december 2009 photographs

lazy afternoon at the lake house

Lesia's Surprise Party- 70's style :)

Darla Magillicutty and Skip Fondue

(me & jamie)

He was singing, I'm sure! Haha!

more to come.........

12.21.09

twitter.com/HLT4BAMA

New canvas. New year. New me.

December is my favorite month. Each December, I find comfort in the knowing that a new year is right around the corner. The idea of a fresh start has always brought to me a type of relief that I have been unable to find elsewhere. Because it is so wonderful and rare, I truly cherish the concept of starting over, and am incredibly thankful each year when December arrives with this extraordinary gift. Naturally, the gift of starting over is far more complicated than the rest of the presents I am given each December, as it requires more time to unwrap, more patience to understand, and more effort to use effectively than the others. Because this gift is completely invisible and lacks an instruction booklet, I have only learned how to truly start over by many years of trial and error. As a 22 year old woman, I am no expert on how to effectively do anything, especially something as complicated as an entirely fresh start. However, I do feel like I know much more about this concept than I ever thought I would. Each December, I focus on what I'd like to change about myself in the year to come. This has not worked for me, though, because I spend each year trying to correct the mistakes made in the year before, which totally defeats the purpose of a fresh start. This December, I hope to focus on all of the parts of myself that I want to leave behind in 2009. I want to begin 2010 with a clean slate, carrying with me only the parts of me that I love. If I want to be happy in 2010, I cannot begin the year surrounded by the unhappiness that came with 2009. I must forgive, forget, and move on. What I have done defines the person I am, but it does not define the person that I will become.

Although many claim to be quick to forgive, one cannot deny the extreme level of difficulty that human beings generally have with  forgiveness. Anger comes to us easily. Hatred is easy. Bitterness is easy. Regret comes naturally, even if we fight it. Fear is easy. In fact, every single negative emotion had by the human race comes without any effort or request. Unfortunately, the most beautiful feelings one can possibly feel in life are ridiculously hard to find. One must journey deep into his or her own soul in order to find out what steps must be taken in order to feel something as incredible as love, admiration, faith, trust, and forgiveness. Brother Larry once told me that life's greatest rewards come from doing the things that we fear the most. I am terribly afraid of letting go of people, dreams, memories, or ideas that are the closest to my heart, and many times, this is because I am terrified of the idea of what kind of person I might be without these people, these hopes and dreams, or these memories. I have a hard time letting go of my mistakes, because I am more comfortable with my identity as a girl that regrets her actions than I am with the thought of being a woman that overcame guilt and regret. When someone does wrong to me, I am more comfortable being angry with that person than completely forgiving him or her.

Many people say they always forgive, but never forget. This does not seem possible to me, because remembering how badly someone made me feel has always prevented me from letting go of whatever wrong was done. Until I let go of the feelings that came with the wrongdoing, I cannot possibly forgive someone completely. In order to forgive, one must let go. In order to let go, one must allow him or herself to forget. It is human nature to cling to bad memories in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. We force ourselves to remember each person that betrays and hurst us to protect ourselves from trusting and getting hurt by this person again. We grasp tightly onto memories of our failures in hope that we may avoid failing at these things in the future. Because we desperately feel the need to protect ourselves and our hearts from pain or harm, we have become a generation of people that often forget the times in which we were happiest long before we forget the times in which we were the angriest or the most miserable. Earlier, when I did something called a "picture survey." It took three times as long for me to find a picture that described the happiest day of my life than it did to find a picture of a time that I was miserable. In that moment, I realized that I ruin every happy day now by questioning how long it will be before someone takes that happiness away from me. One time, someone told me that I looked horrible in the color yellow. Years later, I still refuse to wear yellow because I'm convinced that other people will look at me and think that I look awful. I do not remember who said it, when it was said, or what I was wearing at the time, but I have avoided adding anything yellow to my wardrobe because of an insult I received in high school. I forgave the person that insulted me, but I never forgot the way the insult made me feel.

