Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Ratfaces and Vertigo



The following is a list of things I've done in the past two weeks:
1. Went to doctor
2. Found out that my "cold" was really the flu.
3. Wrote 2 extremely long papers.
4. Stayed awake for four days straight....seriously. I was too sick and stressed to sleep.
5. Took finals
6. Ratface came to visit
7. Went to hospital
8. Found out that I had Vertigo
9. Spent 6 hours with Rat and Russ in the hospital
10. got VERY large shot in hip
11. woke up with no recollection of going home
12. took Shakespeare final the next morning
13. Rode to Nashville with Ratface and Russell
14. Wrote this.

My life is not exciting.

Credit to Ratface for the embarrassing photos. He's soooooo funny...NOT! :) Kidding!

The medicine seems to help with the vertigo. My ears still pop and feel stopped up a lot, and my vision is still blurry sometimes, but the dizziness is better. Any improvement is a plus!

I'll update again soon.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Critical Essay: "Thomas Hardy and the Impersonal Lyric" critique

Thomas Hardy: Impersonal or Personally Pessimistic?

Romantic poets display a variety of distinguishable characteristics. Just as the characteristics of Romantic works are varied, so are the personalities of Romantic poets. This seems reasonable when one considers the main idea behind Romantic poetry, which is the strong emphasis on feeling and emotion. Romantic poets rely largely on the idea of imagination, while also believing in the power of one’s own intuition. Many readers today feel that Romantic authors were fueled by a dislike for social order, as many of their works are built around the feeling that comes with freedom from rules. Romantic poems often showcase a love of beauty and nature. The experiences had by Romantic poets involving this love of beauty and nature are expressed in their works. Many critics believe that one’s account of an experience has more validity if it is written during the actual experience. For example, William Wordsworth is infamous for his accounts of experiences in nature, which were composed during the actual experience. Thomas Hardy’s works were not written about whatever event was occurring at the moment. Instead, Hardy’s works were the result of the understanding of an event after the event took place. Susan M. Miller’s critique of Thomas Hardy, titled, “Thomas Hardy and the impersonal lyric”, expresses her belief that Thomas Hardy’s poems are anti-Romantic. She sees Hardy’s works as expressions of his ideas rather than expressions of his emotions. While many Romantic poets obviously focused on one’s own experience, Miller feels that Hardy focused more on knowledge and understanding. She feels that when one’s understanding of an event happens after the event occurs, rather than as the event is occurring, it forces one to distance his or herself from the event. This, Miller explains, causes the event to become a psychological burden, making it difficult for one to recognize the meaning of the event at hand. Thomas Hardy would disagree with Miller’s opinion of understanding. He believed that any new understanding of an event was relative to one’s feeling about that particular event. In Hardy’s opinion, the fact that one understood an event was far more important than when the act of understanding took place. Miller’s view of Hardy’s emphasis of understanding is the reason she describes him as anti-Romantic. Hardy lived a life full of disappointments, and this led him to believe in fate. He uses the idea of fate in each of his works, which explains why most of his poems ended with a tone of disappointment. A poet writes of the world as he or she sees it, and through the eyes of Thomas Hardy, the world was a dreary place. While he may not have the traditional optimistic view of a Romantic poet, he does focus on feeling. His skeptical view of the world was not the result of a psychological burden, as Miller states. Instead, one could say that Hardy had a skeptical view of life because he felt that the world was cruel and unfair. He may not have focused on the same feelings as other Romantic poets, but that does not make Hardy anti-Romantic. His feelings were altered by the experiences he had during his own life. Without the experiences of his own life, he would not have the particular feelings about the world that he expressed in each of his works.

