Untitled.

Remember, Remember,

time spent in November.

We circled around the fire
Our eyes couldn't stay dry.

Hair blowing in the wind,

our love for this we will defend.

Younger than now, this is the past.

Oh, how we thought it would always last.

No reason to hurry, no reason to wait.

On time for nothing, except for fate.

We had to grow older, we couldn't run away.

If only, if only, we could go back to that day.

The day we didn't worry, the day we didn't cry

We knew all the secrets, no one had to pry.

Hands together, hearts within hearts

We played the game with the best hand of cards.

All that glitters is meant to be gold.

But, what do they say about growing old?

Does the laughter diminish, is it quiet all around?

Do we only see each other when we go back to town?

Lives like a sitcom, it was never a bore

We wondered what the future had in store

We'd laugh together for the rest of our lives

We'll wait for the weekend, and take the drive.

Never forgetting the way that we felt

The problems that came and how we dealt

The issues that made the boys act like men

On each other we knew we could depend

What about the funerals we had to attend?

Trying not to cry, attempting to pretend

that it wasn't scary, and we could make it through

Who will be next? What if it's you?

We questioned the way we'd lived and loved

And if it would ever be enough

Will we have regrets when we're old and gray?

Will we stop to appreciate today, today?

Looking forward at tomorrow, and back and yesterday

These are the words that we all want to say

Remember, remember, the trips that we took

and how the police let us off of the hook =]

How free we felt laying in the sand

feet in the water, beer in our hand

Tanned legs and bright smiles

on beaches that went on for miles and miles

The nights we spent laughing at Seth & Phil's

Or the times we were fighting, our for the kill

The "hey's" we yelled when someone opened the door

I never wanted anything more.

Just wanted to remind you that I won't forget

The way it felt to take the hit

and who I called then, and who called me back

to talk to me about what I might lack.

I'm still here if you need me, just give me a ring

I'll find where you are, and everyone else I will bring

We'll sit, talk and remember, remember...

the way we felt that November.

what I learned on the worst day of my life

I wrote this on November 28, 2006. It was one of the worst days of my life, and I really learned a lot about strength, patience, and just how far you can push yourself to go. =]



Today was difficult for me. Although many may think they understand why it was hard, most cannot and never will. It is a unique experience for everyone who takes the path I have and all who are touched on the way. I am thankful, however, to have learned a few things in my journey that has currently reached a new point. I've met many people whom without I would not have reached and surpassed the obstacles that I've come across so far. Thank you all for being amazing. I am so very glad to have you all in my life. I figured out today that if something did happen, I'd be okay. I'd be okay with the life I've had so far. Don't take this as me saying I'd like to give up on life, because that's far from the point I'm making. It's just that everyone reaches a certain point during the transition from childhood to adulthood where you understand that life is not guaranteed. In fact, nothing at all is guaranteed. Friendship is not. Love is not. Jobs are not. Money is not. Happiness is not. Health is not. None of these things MUST be given to us. But, I've had all of these. And, as of today, the simple fact that I've had these things at least once in the short 19 years I've been here is enough. This feeling of satisfaction is new. Every feeling I've had today was new because I'd never felt it under such circumstances. Less than favorable things are always going to happen and these are nothing short of chances to expand your heart. I'm questioning God and instead of knowing that I won't recieve answers, I'm waiting on them. Patiently. My heart is growing. My outlook is altered. I'm growing and learning and doing both because I want to. I need to.
I'm calling in my soul to come and see.

4:41 AM

I found this... I wrote it early in the morning at a time when I was very hurt and very angry. I'm not a generally bitter person, and this is all in the past. I just liked it, I liked the overall tone of it, as well as the message. I was upset, hurt, and in despair. I just wanted to give my feelings out there. Here it is.