If there is one thing more important than forgiving others, it is forgiving ourselves. This is what I struggle with the most. Even though I constantly make excuses for other people and their actions, I feel guilty excusing any of my own mistakes. Sometimes, I force myself to remember times that I said the wrong thing or made a bad choice, and I replay those mortifying moments over and over in my head until I fully exhaust each and every "should have" or "could have." It is almost as if I am never satisfied until I feel sick to my stomach. It is so hard for me to allow myself to just let go of the things that I cannot change, even when I have learned from a past mistake. I could list 500 examples of bad decisions I have made, terrible things that I have done, or hurtful things that I have said. But, I would struggle to write 10 things I have done that I am absolutely satisfied with and proud of. In order to have a fresh, clean start in January, I have to forgive myself for mistakes that I've made this year. I have to forgive myself for being human and not knowing then what I know now. I cannot continue beating myself up over phone calls I should have made, sermons I wish I had not missed, and choices I should not have made. If I cannot forgive myself, can others forgive me? If I stay awake every night crying over my inability to change the past, I will be too exhausted to appreciate the beauty of each new day. If I begin 2010 surrounded by guilt and regret, January will be the 13th month of 2009, rather than the first month of something new. If an artist did this, he or she would spend his or her entire career making corrections to one painting on one canvas. The result would be horrendous. The different colors of paint would eventually mix with each other, and the painter would end up with a muddy, brown canvas. If a painter is unable to correct a mistake on a piece of work, he or she could try again on a fresh, new canvas, choosing to learn from a past mistake and move forward. Instead of wasting our time trying to erase what cannot be erased, we should all accept that perfection is not a requirement for beauty, happiness, or success. If we choose to be like the first painter, we will end up with one muddy canvas. However, if we follow the path of the second painter, we can create many beautiful works of art in a lifetime. A work of art may be seen as flawed by its creator, but to the rest of the world, it is a perfect showcase of beauty.

One must unburden him or herself with the mistakes he or she made in the past. We all do things that we cannot take back, and the only thing that matters is that we would take these things back if given the chance. We are all afraid of being hurt. We are all afraid of failure. We are all afraid of betrayal. We all fear something, and as unfair as it seems, the only way to overcome a fear is to face it. In protecting myself from what scares me, I am only making my fear even stronger. Choosing to face a fear, however, gives ME strength. I am afraid of death, because it has taken so much from me in 2009. I am terrified that every single time my phone rings, I am going to hear bad news. I am scared that I will not be able to go through the stages of grief again without losing my mind completely. I am terrified that death will take someone from me that I cannot live without. I am afraid that if it does, I will spend the rest of my life completely unhappy, desperately trying to fill a void that cannot be filled. I have to face my fear. I have to come to terms with death, because whether I fear it or not, it will happen. I must be confident in myself and the bond I have with the ones that I love, as well as my faith in God. Fearing death as much as I do gives so much power to death that it destroys me each time it occurs. I fear death because I fear the lack of control that I have over it. If I face my fear, then I have to give up my desire for control. In doing this, I can release myself from the guilt I feel when I lose someone close to me. If I am not in control, then I cannot blame myself for not being there to prevent it from happening. If God is in control, then each death is His will. I find peace in knowing that the lives of my loved ones ended on Earth because God wanted to give them a new, fresh start in Heaven. Instead of being angry with myself for not being there, I can be grateful that He was there to carry them away from pain in the palm of His hand. Fearing death made it more powerful. Facing that fear makes life more powerful than death. Death may stop one from walking on Earth, but it cannot take away the wings one gets in Heaven.

In 2009, I struggled to forgive others. I failed to forget what should be forgotten and remember what I should never forget. I fought a losing battle with guilt and regret. I was too hard on myself for my mistakes and imperfections. I let a fear of death consume me. These are the parts of who I am that I am choosing to leave behind.

I hope to begin 2010 as a person that has forgiven others for doing what has already been forgotten. I will be a young woman that fails until she gets it right, but I will not define myself as a failure. I will be apologetic instead of guilty, and spend more time on what I can do than on what I wish I would have done. I will love life more than I fear death. I will not allow my nightmares take away the power of my dreams. I will remember that the person I am now is not the person I will become. I will wear yellow and feel absolutely fabulous! I will let love come into my life without questioning the length of its stay. I will be proud of my imperfections. I will only keep the photographs and memories of happy times. I will still believe that good things happen to good people. I will remember the compliments I receive and forget the insults.  I will enjoy God's sunshine until it rains. Then, instead of running to get an umbrella, I'll dance as the raindrops land on my smiling face.