Miller’s first explanation of her belief that Hardy is anti-Romantic concerns Hardy’s perception of experience. She writes, “It is rather in the opportunity poetry gives us to view the shape of life from a less immediate vantage: to perceive the structure of human experience with
what Auden called a “hawk’s vision” — a perspective that exchanges immediacy for scope.” (Miller 96) Miller uses a poem by Hardy, titled “Your Last Drive”, as an example of his retrospective perception. In this poem, Hardy expresses his feeling that the true importance of a particular moment is not revealed through any point of view. This poem is coated in the heavy despair that Hardy felt about this event, and it is clear to readers that this anguish had been with him for quite a while. This poem was written about his first wife, from whom he was estranged. Her death made a huge impact on Hardy, as he regretted waiting until her death to realize how much he loved her. Hardy believed that no moment can ever reveal its true importance. One cannot possibly realize how much an event will change his or her life until he or she has had the opportunity to experience the feelings that come with the understanding of the event. In “Your Last Drive”, Hardy expresses what he believes his wife would have been thinking during her last drive if he had been in the car with her. He describes her thoughts in the last two lines of the poem, which state, “I go hence soon to my resting-place; you may miss me then.” In response to this poem, Miller writes, “The poem with its piling up of negations mocks the very idea that experience, lived moment by moment, might be other than inscrutable.” She believes that Hardy’s intended use of this poem was to ridicule the idea that any experience lived at the moment it occurs could possibly make legitimate sense. Miller’s response seems harsh when one considers the fact that Hardy was writing about someone who actually existed. This woman was someone that he truly loved, and his strong emotions towards this woman and her death sparked his imagination. He imagined the woman he loved taking one last drive. Then, Hardy thought about what could have been going through the mind of his wife during this drive. He continued to explore this thought by imagining what it would have been like if he were in the car with her during her last drive. In the end, he realized that either way, she would have been thinking the same thing. While Miller believes this is just another poem by Hardy that ends in disappointment, one could argue that the tone at the end of the poem is one of content and relief. Instead of regretting the fact that he was not with her, he realizes that his wife would have died regardless. He seems to be giving himself reason to let go of remorse and guilt. If Hardy had never had this idea, the weight of his guilt may have never been lifted. This does not fit well with Miller’s “psychological burden” theory.

Next, Miller discusses how little benefit hindsight gives to the readers of Hardy’s poems. She writes, “Rather than body out a world of “abundant recompense” that might hope to redeem past losses in a present gain of wisdom, Hardy emphasizes instead the tragic lateness of all
knowledge, so that the wisdom won through retrospection is less often a gift than a torment.” (Miller 98) By pointing out what she sees to be a flaw of Hardy’s, Miller actually admits that Hardy did not seem to focus on what his readers would learn from his poetry. Instead, he focused on thoughts that were products of his own feelings. He makes it clear that this poem was nothing more than a mere thought of his, a simple product of his own imagination. For someone described as anti-Romantic, Hardy seems to display quite a few Romantic characteristics in this poem. He does present, in this poem, the idea that one of life’s greatest tragedies is the fact that a true understanding of an event usually comes long after the event occurred. He recognizes that regret does exist in the mind of any person who has dealt with a great loss. Hardy is a man that has been broken by the ways of fate, and it is only natural that he felt the way he did. “The Last Drive” was only written by Hardy because of the regret he had concerning the death of his first wife. Charles Baudelaire said, "Romanticism is precisely situated neither in choice of subject, nor exact truth, but in a way of feeling." Hardy was not writing about his wife’s death. He was expressing his feelings about her death.

Miller discusses another poem by Hardy titled “Neutral Tones” to further explain her belief that he is anti-Romantic. She says, “Something about the plot structure is hypothetical or self-negating, so that the situation the poem describes announces itself as impossible — a drama that can be understood only as an experiment of the imagination and not as a lived experience.” (Miller 102) It seems odd she would describe an author that she believes is anti-Romantic in this particular way. A characteristic of a Romantic piece of work is the use of imagination. Another common theme in Romantic poetry is intuition, a description that could easily be twisted to mean something as negative as a phrase like “self-negating.” Hardy’s presentation of two opposite views in “Neutral Tones” is proof that he knew that there was more than one possible way to view an experience. If this poem portrays one point of view as being more valid than another, it is because he feels this way. He is, yet again, expressing a feeling. Just because Hardy’s feelings are quite different than Wordsworth’s does not mean that they are not valid feelings. Romantic works were based on feelings, and while most of these feelings were positive, it cannot be argued that negative feelings do exist. Hardy happened to present a more pessimistic way of thinking, which would lead to thoughts that were more likely to be negative than positive.
Thomas Hardy was a man who lived a tragic life. He knew the evil that existed in the world. He also knew that wonderful things existed, such as imagination, solitude, possibilities, experience, and feelings. He knew that completely irrational thoughts and ideas existed, but that these thoughts could one day make sense. This understanding could come at any point later in life, and whenever this happened, it would change how a person felt about life forever. The more one understands something, especially something tragic, the more real the event feels. While many people choose to walk through life blindly in order to protect themselves from feelings like remorse or guilt, Hardy faced his demons. Like most Romantic poets, Hardy was against the ideas of conformity and rules. As a result, he dared to break the rules. He felt sad, so he wrote sad poems. He knew the harsh reality of life, and he did not attempt to hide this in his poetry. Most importantly, Hardy allowed his poetry to take his experiences places that reality did not. Regardless of how the poem ended, at some point in it, Hardy placed the possibility of a different ending. He knew that life’s most important lessons were found in the journey, not the destination. The road is long, and in many cases, very rough. The possibilities are endless. In fact, in the end, the journey was the destination. To some, this may seem irrational. To Hardy, this may have taken 10 years to truly understand. Either way, it is far from being anti-Romantic.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I actually enjoyed writing this position paper!

