Sometimes, when I'm upset, I like to get in my car and drive. I roll down the windows, blast the music, and feel the wind in my hair. As I sat up all night, I wanted more than anything to just hop in my car, fly down the highway, and drive away my worries. With any luck, a gust of wind could pick up my car and I could drive into the sky until I reached a place where this all made sense. I'd wake up. It would have all been a dream: the phone call, the crying, and the night drive into the sky. And, I would breathe in a sigh of relief. This was my plan. Surely, this would work.
Today, I woke up after an hour of dreamless sleep, and the nightmare was not a nightmare at all. It really happened. I can close my eyes and hear his laugh. I can open my eyes and see what a lifetime of love has done. Eyes open or closed, he's there.
I don't understand why. I hope I never do. I never want this to make sense to me. I never want to understand that kind of pain and despair. It doesn't seem real, and for that, I'm thankful. That's when it gets hard, you know? The minute you understand that it is real, there is no going back.
And, the stages begin.
1 comment:
And it doesn't get any easier with age. Those we love are gone before their time and it just makes no sense. It becomes a question of whether we lose our faith or use our faith, and realize that there are those things that were never meant for us to understand.
Ironically, it was at your house that I met him, and while I never had the opportunity to know him well, he is one of those that you just like instantly. You are blessed to have had him in your life all these years.
I don't think we ever truly get over the loss of someone so close, nor should we. Their voices echo in our heads and continue to direct our lives.
Yes, Haley, there are stages, and you will walk through each of them. But just remember, you do not walk alone...
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