega. Part of knowing where you want to go is remembering where you came from. That is exactly what Dr. Rice has done. No matter how far she's gone in life, she has never forgotten her roots. And, she gives to others what was not given to her: encouragement, confidence, and an example that one can go as far in life as he or she wants. Success is to a person whatever he or she wishes it to be. Never let the world define you. Define yourself. One can never go wrong as long as he or she is following his or her heart. That is my advice to the graduates. Follow your heart. Always follow your heart. Don't ever give up. Don't ever stop fighting.

As I saw each student walk across the stage, millions of possibilities flashed before my eyes. When the hats flew into the night sky, I thought of my own graduating class, and I smiled from ear to ear. We have all come so far, but at the end of the day, we're still the same young men and women that we were at our own graduation. We're still fighting battles. We're still full of hope and adventure. We're still following our hearts. Every year that I come home for graduation, I want to still be able to feel as proud as I did last night.

The class of 2009 remembered the classmates they'd lost by placing red roses in the chairs that would have been occupied by these students. This especially touched me, because their remembrance for these students will continue long after those roses wilt away. Not a day has gone by that I have not thought of my classmates that have passed away. This is a form of motivation for us all, because we have the chance to do things that our friends will never be able to do. They live in our hearts, and each of our personal victories is a victory for our entire graduating class, including those who are watching over us from Heaven. The beauty of growing up in a small town is found in the friendships that last after high school AND college. Some people believe that growing up in a town like Talladega hinders one from certain opportunities. I have never found this to be true, though. I think that it gives people the type of bond that is much stronger than those found in bigger cities with larger schools. Nothing can hinder a person unless he or she chooses to allow it to. That is a fact.

To the graduates, I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations. Go out into the world now. It is your time to shine. Do not expect whatever path you choose to be easy, because most of the time the hardest thing and the right thing are exactly the same. May God bless each of you with the strength and will to succeed. In this day and age, technology makes it easy to keep in touch with anyone that you wish. Use this. You'll be glad that you did. Remember that time really does fly by just as quickly as everyone told you it would. Before you know it, you'll be graduating from college, getting married, having babies, or getting promotions. You'll be buying your own house, paying bills, and wishing that you could go back to the way things were, even if just for a day. This may not make much sense now, but you'll understand one day. Trust me.

Best of luck to each and every one of you.

Haley Lauren Thomas

Ratfaces make the best friends, in case you didn't know.

Statistics, Mouth Surgery, and May Monsoons

I talked to my mom earlier, and she mentioned that I had not written in quite a while. She was right! Honestly, I've been so busy with this summer Statistics course that I haven't had much to write about. My life hasn't exactly been interesting lately. Sometimes, though, I'd rather have a few boring weeks. It's nice to have a break from the madness that my life usually contains. :)

Statistics, as most of you know, is a math course. I really, really, REALLY do not enjoy math. I've always hated math. Surprisingly, I've done pretty well so far. I've studied hard. I've done my homework. The class is three hours long every single day, so it is not always easy to pay attention, but it is possible. And, I needed to learn that I CAN do math if I really try. This is a big hurdle for me.... and I'm jumping it. I'm jumping it big time.

Dr. K did a dental surgery for me last week. He had to cut my gum, lift it up, and smooth down a bone that had been causing me discomfort. I did not have any visible swelling on my face, but my gum has been extremely uncomfortable and quite puffy. I am not on pain medication anymore, but I'm making it just fine. :)

I'm starting to wonder if I need to build an ark or something. It has seriously rained EVERY SINGLE DAY IN MAY. Are we serious?? I'm tired of wearing my hair curly... but there is no flat iron in the world that can keep my hair straight and frizz-free in this kind of weather. Please... let's have some sunshine soon! I want to have beautiful hair again. Thanks. ;)

I hope all of you are doing well. I really miss seeing everyone. My friends are all in summer classes, planning weddings, starting internships, or getting ready to move away to grad school. It's so exciting, but it's sad, too. I'd love to go back in time for just a little while. Even with that being said, I'm also very proud of my friends. I'm so, SO proud of them. I told everyone from the start: OUR GENERATION IS HERE TO DO GREAT THINGS! Just wait... you'll see!

xoxo
HLT

My pets have taken over my life.

He likes to sleep like this.

Jake :)

Pickles isn't the nicest cat in the world... but she is definitely the strangest.

Jake is larger than me, but I'm not sure that he is aware of that fact.

Fat kitten!!

Another fat kitten!!