4:41 AM
You're everywhere I go.
Walking fast, walking slow.
Eyes still damp from the night before.
Just when it hurts less, it then hurts more.
Tearing away the photographs
All reminders of the past
Just like lightening, in a flash
It hits the wall. It makes a crash.
Breathing in, breathing out
As soon as I'm with you, I'm then without.
Shake my hand and wipe my tears
It's always blurry, never clear.
He stands in the way of the memories
I know he doesn't care, I know he doesn't see.
He can't hurt me because you've done it all
It doesn't matter if they push me until I fall.
Because of you I stand on my own
Because of you I know I've grown.
Because of you I can't feel pain.
Because of you I hear the rain.
Not needing you doesn't make me empty
It makes me feel a bit more pretty.
I pretend to him and act like I care.
He doesn't know my heart is barely even there.
I know he won't make me cry.
He really doesn't care, it's do or die.
Meaningless moments fly away
Same old nothing every day.
I don't seem to mind if I hurt anyone's feelings
Why should I care if it's a friendship I'm killing?
You turned me into someone so very cold.
For us to be so young, it's all very old.
I really don't care if your life is fine.
I would rather be alone than for you to be mine.
I've completely washed my hands of you.
I'm not lying like you would, it's all very true.
Keep telling your stories, I'm not impressed.
I talk about you behind your back, like all the rest.
I'm living my life just how I want.
If you wanted to come back, I'd tell you, "don't"

Practically Perfect

I've always ranked my value in accordance to what my hopes and dreams are worth, and if I ever have a chance of accomplishing them. If I accept the value that I would receive in doing this method, I would not be worth very much.

I've always been a big dreamer. When you grow up hearing corny things like "reach for the stars" and "you can be whatever you want to be", you almost catch yourself believing all of it.

I always hear my professors talk about being "practical", making reasonable goals, knowing what you CAN do. When did it all change? I thought I could be whatever I wanted. Suddenly, someone is telling me to be practical! To LIMIT myself? Make goals, children, but please... be reasonable. You wouldn't want to have to work hard for anything. After all, a goal IS something that you can EASILY reach, right? When did it become silly to dream? To hope? To have faith in something that isn't so practical? If the world were rid of dreamers, we'd have no movies to look forward to seeing, and no books to read when then world is raining. Nothing to pass the time while we're sleeping. No new ideas. No new inventions. No charities, as they all start from nothing and only dream of making a difference. World peace? Bah. Forget it. Stop dreaming. Be reasonable. Be practical. Isn't that what they're telling us to do?

So, here I am, wondering what I'm worth. When I'm thinking reasonably, I'm almost 20. I'm only halfway through college, and that's just to a bachelor's degree. I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, and most of my talents are useless to the working world. I'm flawed. I have a temper. I may not ever mean much to anyone. I'm sick a lot. I cry too often. I have bad hair days. I'm just a girl who will never matter to the world as a whole. Because, I'm doing what they say. I'm thinking reasonably. I'm being... practical.

When I let my mind wander, however, I dream of how my love for writing could lead me to adventures in life. I could write a book who could change the lives (even for a minute) of anyone who read it. I could go on to law school! I could be successful. I'll stop getting sick so often. I won't have a reason to cry as much, because my heart won't be empty! I'll feel love and never be without it. I'll have the best hair day ever on a day when I need it! =] Someone will think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. I'll be a dreamer who is perfectly okay with being just that.

I should re-evaluate the way I rate myself.

...as if you wondered why.

I've had to do a lot of thinking lately. I've been pushed by friends to make certain decisions, and although I know that they only want the best for me, I've come to find that the "best" for me is whatever it is that makes me happy.

What does make me happy? Is it a bright future with money and prestige? Or, is it days spent laughing, loving, and making memories? See, I know that no matter what, I have the abilities to go out and get the things I want in life myself. I do not have to rely on who I end up with to do these things for me. I'm not looking to be a housewife. I know that I have talents that were only given to me so that I'd use them to benefit myself and all of the people who will be in my future. As long as the person I end up with is happy with himself, and does not rely on me to provide for him, then I am fine. I know that one day, money will not be an object for me because of the profession I will most likely enter.

But, there will be years where I struggle. And, as I'm sure you've already figured out, the real lesson is in the struggle, not the victory. When you reach the end result, that means that it's all over. I'm not ready for it to be over. As long as you can have the things you need, the things that you want are just at arm's length. So, don't judge me, please, for doing all of the senseless things that I do.

