december 2009 photographs

lazy afternoon at the lake house

Lesia's Surprise Party- 70's style :)

Darla Magillicutty and Skip Fondue

(me & jamie)

He was singing, I'm sure! Haha!

more to come.........

12.21.09

twitter.com/HLT4BAMA

New canvas. New year. New me.

December is my favorite month. Each December, I find comfort in the knowing that a new year is right around the corner. The idea of a fresh start has always brought to me a type of relief that I have been unable to find elsewhere. Because it is so wonderful and rare, I truly cherish the concept of starting over, and am incredibly thankful each year when December arrives with this extraordinary gift. Naturally, the gift of starting over is far more complicated than the rest of the presents I am given each December, as it requires more time to unwrap, more patience to understand, and more effort to use effectively than the others. Because this gift is completely invisible and lacks an instruction booklet, I have only learned how to truly start over by many years of trial and error. As a 22 year old woman, I am no expert on how to effectively do anything, especially something as complicated as an entirely fresh start. However, I do feel like I know much more about this concept than I ever thought I would. Each December, I focus on what I'd like to change about myself in the year to come. This has not worked for me, though, because I spend each year trying to correct the mistakes made in the year before, which totally defeats the purpose of a fresh start. This December, I hope to focus on all of the parts of myself that I want to leave behind in 2009. I want to begin 2010 with a clean slate, carrying with me only the parts of me that I love. If I want to be happy in 2010, I cannot begin the year surrounded by the unhappiness that came with 2009. I must forgive, forget, and move on. What I have done defines the person I am, but it does not define the person that I will become.

Although many claim to be quick to forgive, one cannot deny the extreme level of difficulty that human beings generally have with  forgiveness. Anger comes to us easily. Hatred is easy. Bitterness is easy. Regret comes naturally, even if we fight it. Fear is easy. In fact, every single negative emotion had by the human race comes without any effort or request. Unfortunately, the most beautiful feelings one can possibly feel in life are ridiculously hard to find. One must journey deep into his or her own soul in order to find out what steps must be taken in order to feel something as incredible as love, admiration, faith, trust, and forgiveness. Brother Larry once told me that life's greatest rewards come from doing the things that we fear the most. I am terribly afraid of letting go of people, dreams, memories, or ideas that are the closest to my heart, and many times, this is because I am terrified of the idea of what kind of person I might be without these people, these hopes and dreams, or these memories. I have a hard time letting go of my mistakes, because I am more comfortable with my identity as a girl that regrets her actions than I am with the thought of being a woman that overcame guilt and regret. When someone does wrong to me, I am more comfortable being angry with that person than completely forgiving him or her.

Many people say they always forgive, but never forget. This does not seem possible to me, because remembering how badly someone made me feel has always prevented me from letting go of whatever wrong was done. Until I let go of the feelings that came with the wrongdoing, I cannot possibly forgive someone completely. In order to forgive, one must let go. In order to let go, one must allow him or herself to forget. It is human nature to cling to bad memories in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. We force ourselves to remember each person that betrays and hurst us to protect ourselves from trusting and getting hurt by this person again. We grasp tightly onto memories of our failures in hope that we may avoid failing at these things in the future. Because we desperately feel the need to protect ourselves and our hearts from pain or harm, we have become a generation of people that often forget the times in which we were happiest long before we forget the times in which we were the angriest or the most miserable. Earlier, when I did something called a "picture survey." It took three times as long for me to find a picture that described the happiest day of my life than it did to find a picture of a time that I was miserable. In that moment, I realized that I ruin every happy day now by questioning how long it will be before someone takes that happiness away from me. One time, someone told me that I looked horrible in the color yellow. Years later, I still refuse to wear yellow because I'm convinced that other people will look at me and think that I look awful. I do not remember who said it, when it was said, or what I was wearing at the time, but I have avoided adding anything yellow to my wardrobe because of an insult I received in high school. I forgave the person that insulted me, but I never forgot the way the insult made me feel.

