BARGAINING.

Trying to bargain with God is ridiculous. Those who do it are already aware of the fact that no amount of bargaining is enough to change what has already happened, as well as every single thing that will ever happen in the future. The thing about bargaining is that those who do it always make sure they have a safety net. Bargainers always offer their second favorite everything. Bargaining is what people begin to do when they have no other reasons for hope. We bargain at our darkest moments, and the more we do it, the harder it becomes to see clearly. Anyone who reads this already knew these facts before I wrote them. However, even though we're aware of what it is we're doing, we still do it anyway. As humans, we crave hope in forms of glimpses and ounces, people and books, and dreams and memories. When we can't find it there, we remember that one of the hardest facts of life is the one that reminds us that we can't have it all at once. Sometimes, we are not in control. In some place, far away from here, our worldly possesions aren't worth very much at all. However, this does not stop us from attempting to bargain them all away in order to receive something that we just cannot give up and live without.

It is all very sad, really. If we made these bargains in times other than our darkest moments, they might actually be possible.

Today, I listened to one of my favorite songs over and over again. I feel music in my bones, and I soak in the lyrics. On certain days, particular songs just feel right. This one felt right today.

"Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds"
-"One Thing" by Finger Eleven


After a few days of fighting back tears, I know that I may not do very well when trying to keep it together tomorrow and Saturday. I'm going to let myself cry. I'm going to let myself feel human. I'm going to hurt, but I'm going to let it flow through me like rain. It brings me back to the ground, this pain, and it reminds me of all of the wonders that come when I allow my soul to just feel alive. I'd rather feel despair than nothing at all.

On we go.