Basket of kittens (and Pickles, the mommy)

Hi :)

I was trying to take a picture of Jake, but he jumped off of the bed right before the flash. So, here is a lovely picture of my wall, haha!

Don't let their smiles fool you... they are not well-behaved beasts :)

RANDOM

RATFACE!

IN NASHVILLE :)

Ratfaces and Vertigo

The following is a list of things I've done in the past two weeks:
1. Went to doctor
2. Found out that my "cold" was really the flu.
3. Wrote 2 extremely long papers.
4. Stayed awake for four days straight....seriously. I was too sick and stressed to sleep.
5. Took finals
6. Ratface came to visit
7. Went to hospital
8. Found out that I had Vertigo
9. Spent 6 hours with Rat and Russ in the hospital
10. got VERY large shot in hip
11. woke up with no recollection of going home
12. took Shakespeare final the next morning
13. Rode to Nashville with Ratface and Russell
14. Wrote this.

My life is not exciting.

Credit to Ratface for the embarrassing photos. He's soooooo funny...NOT! :) Kidding!

The medicine seems to help with the vertigo. My ears still pop and feel stopped up a lot, and my vision is still blurry sometimes, but the dizziness is better. Any improvement is a plus!

I'll update again soon.

Critical Essay: "Thomas Hardy and the Impersonal Lyric" critique

Thomas Hardy: Impersonal or Personally Pessimistic?

Romantic poets display a variety of distinguishable characteristics. Just as the characteristics of Romantic works are varied, so are the personalities of Romantic poets. This seems reasonable when one considers the main idea behind Romantic poetry, which is the strong emphasis on feeling and emotion. Romantic poets rely largely on the idea of imagination, while also believing in the power of one’s own intuition. Many readers today feel that Romantic authors were fueled by a dislike for social order, as many of their works are built around the feeling that comes with freedom from rules. Romantic poems often showcase a love of beauty and nature. The experiences had by Romantic poets involving this love of beauty and nature are expressed in their works. Many critics believe that one’s account of an experience has more validity if it is written during the actual experience. For example, William Wordsworth is infamous for his accounts of experiences in nature, which were composed during the actual experience. Thomas Hardy’s works were not written about whatever event was occurring at the moment. Instead, Hardy’s works were the result of the understanding of an event after the event took place. Susan M. Miller’s critique of Thomas Hardy, titled, “Thomas Hardy and the impersonal lyric”, expresses her belief that Thomas Hardy’s poems are anti-Romantic. She sees Hardy’s works as expressions of his ideas rather than expressions of his emotions. While many Romantic poets obviously focused on one’s own experience, Miller feels that Hardy focused more on knowledge and understanding. She feels that when one’s understanding of an event happens after the event occurs, rather than as the event is occurring, it forces one to distance his or herself from the event. This, Miller explains, causes the event to become a psychological burden, making it difficult for one to recognize the meaning of the event at hand. Thomas Hardy would disagree with Miller’s opinion of understanding. He believed that any new understanding of an event was relative to one’s feeling about that particular event. In Hardy’s opinion, the fact that one understood an event was far more important than when the act of understanding took place. Miller’s view of Hardy’s emphasis of understanding is the reason she describes him as anti-Romantic. Hardy lived a life full of disappointments, and this led him to believe in fate. He uses the idea of fate in each of his works, which explains why most of his poems ended with a tone of disappointment. A poet writes of the world as he or she sees it, and through the eyes of Thomas Hardy, the world was a dreary place. While he may not have the traditional optimistic view of a Romantic poet, he does focus on feeling. His skeptical view of the world was not the result of a psychological burden, as Miller states. Instead, one could say that Hardy had a skeptical view of life because he felt that the world was cruel and unfair. He may not have focused on the same feelings as other Romantic poets, but that does not make Hardy anti-Romantic. His feelings were altered by the experiences he had during his own life. Without the experiences of his own life, he would not have the particular feelings about the world that he expressed in each of his works.