Maybe you think they have defined me.... but I think that they've only pushed me to define myself. So, what am I? I'm an all too liberal, bossy, big-hearted, scared (in the most fearless way possible) chance taker who loves photographs, babies, puppies, and bad reality TV. I make mistakes (often), but learn from them (most of the time). I'm too random for some people, too snotty for others. I try to not be judgemental, but I am, and I've accepted it, but am still making an effort. I ask questions that aren't important, and I always want my answer. I'll push you away when I need you the most, and I'll still hate you for leaving, even though I acted as if that's what I wanted you to do. I listen to music too loud, and make the most random CD's known to man, but I love it blasting with the wind in my hair. I have too much fun, and wouldn't have it any other way. I can have a conversation about anything, and do this in the most innappropriate times possible. I take too many pictures, and I want to leave behind a legacy of someone who just loved to laugh. I really do believe that my friends are the best in the world, and they've been my lifeline more than they'll ever be aware of. Sometimes I disappoint them, and sometimes I disappoint myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve even though I'm warned against it, but still hold back at the one perfect moment when I should speak up. I am human. This is what I am, and in all it's flaws... I think I'm pretty fabulous. And, you know what? You should, too. =]

It set me free... =]

I have finally found out what it means to just let go. It seems to me that for all of my life, I believed in love for all the wrong reasons. I thought that by knowing everything about someone, you would also grow to love everything about that person. This, however, is not so. I feel like I've been cheated out of so much, because by giving so much of myself to someone for so long, I will not be able to get any of it back, and therefore will not be able to give these things to someone who may deserve it more. By giving my heart away, I took the chance that it would be mistreated. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything, and I will not do that. That is not the point of this. I just hate that I'm so full of regret, because I never wanted to feel that way. I know that everything happens for a reason, but even though I have searched for so long for THIS reason, I cannot find it. I simply can't comprehend any reason why it would be okay to waste so much time on someone who does not deserve it. Maybe I am being foolish, I know that regretting something that is over will not change it. I am okay with leaving it all in the past and never thinking of it again, and maybe that is what really bothers me. I never thought I would reach the day where I just did not care, and here I am, and I mean it so very much. The biggest risk that I've had to take in my life so far is the one I am taking now by just forgetting it ever happened. It did not make me a better person, I am pretty positive of that. Maybe it made me stronger, but as far as I can see... it made me feel weaker than I ever should have to feel. So, why remember it? It was good, and then it was bad, and then it was over. What is left to say? I want to take risks with someone... and I am. And, do you know what? It's pretty amazing to not be scared every day that you're putting yourself out there just so you can get hurt. To love for the right reasons... the reasons that you do not have to explain to yourself, only because you can't, and you feel no need to. It just feels...right, not forced. Maybe that is what I was meant to learn from everything else... there is a difference is what is and what should be. Without having learned all of the things that I do not want, I would have never learned what it is that I really do want, and can get if I just let go and open my eyes to both the things I want to see and the things that I do not. I cannot always turn my head when life doesn't look pretty, and as hard as it is, it is usually the unpleasant things that I learn the most about myself from. Should I thank him? Love him? Hate him? Remember him? Or... just forget he was ever there? As crazy as it is, it just doesn't matter anymore. I know what I feel, and it does not match what everyone else feels. All of the answers that I kept asking have just had a way of answering themselves and I'm perfectly alright with that. When it comes down to it, the more of the ugly and bad parts of life you see... the more beautiful the good parts of life look. And, when you think about it, isn't that what really matters? When it's good, let it be wonderful... and when it's bad, let it go.I lost everything... and it set me free.

My New Year's Resolution

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

If I was trash to you in the year before, perhaps I'll be treasured by someone else this year.

If I forgot to tell you how much I love you, I want you to know that I always have.

If I neglected you as a friend, I promise to put more effort into it.

If I said things that I should not have said, I vow to think just a little bit longer before I speak.

If I gave you a chance when you didn't deserve it, I swear to never do it again.

If I regretted being around you, I will stay further away.

If there are things you wish to say to me, I promise to listen.

I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions, because I never keep them. However, this year, I vow to take more time to myself, resulting in a person who feels better about herself. If I was only a great friend 95% of the time, I'm pushing for 100%. I will not let someone take advantage of me and/or my feelings. I will NOT let someone back into my life that did not deserve to be there in the first place. If you didn't give a damn about me in 2007, I'm leaving you behind. It's time to grow up. It's time to move forward, and not in the baby-steps fashion that I'm in the habit of. It's time. It's time to really let go.

Here's to the new year....





Happy 2008!

Why am I doing this?

All I'm here to do is write. It's my passion. It's my joy. One day, it will be my job. I would love feedback from anyone, most of this is on Myspace already and although I love the comments received there, I would enjoy any I get anonymously as well. I will even take negative feedback, because it can be used constructively. This will only help me in the future. Thanks, y'all. Have a great day! =]