Tuesday, April 22, 2008

you saved me





I hide my tears, for they're not warranted.
It's my good deed to you, go on and forward it.
And while you only seem to exist to me.
It's my fault that you never got to be.

I wonder where you are, what you do, who you see,
and if you could ever be proud of me.
Blaming myself hasn't gotton me far.
And, you still live in the corners of my heart.

Sometimes I sleep, then wake, then wait.
Is it true? Will you be here today?
And then I stop, and tell myself, whispering
"Don't worry, you were only dreaming"

They think they know, but they don't.
She thinks I'll tell her, but I won't.
They just won't get it, they don't understand
that this sadness was never part of the plan.

Don't think I've forgotton you, I'd never!
And I know I'll remember you forever.
I have to move on, but I'll remember what you gave me.
I'd forgotton why I'm here, and then you came and saved me.




I know I'm no good at poetry, but it's my therapy :)

Love,
Haley

Monday, April 14, 2008

I placed my FATE and FAITH in God's hands.

For a long time, I've been thinking a lot about religion and what it means to me. See, I don't go to church every Sunday. I'm doing good to go once every three months. To a lot of people, this makes me a person who is not very religious. I would like to have a chance to explain how I feel about this.

On all of these weekends that I do not go to church, I'm often traveling to Tuscaloosa, Auburn, or Talladega to see my friends. Maybe this sounds trivial, and maybe church should come first, but these people mean the world to me. Sometimes, this stress gets to me, and I get down. I'm not a depressing person, like one personsaid in a comment he/she left to me. I'm just normal, and normal people can't be happy all of the time. If they say that they are, chances are high that they're not telling you the truth. I worry about money, and how I need to find a job that will work around my schedule. Also, I want to still have time to spend with my boyfriend and my friends. I know, the job should come first, but I'm going to be honest and say that it doesn't. I would be miserable working a job that never allowed me to see the people that mean so much to me. This includes my parents, who I feel like I never get to spend time with due to conflicts in my schedule AND theirs. I'm stressed about school, because I've busted my tail to make good grades this semester and I hope that my final grades reflect the hard work I have put into this semester. For the first time in a long time, I am proud of myself. No, I'm not full of myself... not even close. This is where God comes in.

Last year, when I struggled with many decisions, both good and bad, and the outcomes of these decisions, I felt like my world was caving in. For so long, all I had wanted was to graduate high school and get out of my parent's house so that I could finally be in charge of my own fate. The thing that I did not realize was that I had, indeed, been in charge of my fate for my entire life. Even when I went to church every Sunday with my parents, I never thought that life would be easier if I could just admit that I did not want to be in charge. Some people are meant to be leaders and guide themselves down whatever road they wish. I, however, am not one of those people. At the end of my spring semester one year ago, I wrote a letter to myself and saved it on the computer. I'm not going to post this, because it's too personal, but in the letter, I told myself that it was time to turn to God. I desperately needed to put my fate and my life in his hands and see where he would take me. It's hard to give up control, really, and I battled with this choice all summer. I made a big deal over something that I knew I should have done all along. I gave my life to God, and since then, I have felt like I am exactly where I need to be. I made the decision to come back to Jacksonville, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself at the time. I have made myself believe in my abilities again, because I was convinced that I had no talents, and that I'd never make a difference to anyone. I have finally reached a point where I'm able to stop beating myself up for a choice that I made that I will never be able to change. I no longer think that I am a bad person, no matter what some people may believe. God put me through these trials so that I would be able to grow stronger as a person, a friend, a writer, and a BELIEVER in Him. I have always questioned his existance, and wondered if we, as Christians, are really RIGHT. What I've learned is that you cannot lump all Christians together. You cannot assume that all white people are the same, or black people, people who get divorces, people who have children out of wedlock, high school dropouts, those who choose not to go to college, homeless, alcoholics ,teachers, blondes, homosexuals, or anyone who chooses to just be different. We're all just people. We were all put here because God chose to put us here. We are the way we are for a reason, and not one of us has the authority to judge who is better, worse, right, or wrong. This is the God I choose to believe in. This is the God that I trust with my fate. This God does not love me less because I do not choose to worship in his house every Sunday. This God listens to me at all hours of the day or night when I need to talk to Him. This God answers me in ways that I do not expect at times when I'm convinced He has forgotton me. This God surrounded me with friends, family, and love. This God knew that these things would help me get through anything that I struggle with.

