For a long time, I've been thinking a lot about religion and what it means to me. See, I don't go to church every Sunday. I'm doing good to go once every three months. To a lot of people, this makes me a person who is not very religious. I would like to have a chance to explain how I feel about this.
On all of these weekends that I do not go to church, I'm often traveling to Tuscaloosa, Auburn, or Talladega to see my friends. Maybe this sounds trivial, and maybe church should come first, but these people mean the world to me. Sometimes, this stress gets to me, and I get down. I'm not a depressing person, like one personsaid in a comment he/she left to me. I'm just normal, and normal people can't be happy all of the time. If they say that they are, chances are high that they're not telling you the truth. I worry about money, and how I need to find a job that will work around my schedule. Also, I want to still have time to spend with my boyfriend and my friends. I know, the job should come first, but I'm going to be honest and say that it doesn't. I would be miserable working a job that never allowed me to see the people that mean so much to me. This includes my parents, who I feel like I never get to spend time with due to conflicts in my schedule AND theirs. I'm stressed about school, because I've busted my tail to make good grades this semester and I hope that my final grades reflect the hard work I have put into this semester. For the first time in a long time, I am proud of myself. No, I'm not full of myself... not even close. This is where God comes in.
Last year, when I struggled with many decisions, both good and bad, and the outcomes of these decisions, I felt like my world was caving in. For so long, all I had wanted was to graduate high school and get out of my parent's house so that I could finally be in charge of my own fate. The thing that I did not realize was that I had, indeed, been in charge of my fate for my entire life. Even when I went to church every Sunday with my parents, I never thought that life would be easier if I could just admit that I did not want to be in charge. Some people are meant to be leaders and guide themselves down whatever road they wish. I, however, am not one of those people. At the end of my spring semester one year ago, I wrote a letter to myself and saved it on the computer. I'm not going to post this, because it's too personal, but in the letter, I told myself that it was time to turn to God. I desperately needed to put my fate and my life in his hands and see where he would take me. It's hard to give up control, really, and I battled with this choice all summer. I made a big deal over something that I knew I should have done all along. I gave my life to God, and since then, I have felt like I am exactly where I need to be. I made the decision to come back to Jacksonville, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself at the time. I have made myself believe in my abilities again, because I was convinced that I had no talents, and that I'd never make a difference to anyone. I have finally reached a point where I'm able to stop beating myself up for a choice that I made that I will never be able to change. I no longer think that I am a bad person, no matter what some people may believe. God put me through these trials so that I would be able to grow stronger as a person, a friend, a writer, and a BELIEVER in Him. I have always questioned his existance, and wondered if we, as Christians, are really RIGHT. What I've learned is that you cannot lump all Christians together. You cannot assume that all white people are the same, or black people, people who get divorces, people who have children out of wedlock, high school dropouts, those who choose not to go to college, homeless, alcoholics ,teachers, blondes, homosexuals, or anyone who chooses to just be different. We're all just people. We were all put here because God chose to put us here. We are the way we are for a reason, and not one of us has the authority to judge who is better, worse, right, or wrong. This is the God I choose to believe in. This is the God that I trust with my fate. This God does not love me less because I do not choose to worship in his house every Sunday. This God listens to me at all hours of the day or night when I need to talk to Him. This God answers me in ways that I do not expect at times when I'm convinced He has forgotton me. This God surrounded me with friends, family, and love. This God knew that these things would help me get through anything that I struggle with.
Now, if this is not the God that you believe in, that's okay, too. The beauty of religion is that there is no right or wrong. What is right for me may not be right for you. I believe that the main idea that one needs to grasp in order to be close to God is the fact that WE ARE NOT IN CHARGE, HE IS. I know this now. I embrace this, even.
It still hurts sometimes when people assume that I am not close to God because of things that I have done in the past, or even things that I continue to do now. I think that anyone who believes that they know what makes God love you is foolish. I don't think that you have to follow certain guidelines in order to "make" God love you. I know that He put me here for a reason. I know that I have a purpose. And, every day when I wake up, I wonder if that will be the day that my purpose and/or reason is exposed to me. I am open to His signs and suggestions, and I know that when I'm meant to, I'll find it. For all I know, I could have found it already.
I urge you to think about this the next time you catch yourself looking down on someone because they don't attend church as much as you do. This doesn't mean you're any closer to God or heaven than they are. I do not have to leave my own house to appreciate God, talk to him, or hear all of the great things he has given us. I look outside, and I see the beauty of the world that he made. I hear my phone ring, and it's someone who means a great deal to me calling to check on me, and I remember how He gave us the ability to love. I barely dodge a wreck when I'm driving to class, and I think of those who are watching over me. I eat dinner, and I thank Him for providing me with parents who love me enough to make sure I have money for groceries. I look over at Kyle and remember all the trials we have gone through together, and I thank God for putting him in my life so that I didn't go through these trials alone. I see the wheelchair ramps outside of the library, and I am thankful that I am able to walk. I read things that I wrote in November of 2006, and I'm so glad that God was holding my hand when I did not think that I could go on. I talk to our family friend Gail on the phone, and remember that she has always loved me NO MATTER WHAT, and God put her in my life for a reason. I dream of doing big things in the future, not only in my name, but in His, as well.
I always said that every time I thought I was so far down that I wanted to give up, something lifted me off of the ground and put me back on my feet. I know what that "something" is now, and that means everything to me.
Love,
Haley