Miller’s first explanation of her belief that Hardy is anti-Romantic concerns Hardy’s perception of experience. She writes, “It is rather in the opportunity poetry gives us to view the shape of life from a less immediate vantage: to perceive the structure of human experience with
what Auden called a “hawk’s vision” — a perspective that exchanges immediacy for scope.” (Miller 96) Miller uses a poem by Hardy, titled “Your Last Drive”, as an example of his retrospective perception. In this poem, Hardy expresses his feeling that the true importance of a particular moment is not revealed through any point of view. This poem is coated in the heavy despair that Hardy felt about this event, and it is clear to readers that this anguish had been with him for quite a while. This poem was written about his first wife, from whom he was estranged. Her death made a huge impact on Hardy, as he regretted waiting until her death to realize how much he loved her. Hardy believed that no moment can ever reveal its true importance. One cannot possibly realize how much an event will change his or her life until he or she has had the opportunity to experience the feelings that come with the understanding of the event. In “Your Last Drive”, Hardy expresses what he believes his wife would have been thinking during her last drive if he had been in the car with her. He describes her thoughts in the last two lines of the poem, which state, “I go hence soon to my resting-place; you may miss me then.” In response to this poem, Miller writes, “The poem with its piling up of negations mocks the very idea that experience, lived moment by moment, might be other than inscrutable.” She believes that Hardy’s intended use of this poem was to ridicule the idea that any experience lived at the moment it occurs could possibly make legitimate sense. Miller’s response seems harsh when one considers the fact that Hardy was writing about someone who actually existed. This woman was someone that he truly loved, and his strong emotions towards this woman and her death sparked his imagination. He imagined the woman he loved taking one last drive. Then, Hardy thought about what could have been going through the mind of his wife during this drive. He continued to explore this thought by imagining what it would have been like if he were in the car with her during her last drive. In the end, he realized that either way, she would have been thinking the same thing. While Miller believes this is just another poem by Hardy that ends in disappointment, one could argue that the tone at the end of the poem is one of content and relief. Instead of regretting the fact that he was not with her, he realizes that his wife would have died regardless. He seems to be giving himself reason to let go of remorse and guilt. If Hardy had never had this idea, the weight of his guilt may have never been lifted. This does not fit well with Miller’s “psychological burden” theory.

Next, Miller discusses how little benefit hindsight gives to the readers of Hardy’s poems. She writes, “Rather than body out a world of “abundant recompense” that might hope to redeem past losses in a present gain of wisdom, Hardy emphasizes instead the tragic lateness of all
knowledge, so that the wisdom won through retrospection is less often a gift than a torment.” (Miller 98) By pointing out what she sees to be a flaw of Hardy’s, Miller actually admits that Hardy did not seem to focus on what his readers would learn from his poetry. Instead, he focused on thoughts that were products of his own feelings. He makes it clear that this poem was nothing more than a mere thought of his, a simple product of his own imagination. For someone described as anti-Romantic, Hardy seems to display quite a few Romantic characteristics in this poem. He does present, in this poem, the idea that one of life’s greatest tragedies is the fact that a true understanding of an event usually comes long after the event occurred. He recognizes that regret does exist in the mind of any person who has dealt with a great loss. Hardy is a man that has been broken by the ways of fate, and it is only natural that he felt the way he did. “The Last Drive” was only written by Hardy because of the regret he had concerning the death of his first wife. Charles Baudelaire said, "Romanticism is precisely situated neither in choice of subject, nor exact truth, but in a way of feeling." Hardy was not writing about his wife’s death. He was expressing his feelings about her death.

Miller discusses another poem by Hardy titled “Neutral Tones” to further explain her belief that he is anti-Romantic. She says, “Something about the plot structure is hypothetical or self-negating, so that the situation the poem describes announces itself as impossible — a drama that can be understood only as an experiment of the imagination and not as a lived experience.” (Miller 102) It seems odd she would describe an author that she believes is anti-Romantic in this particular way. A characteristic of a Romantic piece of work is the use of imagination. Another common theme in Romantic poetry is intuition, a description that could easily be twisted to mean something as negative as a phrase like “self-negating.” Hardy’s presentation of two opposite views in “Neutral Tones” is proof that he knew that there was more than one possible way to view an experience. If this poem portrays one point of view as being more valid than another, it is because he feels this way. He is, yet again, expressing a feeling. Just because Hardy’s feelings are quite different than Wordsworth’s does not mean that they are not valid feelings. Romantic works were based on feelings, and while most of these feelings were positive, it cannot be argued that negative feelings do exist. Hardy happened to present a more pessimistic way of thinking, which would lead to thoughts that were more likely to be negative than positive.
Thomas Hardy was a man who lived a tragic life. He knew the evil that existed in the world. He also knew that wonderful things existed, such as imagination, solitude, possibilities, experience, and feelings. He knew that completely irrational thoughts and ideas existed, but that these thoughts could one day make sense. This understanding could come at any point later in life, and whenever this happened, it would change how a person felt about life forever. The more one understands something, especially something tragic, the more real the event feels. While many people choose to walk through life blindly in order to protect themselves from feelings like remorse or guilt, Hardy faced his demons. Like most Romantic poets, Hardy was against the ideas of conformity and rules. As a result, he dared to break the rules. He felt sad, so he wrote sad poems. He knew the harsh reality of life, and he did not attempt to hide this in his poetry. Most importantly, Hardy allowed his poetry to take his experiences places that reality did not. Regardless of how the poem ended, at some point in it, Hardy placed the possibility of a different ending. He knew that life’s most important lessons were found in the journey, not the destination. The road is long, and in many cases, very rough. The possibilities are endless. In fact, in the end, the journey was the destination. To some, this may seem irrational. To Hardy, this may have taken 10 years to truly understand. Either way, it is far from being anti-Romantic.