Now, if this is not the God that you believe in, that's okay, too. The beauty of religion is that there is no right or wrong. What is right for me may not be right for you. I believe that the main idea that one needs to grasp in order to be close to God is the fact that WE ARE NOT IN CHARGE, HE IS. I know this now. I embrace this, even.

It still hurts sometimes when people assume that I am not close to God because of things that I have done in the past, or even things that I continue to do now. I think that anyone who believes that they know what makes God love you is foolish. I don't think that you have to follow certain guidelines in order to "make" God love you. I know that He put me here for a reason. I know that I have a purpose. And, every day when I wake up, I wonder if that will be the day that my purpose and/or reason is exposed to me. I am open to His signs and suggestions, and I know that when I'm meant to, I'll find it. For all I know, I could have found it already.

I urge you to think about this the next time you catch yourself looking down on someone because they don't attend church as much as you do. This doesn't mean you're any closer to God or heaven than they are. I do not have to leave my own house to appreciate God, talk to him, or hear all of the great things he has given us. I look outside, and I see the beauty of the world that he made. I hear my phone ring, and it's someone who means a great deal to me calling to check on me, and I remember how He gave us the ability to love. I barely dodge a wreck when I'm driving to class, and I think of those who are watching over me. I eat dinner, and I thank Him for providing me with parents who love me enough to make sure I have money for groceries. I look over at Kyle and remember all the trials we have gone through together, and I thank God for putting him in my life so that I didn't go through these trials alone. I see the wheelchair ramps outside of the library, and I am thankful that I am able to walk. I read things that I wrote in November of 2006, and I'm so glad that God was holding my hand when I did not think that I could go on. I talk to our family friend Gail on the phone, and remember that she has always loved me NO MATTER WHAT, and God put her in my life for a reason. I dream of doing big things in the future, not only in my name, but in His, as well.

I always said that every time I thought I was so far down that I wanted to give up, something lifted me off of the ground and put me back on my feet. I know what that "something" is now, and that means everything to me.

Love,
Haley

Monday, April 7, 2008

Monday, March 24, 2008

A few pictures from the beach :)














Sorry there aren't more, my camera died pretty early on in the trip! :(
XOXO-
-HLT

Monday, March 10, 2008

What I'm up to!

I just wasted time, writing a long blog because I felt angry. But, then I remembered how stupid people look when they gossip in blogs, and I will not take part in that. I'm glad I thought twice before pressing "publish post".

Also, I am sick of writing about tort lawsuits. WHY did I choose this subject? Are we serious? 5 pages down, 5 to go!

In 6 days, I'll be relaxing on the beach from the 15th-21st with some of my very best friends and Kyle. I always have fun on vacations with him, and it will be so good to get away from school.

Midterms came out, and I was very happy with my grades! =] 4 weeks of school left after spring break, and then on to summer school. Will it ever end??

XOXO
HLT

Sunday, March 9, 2008

My Statement

One thing that bothers me about the attitude of today's society is the extreme LACK of will to make a statement. You see, I was under the impression that we're only given a short amount of time on Earth, and our purpose is to believe in something and make a statement for those beliefs. What happened? Is it socially taboo to be remembered for something you strongly believe? If you died tomorrow, what kind of legacy would you leave behind? Would it be cliche'? Would anyone remember it ten years later? Is it not a slap in the face to whoever you choose to worship if you do not use the life given to you to support something, anything? There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself out there and standing up for WHO YOU ARE. So many people are afraid of what may be said about them if they step out of the box. This is understandable, seeing as so many people ridicule those who dare to make a new path. So, let me make myself public. Let me make my statement, and put myself at risk for insult. To anyone who wishes to gossip, let me say that it fails to matter. I am still in the journey to find what I'm meant to do while I'm here, but I know that I will find it. I will never accept that I'm meant to be average, and if this bothers you, maybe it's because you know you HAVE accepted that for yourself. I refuse to live a mediocre life, and not make my mark. And, when my time is up, I hope that if anyone wishes to find out what it is I believed in, they will be able to ask someone and be told. I have no secrets, my life is an open book. I will remember the compliments I get, and forget the insults. I will move forward with those who make my life better, and leave behind those who cause me harm. The amount of money in my bank account will NOT define how successful of a person I am. What should, and DOES, matter are the lives I've touched, and other lives I've allowed to influence and teach me. I will embrace the struggles, and the right and wrong choices that I make. I will love the fact that I'm not always right. I will take the hard road, if it is the one that will get me where I want to be. I will continue to question those in authority, as well as the laws that I do not understand. I will NOT hurt those I love just to get further in life. I will not mind seeing those I care about reaching "success" before I do. I will follow my dreams. I will enjoy the power and beauty that comes with youth. I want to show that real friends ARE family, reputations are nonsense, and exposing your soul IS worth it, if you love who you are. So, here it is, here's my statement:

I'm Haley Lauren Thomas, and I do believe that one person can change the world.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Don't Panic

I know that I never knew her, but wasn't she beautiful? This girl was loved by so many, and is said to be someone who was a true joy to be around. All those who knew her are devastated, and all of us who never met her wish that we had. Lauren Burk, for some reason unknown, did not get the chance to live a very long life. However, she touched so many people while she was here. She's still touching people now that she is no longer here. That is truly amazing. I cannot begin to imagine how her family feels. I do not even want to think about how her friends must be doing right now. I've lost people that I cared about, but I've been lucky enough to not experience the loss of a best friend. It breaks my heart to wonder what I would do if it were me receiving the call that they did on March 4, 2008. I love my friends with my entire heart, and while I know that I cannot prevent bad things from happening to them, I still feel the need to be overly protective at this moment. I do not think I would be able to get through that sort of loss. I hope that her family finds solace in knowing that people my age across the country have, without help, set up organizations ordering tshirts, wristbands, and bumper stickers in her memory, and are donating the money earned to her family, as well as to fund the reward for information to help solve this mystery. The tragedy of Lauren Burk has pushed us all to look deeper inside ourselves and wonder if we're living life to the absolute fullest. Will we be remembered as good people, too? DID WE CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE? Lauren did. She truly, honestly did. I know that society questions God when things like this happen. We ask him, "Why?" and wonder if he exists at all. Is it possible that he sent Lauren here for 18 years to teach us a lesson on life, and it's precious importance? Maybe. I just hope her family and friends know how much everyone is supporting them at this time. I know that nothing will ease the pain, but you've got prayers coming in for you all across the country, and beyond. The news said that Coldplay's "Don't Panic" was one of her favorite songs. Here are the lyrics::

bones sinking like stones
all that we fought for
homes, places we’ve grown
all of us are done for.
and we live in a beautiful world,
yeah we do, yeah we do.
we live in a beautiful world.
bones sinking like stones
all that we fought for
homes, places we’ve grown
all of us are done for.
but we live in a beautiful world,
yeah we do, yeah we do.
we live in a beautiful world.
oh all that I know,
there’s nothing here to run from
everybody here’s got somebody to lean on

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Addressed to Granddaddy.


I'm not sure why, but I was thinking a lot about you today. I've been through a lot in the past few years, and I have made many different types of decisions to get through the struggles. I wonder if you would be proud of me. I've forgotton the stories you used to tell us, even the one about the skunk, and it was my favorite. I don't even remember your voice anymore, and it tears me up. I do remember, however, the way you put pepper on everything, and lots of it. I will never forget the chair you always sat in during the big breakfasts that grandmother would always make when all of us spent the night. I still have the big teddy bear you got me, and I'll always tell the story of how you chose this one over a white bear because it looked real, and you knew I'd like it more. I remember being confused when you passed away, and I did not understand why. I still don't. You were the only grandfather that I ever knew, and nobody has ever changed that. I hope that at some point, people that knew you will be able to look at me and see characteristics of you. I just wanted you to know that I still think of you, we all do. I know that I've put myself in too many dangerous situations, and I'm aware that somebody up there has pulled a lot of strings to keep me safe and well down here. I'm pretty sure it's you, and I owe you a really big "THANK YOU"!! So, thank you.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Why I should pay more attention in class.