If there is one thing more important than forgiving others, it is forgiving ourselves. This is what I struggle with the most. Even though I constantly make excuses for other people and their actions, I feel guilty excusing any of my own mistakes. Sometimes, I force myself to remember times that I said the wrong thing or made a bad choice, and I replay those mortifying moments over and over in my head until I fully exhaust each and every "should have" or "could have." It is almost as if I am never satisfied until I feel sick to my stomach. It is so hard for me to allow myself to just let go of the things that I cannot change, even when I have learned from a past mistake. I could list 500 examples of bad decisions I have made, terrible things that I have done, or hurtful things that I have said. But, I would struggle to write 10 things I have done that I am absolutely satisfied with and proud of. In order to have a fresh, clean start in January, I have to forgive myself for mistakes that I've made this year. I have to forgive myself for being human and not knowing then what I know now. I cannot continue beating myself up over phone calls I should have made, sermons I wish I had not missed, and choices I should not have made. If I cannot forgive myself, can others forgive me? If I stay awake every night crying over my inability to change the past, I will be too exhausted to appreciate the beauty of each new day. If I begin 2010 surrounded by guilt and regret, January will be the 13th month of 2009, rather than the first month of something new. If an artist did this, he or she would spend his or her entire career making corrections to one painting on one canvas. The result would be horrendous. The different colors of paint would eventually mix with each other, and the painter would end up with a muddy, brown canvas. If a painter is unable to correct a mistake on a piece of work, he or she could try again on a fresh, new canvas, choosing to learn from a past mistake and move forward. Instead of wasting our time trying to erase what cannot be erased, we should all accept that perfection is not a requirement for beauty, happiness, or success. If we choose to be like the first painter, we will end up with one muddy canvas. However, if we follow the path of the second painter, we can create many beautiful works of art in a lifetime. A work of art may be seen as flawed by its creator, but to the rest of the world, it is a perfect showcase of beauty.

One must unburden him or herself with the mistakes he or she made in the past. We all do things that we cannot take back, and the only thing that matters is that we would take these things back if given the chance. We are all afraid of being hurt. We are all afraid of failure. We are all afraid of betrayal. We all fear something, and as unfair as it seems, the only way to overcome a fear is to face it. In protecting myself from what scares me, I am only making my fear even stronger. Choosing to face a fear, however, gives ME strength. I am afraid of death, because it has taken so much from me in 2009. I am terrified that every single time my phone rings, I am going to hear bad news. I am scared that I will not be able to go through the stages of grief again without losing my mind completely. I am terrified that death will take someone from me that I cannot live without. I am afraid that if it does, I will spend the rest of my life completely unhappy, desperately trying to fill a void that cannot be filled. I have to face my fear. I have to come to terms with death, because whether I fear it or not, it will happen. I must be confident in myself and the bond I have with the ones that I love, as well as my faith in God. Fearing death as much as I do gives so much power to death that it destroys me each time it occurs. I fear death because I fear the lack of control that I have over it. If I face my fear, then I have to give up my desire for control. In doing this, I can release myself from the guilt I feel when I lose someone close to me. If I am not in control, then I cannot blame myself for not being there to prevent it from happening. If God is in control, then each death is His will. I find peace in knowing that the lives of my loved ones ended on Earth because God wanted to give them a new, fresh start in Heaven. Instead of being angry with myself for not being there, I can be grateful that He was there to carry them away from pain in the palm of His hand. Fearing death made it more powerful. Facing that fear makes life more powerful than death. Death may stop one from walking on Earth, but it cannot take away the wings one gets in Heaven.

In 2009, I struggled to forgive others. I failed to forget what should be forgotten and remember what I should never forget. I fought a losing battle with guilt and regret. I was too hard on myself for my mistakes and imperfections. I let a fear of death consume me. These are the parts of who I am that I am choosing to leave behind.

I hope to begin 2010 as a person that has forgiven others for doing what has already been forgotten. I will be a young woman that fails until she gets it right, but I will not define myself as a failure. I will be apologetic instead of guilty, and spend more time on what I can do than on what I wish I would have done. I will love life more than I fear death. I will not allow my nightmares take away the power of my dreams. I will remember that the person I am now is not the person I will become. I will wear yellow and feel absolutely fabulous! I will let love come into my life without questioning the length of its stay. I will be proud of my imperfections. I will only keep the photographs and memories of happy times. I will still believe that good things happen to good people. I will remember the compliments I receive and forget the insults.  I will enjoy God's sunshine until it rains. Then, instead of running to get an umbrella, I'll dance as the raindrops land on my smiling face.

all the pieces of my heart :)

1. A picture that is in your bedroom:

2. A picture with someone you don't actually like:

3. A picture of you where you could pass for drunk:

4. A picture of you celebrating your birthday:

5. The youngest picture of you on your computer:

6. A picture of you making a stupid face at the camera:

7. A picture of you in one of your favorite outfits:

(I love swimsuits!)

8. A picture with one or both of your parents:

9. A picture of you someone that you wish you still talked to:

10. A picture of you truly being yourself:

11. The most recent picture of you:

12. A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous:

13. A picture of you where you feel on top of the world:

14. A picture of a time in your life that is over, but you wish it wasn't:

15. A time in your life that you're happy is over:

16. A picture of your favorite thing:

17. A picture in which you are anything but happy:

18. A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now:

19. A picture of you with someone you love:

20. A picture of how you'd like the world to see you:

21. A picture of how you want to spend every day:

(smiling)

22. A picture of a time when everything was changing:

23. A picture that makes your heart hurt:

24. A picture that makes your heart smile:

25. A picture of one of the best days of your life:

26. A picture with someone that you miss:

the game that plays us

In the past year, I have read so many articles, books, poems, and quotes about grief that one would almost believe that I would be an expert on the subject. In fact, I have spent the entire year surrounded by grief, doing the best that I could just to keep from drowning in the anguish of it all. Have I learned from this? Oh, yes... I have learned more than I ever thought neccessary. But, I am no expert. I have no more answers now than I did a year ago, although I do have many, many more questions. During my drive back to Jacksonville tonight, I just felt overwhelmed. Every single emotion I have held in over the past eleven months just hit me all at once, and for a second, I wondered if I had made any progress at all. Sometimes, though, one has to take a few steps back in order to begin moving forward again. I desperately need to open my heart tonight. I need to let go.

