:)

my sweet kittens :)

lights will guide you home

I've always loved this song, but recently, it has made me think of how my church makes me feel. It's almost as if the lyrics perfectly describe what I feel my church says to me and what the people there do for me. I did not make this video, but I used it because it displayed the lyrics. It is such a beautiful song. Enjoy :)

the quiet things that no one ever knows

It's currently 5:40 AM. I was unable to sleep at all, so I decided to write. It seems like only yesterday I was finishing up the "Bible as Literature" May class, but here I am one year later, finishing up another May class. It is hard to believe a year has already flown by. It seems a little strange that the most challenging year of my life seems so short when I think about it now. I can confidently say that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. Most of the changes made in my life were not made by choice, but instead, they were made due to circumstances beyond my control. One could call it fate, luck, or coincidence. I, however, believe the simple fact that every single thing that happened to me in the past year was just meant to happen. To be honest, many of the choices made by me in the past year were made due to lack of alternative options.

So many different things have been thrown at me in the past year. It all reminds me of the softball games I played years ago. Sometimes, I caught the ball and threw it right back. Other times, I missed the ball completely, forcing me to waste time chasing something that at one point was right in front of my face. I should have seen it coming, but I just did not. Unfortunately, there were times where I did not even see it coming at all, and it hit me. It hit me hard. And, just when I thought I would never recover from the damage, I picked myself up and continued to play the game. These reactions all roll into one big metaphor that describes how I've reacted to different events in the past year. Looking back, I see that it does not really matter how I reacted. What matters is that I did react. I made it through. I continued to play the game. In sports terms, I "walked it off"...even when it really, really hurt.

Some of the changes I have noticed in myself are ones that I do not like. I have become withdrawn, anxious, and full of doubt. Oh, how tired I am... I am simply exhausted from the minute I wake up until the late hour that I finally fall asleep. I am tired every minute of the day. I feel like I am 100 years old rather than 21. I never leave the house, unless I'm going to class or doctor. I rarely leave the bed, except to do what I absolutely cannot avoid doing. I have become someone who feels defeated, even though I am fighting it as hard as I possibly can. Where has my energy gone? Where is my spunk? Where is my thirst for adventure? I'm tired of walking up a flight of stairs only to get to the top and feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I'm tired of being dizzy. I'm tired of struggling to stay at a healthy weight. I'm tired of people asking questions, assuming that I have enjoyed watching my body shrink. I'm just so tired... and I feel like nobody will listen to me when I tell them that I am so miserable that I cry myself to sleep the majority of the week. I want to feel like a 21 year old should feel. I wish someone could make this make sense to me. I am willing to do anything to just feel normal, just for one day. I know I'm not crazy. I know that something just is not right. I'm tired of not knowing what that something is.

One year ago, I was preparing to have my gallbladder removed. I was not scared at all, because I thought that it would solve so many of the problems I'd been having with my health. I was sick all the time, and I just knew that this would be the answer to my prayers. But, it was only the beginning. I was so confident and full of hope. I just KNEW that things would look up after that. During the fall semester, I was working hard and had really good grades. Then, I got sick again. I had another surgery, right during finals. It really affected my grades, even though I just KNEW that that would be my semester to shine and show my parents how well I could do. After the semester ended, I decided that I would have a great Christmas break and look forward to doing well in school in the spring. But, Christmas just did not seem right. It was just different. And, it will never be the same again. Right before the spring semester started, my life changed forever with the loss of someone I loved and admire very, very much. I was very sad for quite a long time. I'm still sad. I'll never stop missing his presence in my life and on this earth. Right after this, someone else that I love very much became very sick. I've been praying for his recovery ever since. You see, I thought that 2009 would be my year. Instead, it has become the year that forced me to stop focusing on myself and start thinking about everyone who had always been there for me. And, I have learned a lot about myself by learning about those who mean the most to me. I've learned that sometimes the only thing I can do is pray... so I do.

This year, I learned that love truly can conquer all obstacles. I have seen it happen right before my eyes at my church. Love has been the glue that has held me together in the past year, whether it be love between friends, love of a dream, love of laughter love of memories, love of God, love of family, or love between two people who cannot imagine life without one another. All that matters is that one's heart is open to receive love and return it with no outside motive. It is a cycle that mankind simply cannot exist without.

I have learned that it is okay to be afraid. It is perfectly normal to be confused, angry, or sad. It is okay to wish that things were different. It is okay to feel whatever one wishes to feel. Sometimes, it takes something painful to remind us that we are human, life is short, and that at some point, we will feel the happiness that sits at the opposite end of the spectrum. But, no matter what emotion a person feels he or she is drowning in, that person has to find the strength to just keep fighting. Fight until you just can't fight anymore, then let love carry you the rest of the way. It is all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

In the past year, I have not changed the world. But, the world has changed me.