"With tired eyes, tired minds, and tired souls, we slept."

What is Heaven like?

I've been asking this question since I was a kid. Over the years, I've heard many different descriptions of Heaven, and while I thought they all sounded nice, I wondered if I would be truly happy in a place like the ones they told me about. I decided to learn as much as I could from different sources in hopes that I may find the perfect answer for me out there somewhere. First, I looked at the facts. What do they say about Heaven? According to Wikipedia, Heaven is the physical heavens, the sky or the seemingly endless expanse of the universe beyond. This is the traditional literal meaning of the term in English, however since at least the 11th century, it is typically also used to refer to an afterlife plane of existence (often held to exist in another realm) in various religions and spiritual philosophies, often described as the holiest possible place, accessible by people according to various standards of divinity, goodness, piety, faith etc.

According to CBN.com, a spiritual website, Heaven is where God is. He is the light of heaven, the joy of heaven. As you mature in your understanding of the Bible, you realize there is no material concept of heaven that will do it justice. The Bible talks about streets of gold as clear as crystal and walls made out of precious stones (see Revelation 21:18-21). All sorts of images immediately come to mind when we mention heaven. More than anything else, heaven is a spiritual condition where one spiritual being is in touch with another spiritual being, and there is total communication and fellowship.

The Bible says, "He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying; and there shall be nor more pain, for the former things have passed away" (Revelation 21:3-4)."

I like the idea of no death in Heaven, but I'm just not so sure about the other parts of this description. First of all, how can God wipe tears from their eyes if there is no crying? I cry for all kinds of reasons. When something really hilarious happens, I laugh until I cry. When I am so happy I could burst, I cry. When something touches my heart, I cry. Crying is not always a bad thing. A place without crying sounds like a place with very little emotion. There are no extremes, it seems. Also, I do not ever want "the former things" to pass away. I cherish my memories, my life story, the reason I am the person I am. If these things passed away, who would I be? How could I see my friends and family if I no longer have the memories of my life?

Of course, I have to remember that The Bible (and the articles on the internet) were written, translated, and revised by people who were alive. This, of course, means that they had not yet been to Heaven. So, I decided to talk to my best friend, James Carr. He and I always play this game that we just call "the question game." Tonight, we played our game, but instead of asking random questions, we focused on ones about Heaven. I learned a lot during our conversation. Our question game is very much like an interview, although Jamie and I both ask and answer questions. I read silly interviews all the time in magazines about a celebrity's favorite brand of clothing and other various trivial subjects. I'm going to post an interview that has substance, that can open the eyes of others who have asked or been asked the very same questions.