I found this in my notebook, I wrote it during class. So, it needs some work, obviously. =]



I know that you don't understand
why I am the way I am.
I stand as strong as I can
and I wish you were there to hold my hand.

Should I be alone and play it safe
Or, will tomorrow be a better day?
Shall I hold my breath and take the dive?
It's a wonder that I'm still alive.

I know the words they all wish to say,
and how they wonder why I don't just run away.
Follow my heart, or what's in my mind?
Turn my head and close the blinds?

You've given me a reason, as well as a story.
I'll write it all down and take all the glory.
Ignore those who are bitter, they're quick to judge.
They've chosen their sides, not willing to budge.

If you were to feel the way I feel
you'd bottle it up, and swallow the pill.
You'd take it daily, sit back and relax.
It's the fact of the matter, as a matter of fact.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Concerning the art of living, loving, and laughing

The following post contains some of my favorite pictures of my favorite people in the world. Some may say we've been wild, and we have. Others may think that we live recklessly, and this may also prove to be true. However, we have always said that if something were to happen, we'd regret nothing. This isn't easy for most people to say and really mean it. We have had countless nights where we stayed awake until the sun came up, and we just talked and laughed all night long. We've gone through deaths and births together. We all came together, and formed a backbone on which we all use for support. We are family, and have a unusual type of unconditional love. Without all of the experiences and memories we have made together, I would not be the person I am now. I have truly been blessed, and I often forget this.
I learned all I need to know about life from the people that I surrounded myself with. As we grew up, we came to realize that life is too short to be anything other than happy. We've lived by the rules that you must dance like no one is watching, sing too loudly, celebrate anything, drive too fast, take too many pictures, smile too big, love like you've never loved before, dream in color, and believe that anything is possible if you want it badly enough. So many people live their entire lives searching for the "secret" of happiness. I think that we were pretty lucky to figure this secret out at a young age, and practice it with no mercy or fear. See, we've loved and laughed forever, and all you ever need to know is to always love and laugh.
New Years 2007-2008
My 19th Birthday

Fall Break-- 10th Grade

We were having a disagreement, haha!

Valerie's Wedding

BAMA vs. LSU

80's Party at Parigi's

Sailboat on the ocean =]

Phil & Seth's

For our senior yearbook =]

Junior Prom

Senior Prom

Halloween 2007

Phillip's "ROOM" house in Talladega

The night the power went out for hours...

Wes & Goon's first apartment in Auburn

Yes, we had a couch outside.

"The Man House"

Playing in the snow =]
My Tuscaloosa roomies!

Trips to Auburn!

The most random Spring Break
of my entire life. Destin will
never be the same!

We went to the craziest Halloween party
in Tuscaloosa in 2006. I've never
seen costumes like that!

James Carr, my muse.

Bama football games =]
ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Nights at the Campbell residence
have been keeping us entertained
for years.

This couch has been EVERYWHERE! It was broken,
and when we'd sleep on the fold out bed,
it would fold us back into the couch. Haha!

Late nights with the old school nintendo =]

My favorite people from different states!

Double Nine Formal- Senior Year

Laying on the floor in Tuscaloosa

Double Nine Formal- Junior Year

Senior Year

Monday, January 28, 2008

Untitled.

Remember, Remember,
time spent in November.
We circled around the fire
Our eyes couldn't stay dry.
Hair blowing in the wind,
our love for this we will defend.
Younger than now, this is the past.
Oh, how we thought it would always last.
No reason to hurry, no reason to wait.
On time for nothing, except for fate.
We had to grow older, we couldn't run away.
If only, if only, we could go back to that day.
The day we didn't worry, the day we didn't cry
We knew all the secrets, no one had to pry.
Hands together, hearts within hearts
We played the game with the best hand of cards.
All that glitters is meant to be gold.
But, what do they say about growing old?
Does the laughter diminish, is it quiet all around?
Do we only see each other when we go back to town?
Lives like a sitcom, it was never a bore
We wondered what the future had in store
We'd laugh together for the rest of our lives
We'll wait for the weekend, and take the drive.
Never forgetting the way that we felt
The problems that came and how we dealt
The issues that made the boys act like men
On each other we knew we could depend
What about the funerals we had to attend?
Trying not to cry, attempting to pretend
that it wasn't scary, and we could make it through
Who will be next? What if it's you?
We questioned the way we'd lived and loved
And if it would ever be enough
Will we have regrets when we're old and gray?
Will we stop to appreciate today, today?
Looking forward at tomorrow, and back and yesterday
These are the words that we all want to say
Remember, remember, the trips that we took
and how the police let us off of the hook =]
How free we felt laying in the sand
feet in the water, beer in our hand
Tanned legs and bright smiles
on beaches that went on for miles and miles
The nights we spent laughing at Seth & Phil's
Or the times we were fighting, our for the kill
The "hey's" we yelled when someone opened the door
I never wanted anything more.
Just wanted to remind you that I won't forget
The way it felt to take the hit
and who I called then, and who called me back
to talk to me about what I might lack.
I'm still here if you need me, just give me a ring
I'll find where you are, and everyone else I will bring
We'll sit, talk and remember, remember...
the way we felt that November.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