I actually enjoyed writing this position paper!

Dickens, Charles. Hard Times. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1996.

When I hear Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine,” I think of Charles Dickens’ Hard Times. The first character who speaks in this novel is Mr. Gradgrind, who has just established a school. The book opens by him saying, “Now, what I want is, Facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts. Facts alone are wanted in life.” (Pg. 7) Gradgrind speaks in a mechanized manner, and his thoughts and actions are only of rational things. Gradgrind raises his own children in the same manner in which he wants to run his school. “Welcome to the Machine” begins with the line, “Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.” When I hear this, I picture Gradgrind standing in front of his school with open arms, ready to teach children the right way to live. The next line of “Welcome to the Machine” asks, “Where have you been?” This question is answered by the following line, which says, “It’s alright we know where you’ve been.” The question is both asked by someone who already knew the answer. Gradgrind uses this approach to show students an example of the right way to think. In the second chapter of Hard Times, Gradgrind asks two students for a definition of a horse. One student, Sissy Jupe, is unable to give a definition of a horse. Gradgrind ridicules her by saying, “Girl number twenty possessed of no facts in reference to one of the commonest of animals!” (9) Blitzer, the other student Gradgrind asked to give a definition, replied by listing facts about horses. This pleased Gradgrind, who then said, “Now, girl number twenty, you know what a horse is.” Clearly, Gradgrind knew that Sissy would not be able to answer his question. He only asked her in order to prove a point.

Since Gradgrind thinks of nothing other than facts, he does not have time for things that are fun or silly. In his mind, every single thing should make sense. There is no need for entertainment, according to Gradgrind. He says, “You must discard the word Fancy altogether. You have nothing to do with it.” He becomes very angry with his children in the third chapter of the novel when he catches them observing a circus through a hole in a fence. Circuses are not logical, nor do they serve a valid purpose. Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine” also addresses the idea of discarding fancy. The third and fourth lines read, “You’ve been in the pipeline, filling in time, provided with toys and Scouting for Boys.” Scouting for Boys is a book that was written by Robert Baden-Powell. It addresses many topics on how to act like a good citizen, including the idea that masturbation led to idiocy. Baden-Powell also suggested that men only had a certain amount of sperm, just as women only had a certain number of eggs. Just as Gradgrind uses facts to make sense of everything that he does not approve of, Baden-Powell creates a theory that makes his disapproval of masturbation seem logical.

The second half of Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine” addresses the act of dreaming. Lines eleven and twelve state, “What did you dream? It’s alright we told you what to dream.” Again, a question is asked and answered by the same source. Dreams are sacred. They are one of the few things that are truly personal. They are the product of one’s imagination, feelings, and lingering thoughts. Gradgrind wanted to remove these things from his students. He wanted them to believe that facts are facts, and anything that is not fact is not important. If a child is taught to only go by what is factual, and told to discard his or her imagination, the child’s dreams may just be a set of facts replaying over and over again.

The remaining lines of “Welcome to the machine” use the word “he” in place of “you.” These lines speak of the mysterious “he” driving a jaguar, eating steak at a restaurant, and playing guitar. However, the song ends with, “Welcome to the machine.” The person that drove the fancy car, ate at the expensive restaurant, and played a musical instrument for pleasure is part of the past. Even though fun did exist at some point, it was no longer of importance. The repetition of the line, “Welcome to the Machine” seem to say that there is no other option. Dickens wrote this novel in response the industrialization in England. He was disgusted by the way the government treated human beings as machines. Since the government was the source of power, it could be called the machine. Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine” and Dickens’ Hard Times both present an opposing view to this idea.

