ANGER.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry that, once again, I'm going through a list of regrets that seems too near to never ending for me to find any hope in it at all. I'm angry with the concept of change. I'm angry for having no choice other than admitting that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to make this go away. I'm angry that when I picture you, I can only picture you as a hero. I'm angry for not understanding that you, too, were a human being. I'm angry for being selfish, and wondering why I've had to go through this so many times. I'm angry that people have to leave. I'm angry that a perfect world does not exist, nor will it ever. I'm angry at myself for even being angry in the first place. See, I could never be angry with you for anything. Your heart was made of gold.

You carried our pain, always. You took a load off of the weight of our burdens. You opened our hearts and poured in messages of hope. I'm angry that somewhere along the line, we may have stopped doing those things for you.

I took a long shower earlier. After my normal shower routine, instead of getting out and drying off, I sat in the bottom of the bathtub and let water run down my entire body. I pulled my legs up to my chest, held them with my arms, and cried harder than I ever thought I could. I thought I was stronger than that, and finding out that I'm not just made me even more angry.

I thought about how badly I wanted to talk to you again. But, I have 21 years worth of your words to think back on. We talked about death, you and I, and you helped me find peace with the passing of many of my friends. Without you even being here, I feel like I already know what you would say. I'll never forget what you taught me. I'll never stop thinking that I still have so much more to learn.

I don't want to be angry. I want to find solace. That church has been my only source of peace for my entire life. It was my safe place. It was my second home for so many years, and I feel as if the majority of my childhood was spent there. You were the heart of that church, and nobody will ever be able to fill your shoes.

You're still my hero.