what I learned on the worst day of my life

I wrote this on November 28, 2006. It was one of the worst days of my life, and I really learned a lot about strength, patience, and just how far you can push yourself to go. =]



Today was difficult for me. Although many may think they understand why it was hard, most cannot and never will. It is a unique experience for everyone who takes the path I have and all who are touched on the way. I am thankful, however, to have learned a few things in my journey that has currently reached a new point. I've met many people whom without I would not have reached and surpassed the obstacles that I've come across so far. Thank you all for being amazing. I am so very glad to have you all in my life. I figured out today that if something did happen, I'd be okay. I'd be okay with the life I've had so far. Don't take this as me saying I'd like to give up on life, because that's far from the point I'm making. It's just that everyone reaches a certain point during the transition from childhood to adulthood where you understand that life is not guaranteed. In fact, nothing at all is guaranteed. Friendship is not. Love is not. Jobs are not. Money is not. Happiness is not. Health is not. None of these things MUST be given to us. But, I've had all of these. And, as of today, the simple fact that I've had these things at least once in the short 19 years I've been here is enough. This feeling of satisfaction is new. Every feeling I've had today was new because I'd never felt it under such circumstances. Less than favorable things are always going to happen and these are nothing short of chances to expand your heart. I'm questioning God and instead of knowing that I won't recieve answers, I'm waiting on them. Patiently. My heart is growing. My outlook is altered. I'm growing and learning and doing both because I want to. I need to.
I'm calling in my soul to come and see.

Photobucket

4:41 AM

I found this... I wrote it early in the morning at a time when I was very hurt and very angry. I'm not a generally bitter person, and this is all in the past. I just liked it, I liked the overall tone of it, as well as the message. I was upset, hurt, and in despair. I just wanted to give my feelings out there. Here it is.

4:41 AM
You're everywhere I go.
Walking fast, walking slow.
Eyes still damp from the night before.
Just when it hurts less, it then hurts more.
Tearing away the photographs
All reminders of the past
Just like lightening, in a flash
It hits the wall. It makes a crash.
Breathing in, breathing out
As soon as I'm with you, I'm then without.
Shake my hand and wipe my tears
It's always blurry, never clear.
He stands in the way of the memories
I know he doesn't care, I know he doesn't see.
He can't hurt me because you've done it all
It doesn't matter if they push me until I fall.
Because of you I stand on my own
Because of you I know I've grown.
Because of you I can't feel pain.
Because of you I hear the rain.
Not needing you doesn't make me empty
It makes me feel a bit more pretty.
I pretend to him and act like I care.
He doesn't know my heart is barely even there.
I know he won't make me cry.
He really doesn't care, it's do or die.
Meaningless moments fly away
Same old nothing every day.
I don't seem to mind if I hurt anyone's feelings
Why should I care if it's a friendship I'm killing?
You turned me into someone so very cold.
For us to be so young, it's all very old.
I really don't care if your life is fine.
I would rather be alone than for you to be mine.
I've completely washed my hands of you.
I'm not lying like you would, it's all very true.
Keep telling your stories, I'm not impressed.
I talk about you behind your back, like all the rest.
I'm living my life just how I want.
If you wanted to come back, I'd tell you, "don't"

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Practically Perfect

I've always ranked my value in accordance to what my hopes and dreams are worth, and if I ever have a chance of accomplishing them. If I accept the value that I would receive in doing this method, I would not be worth very much.