Dickens, Charles. Hard Times. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1996.

When I hear Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine,” I think of Charles Dickens’ Hard Times. The first character who speaks in this novel is Mr. Gradgrind, who has just established a school. The book opens by him saying, “Now, what I want is, Facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts. Facts alone are wanted in life.” (Pg. 7) Gradgrind speaks in a mechanized manner, and his thoughts and actions are only of rational things. Gradgrind raises his own children in the same manner in which he wants to run his school. “Welcome to the Machine” begins with the line, “Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.” When I hear this, I picture Gradgrind standing in front of his school with open arms, ready to teach children the right way to live. The next line of “Welcome to the Machine” asks, “Where have you been?” This question is answered by the following line, which says, “It’s alright we know where you’ve been.” The question is both asked by someone who already knew the answer. Gradgrind uses this approach to show students an example of the right way to think. In the second chapter of Hard Times, Gradgrind asks two students for a definition of a horse. One student, Sissy Jupe, is unable to give a definition of a horse. Gradgrind ridicules her by saying, “Girl number twenty possessed of no facts in reference to one of the commonest of animals!” (9) Blitzer, the other student Gradgrind asked to give a definition, replied by listing facts about horses. This pleased Gradgrind, who then said, “Now, girl number twenty, you know what a horse is.” Clearly, Gradgrind knew that Sissy would not be able to answer his question. He only asked her in order to prove a point.

Since Gradgrind thinks of nothing other than facts, he does not have time for things that are fun or silly. In his mind, every single thing should make sense. There is no need for entertainment, according to Gradgrind. He says, “You must discard the word Fancy altogether. You have nothing to do with it.” He becomes very angry with his children in the third chapter of the novel when he catches them observing a circus through a hole in a fence. Circuses are not logical, nor do they serve a valid purpose. Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine” also addresses the idea of discarding fancy. The third and fourth lines read, “You’ve been in the pipeline, filling in time, provided with toys and Scouting for Boys.” Scouting for Boys is a book that was written by Robert Baden-Powell. It addresses many topics on how to act like a good citizen, including the idea that masturbation led to idiocy. Baden-Powell also suggested that men only had a certain amount of sperm, just as women only had a certain number of eggs. Just as Gradgrind uses facts to make sense of everything that he does not approve of, Baden-Powell creates a theory that makes his disapproval of masturbation seem logical.

The second half of Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine” addresses the act of dreaming. Lines eleven and twelve state, “What did you dream? It’s alright we told you what to dream.” Again, a question is asked and answered by the same source. Dreams are sacred. They are one of the few things that are truly personal. They are the product of one’s imagination, feelings, and lingering thoughts. Gradgrind wanted to remove these things from his students. He wanted them to believe that facts are facts, and anything that is not fact is not important. If a child is taught to only go by what is factual, and told to discard his or her imagination, the child’s dreams may just be a set of facts replaying over and over again.

The remaining lines of “Welcome to the machine” use the word “he” in place of “you.” These lines speak of the mysterious “he” driving a jaguar, eating steak at a restaurant, and playing guitar. However, the song ends with, “Welcome to the machine.” The person that drove the fancy car, ate at the expensive restaurant, and played a musical instrument for pleasure is part of the past. Even though fun did exist at some point, it was no longer of importance. The repetition of the line, “Welcome to the Machine” seem to say that there is no other option. Dickens wrote this novel in response the industrialization in England. He was disgusted by the way the government treated human beings as machines. Since the government was the source of power, it could be called the machine. Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine” and Dickens’ Hard Times both present an opposing view to this idea.

"Don't ever let life pass you by..."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

fairest of ten thousand to my soul...