"Don't ever let life pass you by..."

fairest of ten thousand to my soul...

It did not rain today. I did not cry. We had a beautiful Easter service, and the church was packed full. It was so good to hear everyone laugh again. We honored Brother Larry's memory by decorating the church with beautiful lilies. He loved the song "Lily of the Valley." Miss Ann looked beautiful, as always. It was wonderful to see her smiling! Samantha sang in the choir today, and I know that Brother Larry would have been so proud of her. I was in Miss Ann's class when Samantha was born, and now she's as tall as I am. She's very beautiful, and she looks so much like Neva did when she was younger. Of course, Josh was precious, as he always is. He was wearing the cutest little suit! They're such a strong family, and they love our church just as much as Brother Larry always did. They mean so much to all of us.

Yes, this Easter was much different than any other I've ever had, but I'm okay. Things change, and all that we can do is just roll with it. Everything is going to be okay. No matter what happens, we will all see each other again. I really do believe that. It's going to be quite the celebration! :)

"He will never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His blessed will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessed face,
Where rivers of delight shall ever roll...."

Happy Easter to all of you!

rainy skies and the girl who cries

This morning, I stepped out of my door at 9:45 A.M. My English Novel class started at 10 A.M., and I really did not want to be late. The second I stepped off of my porch, it started to rain. I ran to the car, cranked it up, and proceeded to back into the trashcan, which the garbage truck workers so kindly left in the middle of my driveway. I did not get out to pick up the disgusting garbage can. The only reason I was even rushing for time was because I spent too long getting ready. I was not going to destroy my hair to pick up something gross in the rain. So, I left it in the middle of the street. I drove through a small monsoon to get to The Stone Center, which has, sadly, turned into my second home. Then, I ran in three inch satin heels and a new red dress while carrying my extremely large purse, two notebooks, and an umbrella. When I finally got to the door, I awkwardly closed the umbrella. I'm really terrible with umbrellas in general. I remembered my mom giving me that particular umbrella at Brother Larry's funeral.

We talked about religious issues today in class. We're reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce. Stephen, the main character, was raised in a strict Catholic school. He listened to countless sermons about the horrors of Hell, and he thought had to follow a strict set of rules if he did not want to end up in Hell. Our class discussed this for a long time, and I was shocked to see that some of my classmates had also heard many sermons like the ones in the novel. They were taught to fear God. They talked about how this turned them away from religion in general, and I could understand why it would. I almost felt guilty, because I never had to hear sermons like that. Brother Larry always focused on what we SHOULD do, rather than what we should NOT do. He taught us to love others, to be accepting of all types of people, and to reach out and help those who need us. I heard so many sermons about Heaven, all of which I remember very well. However, I do not recall any sermon that was focused on Hell. I learned to believe in a forgiving and gracious God. God is love. God is good. I wish that some of these people could have heard Brother Larry preach. I wish that I'd realized earlier how lucky I really was. I looked out the window, and to my surprise, the sun had come through the clouds. The rain was almost gone.

I walked out of class with a friend that I've had several courses with at JSU. He is a very considerate, thoughtful, and kind person. He is also a pastor, a husband, and a father. We talked about a classmate of ours that passed away this week from a heart attack. We talked about how Easter was going to be difficult this year. His wife is about to have a baby after a long period of time on bed rest. He has been exhausted, but still, he had time to show kindness to someone else. He said he'd keep me in his prayers, and I don't know if he'll ever realize how much I needed that. I hope that God blesses his wife with a safe and easy delivery, as well as a healthy baby!

Russell and I drove to Talladega, where we managed to go through 13 monsoons and one large hailstorm. We went to the Good Friday service at my church. There were not many people there, but I understand how hard it is. It's just too emotional. We've never done this without Brother Larry. Everything is different. Everyone just looks tired. The rain continued. The choir opened with "Were You There?" I cried. I just miss hearing him laugh. I miss everything. Russell got a peppermint out of his pocket, and I just lost it again. Usually, I'd just throw my hand back, and Uncle Randall would put a peppermint in it. He did not sit behind me today. For 21 years, he's been sitting behind me in church. His seat is empty now. I don't want him to be sick anymore. Leave him alone, cancer... leave all of us alone. It's not the peppermints that I need. I need everything to go back to the way it was. It was perfect. None of these people deserve to hurt the way that they do. None of them ever deserve to feel one ounce of pain.

I've cried every single day since January 06, 2009. If this keeps up, I'll drown in the tears.