I've always been a big dreamer. When you grow up hearing corny things like "reach for the stars" and "you can be whatever you want to be", you almost catch yourself believing all of it.

I always hear my professors talk about being "practical", making reasonable goals, knowing what you CAN do. When did it all change? I thought I could be whatever I wanted. Suddenly, someone is telling me to be practical! To LIMIT myself? Make goals, children, but please... be reasonable. You wouldn't want to have to work hard for anything. After all, a goal IS something that you can EASILY reach, right? When did it become silly to dream? To hope? To have faith in something that isn't so practical? If the world were rid of dreamers, we'd have no movies to look forward to seeing, and no books to read when then world is raining. Nothing to pass the time while we're sleeping. No new ideas. No new inventions. No charities, as they all start from nothing and only dream of making a difference. World peace? Bah. Forget it. Stop dreaming. Be reasonable. Be practical. Isn't that what they're telling us to do?

So, here I am, wondering what I'm worth. When I'm thinking reasonably, I'm almost 20. I'm only halfway through college, and that's just to a bachelor's degree. I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, and most of my talents are useless to the working world. I'm flawed. I have a temper. I may not ever mean much to anyone. I'm sick a lot. I cry too often. I have bad hair days. I'm just a girl who will never matter to the world as a whole. Because, I'm doing what they say. I'm thinking reasonably. I'm being... practical.

When I let my mind wander, however, I dream of how my love for writing could lead me to adventures in life. I could write a book who could change the lives (even for a minute) of anyone who read it. I could go on to law school! I could be successful. I'll stop getting sick so often. I won't have a reason to cry as much, because my heart won't be empty! I'll feel love and never be without it. I'll have the best hair day ever on a day when I need it! =] Someone will think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. I'll be a dreamer who is perfectly okay with being just that.

I should re-evaluate the way I rate myself.

Photobucket

Monday, January 14, 2008

...as if you wondered why.

I've had to do a lot of thinking lately. I've been pushed by friends to make certain decisions, and although I know that they only want the best for me, I've come to find that the "best" for me is whatever it is that makes me happy.

What does make me happy? Is it a bright future with money and prestige? Or, is it days spent laughing, loving, and making memories? See, I know that no matter what, I have the abilities to go out and get the things I want in life myself. I do not have to rely on who I end up with to do these things for me. I'm not looking to be a housewife. I know that I have talents that were only given to me so that I'd use them to benefit myself and all of the people who will be in my future. As long as the person I end up with is happy with himself, and does not rely on me to provide for him, then I am fine. I know that one day, money will not be an object for me because of the profession I will most likely enter.

But, there will be years where I struggle. And, as I'm sure you've already figured out, the real lesson is in the struggle, not the victory. When you reach the end result, that means that it's all over. I'm not ready for it to be over. As long as you can have the things you need, the things that you want are just at arm's length. So, don't judge me, please, for doing all of the senseless things that I do.

Maybe you think they have defined me.... but I think that they've only pushed me to define myself. So, what am I? I'm an all too liberal, bossy, big-hearted, scared (in the most fearless way possible) chance taker who loves photographs, babies, puppies, and bad reality TV. I make mistakes (often), but learn from them (most of the time). I'm too random for some people, too snotty for others. I try to not be judgemental, but I am, and I've accepted it, but am still making an effort. I ask questions that aren't important, and I always want my answer. I'll push you away when I need you the most, and I'll still hate you for leaving, even though I acted as if that's what I wanted you to do. I listen to music too loud, and make the most random CD's known to man, but I love it blasting with the wind in my hair. I have too much fun, and wouldn't have it any other way. I can have a conversation about anything, and do this in the most innappropriate times possible. I take too many pictures, and I want to leave behind a legacy of someone who just loved to laugh. I really do believe that my friends are the best in the world, and they've been my lifeline more than they'll ever be aware of. Sometimes I disappoint them, and sometimes I disappoint myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve even though I'm warned against it, but still hold back at the one perfect moment when I should speak up. I am human. This is what I am, and in all it's flaws... I think I'm pretty fabulous. And, you know what? You should, too. =]

Photobucket