Haley: What is, in your opinion, the popular idea of what Heaven is?
Jamie: The popular thought of Heaven is overwhelming happiness and golden streets. Right?
Haley: Right. What do you NOT want Heaven to be?
Jamie: I don't want Heaven to be so happy that I lose who I am.
Haley: But, aren't you searching for happiness on earth?
Jamie: Not to the extent of losing myself.
Haley: If you're ever truly happy on Earth, will you lose yourself then?
Jamie: I think it's impossible to be truly happy on Earth. Something is always going to happen to bring you back a little.
Haley: Do you think the idea of being born again sounds more pleasant?
Jamie: Nope. You are completely losing your former life and thoughts. I mean, it's like you never even existed.
Haley: So, what's your ideal Heaven?
Jamie: My ideal Heaven is being in control of myself. If I want to remember life and be sad, I should be able to. I shouldn't have to constantly be happy.
Haley: So, it would make you happy to be able to be sad? In an odd way, wouldn't you be happy to be able to remember your life, even the sad parts?
Jamie: I know it's a contradiction, but sometimes I am happy to be sad. Do you understand?
Haley: Totally.
Jamie: What do you think? What do you want it to be?
Haley: I hope that when I die, I'll wake up in a place where all of my loved ones who have passed are lined up to greet me, to take me in, to let me hear their voice. I want to sit around and laugh with my friends. I want to see everyone look and feel like they did on the best day of their life. I want to watch over those that I left behind. I don't care about clouds or streets of gold, I just want to be with the people I love.
Jamie: What about the first week? Year?
Haley: I don't think Time exists there. Time is an earthly thing, I think. God is bigger than Time.
Jamie: Still.... it IS eternity.
Haley: Plus, I don't think they have watch repair shops or jewelry stores in Heaven.
Jamie: Time isn't the issue. You get annoyed with people all the time.
Haley: Sure, but I might be more patient when I'm dead.
Jamie: Would you not get annoyed EVENTUALLY?
Haley: I don't think Heaven consists of the same thing every day. Maybe your life is YOURS, and you can time travel through your memories. That would be awesome!!!
Jamie: That would be horrible.
Haley: WHAT????
Jamie: You would be all alone. The people would only be memories. It wouldn't be the real people.
Haley: Well, it was a good concept.
Jamie: But you are alone. You might as well be a corpse dreaming. I hope St. Peter isn't like " Well you get to remember forever"
Haley: The more I think about it, the less it makes sense.
Jamie: I hope it's as much like life as possible.
Haley: Oh, definitely.
Jamie: What about baby deaths or mentally retarded people? What would they be like?
Haley: Perfect.
Jamie: Will the baby be older?
Haley: I don't think age exists there. I don't think we look the same there. These are just bodies.
Jamie: See, I don't like that. These are bodies that God made with the sole intention of leaving us here. Until Eve screwed everything up.
Haley: What will our souls look like?
Jamie: My soul better look like me.
Haley: Oh, yeah. Eve really messed up. I think good souls are beautiful. The bad ones are probably repulsive and hideous. Do you think we'll see each other in Heaven?
Jamie: I don't think so. We fight too much. The classic definition of Heaven includes no fighting. Will I love my wife there as much as I did on Earth?
Haley: You'll love her more.
Jamie: What if she passes first and I get a new wife?
Haley: I think your first wife would want you to find happiness again. I mean, there isn't sex in Heaven, I'm pretty sure. I don't think those primal instincts exist there, like jealousy, anger, hunger, sexual urges, or exhaustion.
Jamie: So, I wouldn't be myself, then? That's my fear.
Haley: You'll be the person you really are deep inside, the person that only YOU know. That IS you. Are you afraid of dying?
Jamie: The afterlife scares me, not dying.
Haley: I think we're all scared of the unknown. We spend so much time trying to figure it out. I think it just works out in the end. I hope so, anyway. I have to have hope in something.....anything...
Jamie: Would you be immortal if you had the chance?
Haley: No, no, no.
Jamie: Why?
Haley: Life has been hard on me. I've loved hard. My heart has been broken over and over. I've had to lose so many people that I love. I've been so sick that I just wanted to die. The idea of going through this forever seems more awful than ANY kind of Heaven. Life is a test. I want the reward.
Jamie: That was a good answer.
Haley: Why do you WANT to be immortal?
Jamie: I want to see how far we go. I'll be more than happy to go when the world ends.
Haley: Won't it be scary?
Jamie: No, not at all. It will just be God turning the lights off.

The conversation ended here. And, I could not help but find comfort in the realization that nobody knows what Heaven is like. Some people do not even believe it exists. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "To be great is to be misunderstood." If this is true, then Heaven must be just as beautiful as I've always hoped it would be. I think that on Earth, bad things often happen to good people. But, if these people keep their faith through these hard times, they get to go to a place where good things really do happen to good people. A long time ago, when I was just a kid, I asked Brother Larry what he thought Heaven would be like. He said, "Think about the best day you've ever had. Heaven will be even better than that!" I like that idea.

When Jamie said, "It will just be God turning the lights off", I found myself drawn to that idea. Maybe, after living through the trials and tribulations of life, God just holds us in his palm, turns out the lights, and watches us drift off to sleep. We finally get to rest. Maybe Heaven is just one deep sleep, filled with one wonderful dream after another.

Maybe so.

Unforgettable

Last weekend, I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of one of my dearest friends, Lane. Lane and I met many years ago in ballet class, but became close friends in the sixth grade. From that point on, she has been a significant person in my life. We went through all the pains that come with growing up together. We were there for each other as we experienced the big firsts that come in the teen years: first kiss, first date, first love, first heartbreak, etc. She was always someone that I really did trust, and I can honestly say that she never betrayed that trust. No matter what we were going through, she and I could always find a way to laugh. In fact, 90% of our friendship has been spent laughing, and I would not have it any other way. I could write an entire book full of hilarious stories about silly things that we did. It seems like only yesterday we were riding our bikes to Sno-Biz with our Frankenstein and wolf masks.

Even though it seems like yesterday, it has been almost 10 years. I do not think I truly realized that until I saw Lane walk down the aisle Saturday. She looked happier than I've ever seen her. She was absolutely beautiful. I thought about how patient she had been through the years when it came to dating. She always knew that one day, she would find the man of her dreams. Watching her marry the love of her life is something that I will always remember. I am so glad that I got to be a part of the best day of her life. One of life's greatest gifts is seeing good things happening to good people. It is even better when that good person happens to be very dear to your heart.