It did not rain today. I did not cry. We had a beautiful Easter service, and the church was packed full. It was so good to hear everyone laugh again. We honored Brother Larry's memory by decorating the church with beautiful lilies. He loved the song "Lily of the Valley." Miss Ann looked beautiful, as always. It was wonderful to see her smiling! Samantha sang in the choir today, and I know that Brother Larry would have been so proud of her. I was in Miss Ann's class when Samantha was born, and now she's as tall as I am. She's very beautiful, and she looks so much like Neva did when she was younger. Of course, Josh was precious, as he always is. He was wearing the cutest little suit! They're such a strong family, and they love our church just as much as Brother Larry always did. They mean so much to all of us.

Yes, this Easter was much different than any other I've ever had, but I'm okay. Things change, and all that we can do is just roll with it. Everything is going to be okay. No matter what happens, we will all see each other again. I really do believe that. It's going to be quite the celebration! :)

"He will never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His blessed will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessed face,
Where rivers of delight shall ever roll...."

Happy Easter to all of you!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

rainy skies and the girl who cries



This morning, I stepped out of my door at 9:45 A.M. My English Novel class started at 10 A.M., and I really did not want to be late. The second I stepped off of my porch, it started to rain. I ran to the car, cranked it up, and proceeded to back into the trashcan, which the garbage truck workers so kindly left in the middle of my driveway. I did not get out to pick up the disgusting garbage can. The only reason I was even rushing for time was because I spent too long getting ready. I was not going to destroy my hair to pick up something gross in the rain. So, I left it in the middle of the street. I drove through a small monsoon to get to The Stone Center, which has, sadly, turned into my second home. Then, I ran in three inch satin heels and a new red dress while carrying my extremely large purse, two notebooks, and an umbrella. When I finally got to the door, I awkwardly closed the umbrella. I'm really terrible with umbrellas in general. I remembered my mom giving me that particular umbrella at Brother Larry's funeral.

We talked about religious issues today in class. We're reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce. Stephen, the main character, was raised in a strict Catholic school. He listened to countless sermons about the horrors of Hell, and he thought had to follow a strict set of rules if he did not want to end up in Hell. Our class discussed this for a long time, and I was shocked to see that some of my classmates had also heard many sermons like the ones in the novel. They were taught to fear God. They talked about how this turned them away from religion in general, and I could understand why it would. I almost felt guilty, because I never had to hear sermons like that. Brother Larry always focused on what we SHOULD do, rather than what we should NOT do. He taught us to love others, to be accepting of all types of people, and to reach out and help those who need us. I heard so many sermons about Heaven, all of which I remember very well. However, I do not recall any sermon that was focused on Hell. I learned to believe in a forgiving and gracious God. God is love. God is good. I wish that some of these people could have heard Brother Larry preach. I wish that I'd realized earlier how lucky I really was. I looked out the window, and to my surprise, the sun had come through the clouds. The rain was almost gone.

I walked out of class with a friend that I've had several courses with at JSU. He is a very considerate, thoughtful, and kind person. He is also a pastor, a husband, and a father. We talked about a classmate of ours that passed away this week from a heart attack. We talked about how Easter was going to be difficult this year. His wife is about to have a baby after a long period of time on bed rest. He has been exhausted, but still, he had time to show kindness to someone else. He said he'd keep me in his prayers, and I don't know if he'll ever realize how much I needed that. I hope that God blesses his wife with a safe and easy delivery, as well as a healthy baby!

Russell and I drove to Talladega, where we managed to go through 13 monsoons and one large hailstorm. We went to the Good Friday service at my church. There were not many people there, but I understand how hard it is. It's just too emotional. We've never done this without Brother Larry. Everything is different. Everyone just looks tired. The rain continued. The choir opened with "Were You There?" I cried. I just miss hearing him laugh. I miss everything. Russell got a peppermint out of his pocket, and I just lost it again. Usually, I'd just throw my hand back, and Uncle Randall would put a peppermint in it. He did not sit behind me today. For 21 years, he's been sitting behind me in church. His seat is empty now. I don't want him to be sick anymore. Leave him alone, cancer... leave all of us alone. It's not the peppermints that I need. I need everything to go back to the way it was. It was perfect. None of these people deserve to hurt the way that they do. None of them ever deserve to feel one ounce of pain.

I've cried every single day since January 06, 2009. If this keeps up, I'll drown in the tears.