Lane and Ray got married at the Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Hoover. The reception was held at B & A Warehouse in Birmingham. Since most of the wedding party got rooms at the Sheraton for the weekend, we were all together for most of the weekend. Friday, we had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Ray made an awesome slide show with pictures that showed them grow from birth to the present day. It was a night of laughter, tears, toasts, and quality time with good friends that I do not get to see often. The food was as wonderful as the company, but the highlight of the night was the toast given by Dr. Mike, Lane's dad. Of course, it made us all cry, but it was clear to everyone just how much he loves his daughter. There was a lot of love in that room that night, and everyone said so many kind things about Lane and Ray. Saturday, we met at the church at about 11 A.M. to do our hair and makeup. We took pictures, ate, had our hair and makeup touched up, and then we waited. The minutes seemed to drag on, but before we knew it, it was time to walk down the aisle! After a beautiful ceremony, my dear friend was officially Mrs. Lane Kulovitz Snead.

The rest of the night was a celebration, and I am almost positive Lane's smile never left her face. After all of the stress, planning, and preparation for her special day, she was finally able to just enjoy the night and soak it all in. After all, she did have to start her first day as a teacher Monday, so I was especially glad to see her be able to not stress over that for just one day. She is going to be a fantastic teacher and an even better wife! Life is good.


Here's to a lifetime of love and laughter :)

(I'll add more pictures later-- promise!)

Daddy & Me at Lane and Ray's reception

letting go.

For the past year, I have done nothing but sit around and think about the terrible luck that I was so sure I had. I have complained about being sick, whined about the bad timing my surgeries had, and question why I had to lose someone I loved so much. I have beat myself up over so many things that, until now, I thought were my fault. I wondered what I could have done differently, where I may have went wrong, and why so many bad things continued to happen to me. I let myself slowly drown in a pool of tears, heartache, and grief. Somewhere along the way, I lost a very important part of myself. I lost my spark, my passion, and my belief that in the end, everything will be just as it is meant to be. I stopped dreaming of my future. Instead, I had dreams about my childhood, a time where every question had an answer.

Today, I went to the doctor. I have gone to him for a long time, and he knows everything that I've been through physically and emotionally. And, after running several tests, he told me that he felt like some of the health issues I've been having recently were caused by stress. He sat down and said, "Who you are now and who you were a year ago are like night and day. You used to be bubbly and happy, and now, you look like you're tied up in knots. I'm worried about you. I want you to be healthy and happy." You know what? He was exactly right. I have been too stressed for too long, and even though I did not know it could, it has really affected my health, personality, image, and relationships. At one point in time, I thought that treating my anxiety meant that I could not handle it myself. Now, I realize that it is perfectly okay to need help sometimes. Treating anxiety does not make me weak. It does, however, make me optimistic that the parts of myself that have been lost in the past year CAN be found again.

It is time for me to learn how to let go. Nobody wants to let go of the things that matter to him/her the most. It is human nature to desire to keep that which makes us most happy. We want our loved ones to always be around. We grow up, learn about ourselves, and decide what we want to be when we grow up. And, at some point in our lives, we realize who really matters to us. I could write a book about all of the people that surrounded me as I grew up, influenced me, loved me, and helped make me who I am today. I would do anything imaginable to protect these people from ever feeling an ounce of pain, illness, or heartbreak. As the years have passed, I have had to say goodbye to some of these people. This year, something crossed my mind that I'd never thought about before. And, I cannot stop thinking about it. I hate thinking that chances are high that I will have to say goodbye to most of these people at some point in my life. I am thinking realistically, which further shows me just how much I have changed. When I look at these people, these wonderful, loving, kind, and generous people, they all look exactly the same as they always have. I guess I forgot that they had birthdays, too. I think I just always believed that they never grew older. If I do write that book I mentioned earlier, I am going to let the readers believe this, too. However, in real life, I have to accept that I am not the one who gets to write their stories. Even though I fear losing them, I have to let go. I am not in control.

Letting go does not mean that I am over it. Letting go does not mean that I no longer care. Letting go just means that I have given up on my mission to do the impossible, which is to change what cannot be changed. Letting go means that I understand that I can only control certain things in life. Letting go makes me feel like I do not have to feel guilty for having really good days, laughing until I cry, or thinking of someone I miss with a smile instead of tears. Letting go is not about winning or losing, fighting or surrendering, or failure and success. Letting go is about growing up and being thankful for all that I have been blessed with during my life.

I have finally found a sense of peace that I have not had for a long time. I am okay. Most of all, I am so very thankful to each person that has brought joy into my life.

"We find by losing. We hold fast by letting go. We become something new by ceasing to be something old. This seems to be close to the heart of that mystery. I know no more now than I ever did about the far side of death as the last letting-go of all, but now I know that I do not need to know, and that I do not need to be afraid of not knowing. God knows. That is all that matters." Frederick Buechner

08.01.09