They say that there are five distinct stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This is what we are told to expect, and for the most part, this is an extremely accurate description of how one feels after a big loss. Unfortunately, there are so many things that we are not told to expect. Because of this, there are periods that can only be described as darkness.... complete, total, and utter darkness. When Brother Larry died, many weeks passed before I truly accepted that he was gone. And, even when I reached that point, it took months before I accepted that he was never coming back. For me, the five stages of grief cycled when they should have ended. This year, I did not just grieve over the deaths of people that I loved. Grief is about so much more than death. Grief is about loss. Grief is about changing one's entire way of life. Grief is waking up every single morning and having to remind yourself that something unimaginable actually happened. And, every time I remember, it takes the breath out of me. It seems unfair that the only solution to making it through something that hurts so badly that you forget how to breathe is to just breathe. When people ask me how to make it through, I always say, "Just breathe." It is the only way to survive this kind of pain. It is the only way to go on.

Grief is an ugly game that plays with the one part of ourselves that we cannot protect, no matter how hard we may try. Just when I think I am okay, my world falls apart all over again. I have learned to just let myself feel the sadness when it comes, hoping that it will run its course without shattering my heart into thousands of little pieces again. Sometimes, all I can do is try and hold on to the belief that one day, it will not hurt so horribly. One day, it will not be unbearable. The best thing that I can do for myself is to let go when I can. Letting go is part of healing, but it is the one part of all of this that terrifies me the most. How can I possibly let go? How can I ever be okay with them not being here?

Grief looks different on everybody. Some of us throw ourselves into work. Some of us struggle to get out of bed every morning. Some people put on a happy face for others, while other people do not even attempt to hide their broken hearts. Some people cling to old routines, pretending for their own sakes that nothing has changed, while other people avoid anything that reminds them of the way life was before everything changed. The stages of grief look different on everyone, but there are always five. Sometimes, I look at other people, and I wonder if they cry themselves to sleep some nights like I do. The thought of anyone else that I love feeling the way that I do makes me ache in the pit of my stomach, and all of a sudden, I get angry at the world for causing pain to the people that I love the most. Grief does not only concern what is taken from us, but also what is left of those who survive.

Grief is as dark and deep as the ocean, as big and vast as the sky, and as quiet and persistant as the reoccuring nightmare of one's childhood. It is a force like no other, and can only be equaled in power by love, faith, patience, and time. This is what I DO know. This is what I HAVE learned. Grief is a teacher to all who allow it to be. This knowledge was far more costly than my college education, and unlike many of the things I have learned in the classroom, I will not forget any of this. And, at the end of every single day, I would trade all of this knowledge in a heartbeat for just one more minute with the people I have lost this year. I would give anything to see them again... you name it, I would give it away without an ounce of consideration. If they knocked on my door right now, I would not ask a single question. I would just hug them until someone made me let go, as I would eventually have to do. And, that is what I have to do now, even without the knock on the door or the hug. If they cannot be with me, then I am glad that they are in a place where they are protected from all pain and evil. Before they were loved by me, they were loved by God. He will keep them safe, and if I allow it, He will allow me to join them one day.

Grief is not a game that we play. Grief is a game that plays us. It tests our faith in God, ourselves, and others. It pushes us to the point that we once thought was the limit, and then it pushes us beyond that, forcing us to reconsider the limits we set for ourselves. Grief molds us, stretches us, and recreates us. Grief breaks our hearts, but it also pushes us to put the pieces back together again. Grief is what turns boys into men, girls into women, and children into adults. Grief creates poets, writers, musicians, artists, and friends. Grief reminds us that we are merely human beings, living in a world that will never belong to us. Grief is everything and nothing that we're told all at once. Grief is love in another form, and at the end of the day, that is all that anybody needs to know. Where there is love, there is God, and all we can do is trust in Him. This is His world... we are just living in it. When I accept the fact that I have no control, then I will be able to let go. I have to do this. It is time.

Tonight, I learned that I knew much more than I thought. Like I said, sometimes, you have to take a few steps back in order to move forward. Tonight, I hand over all desire for control to God. Tomorrow, I will breathe. Tomorrow, I will move forward. Eventually, I will be okay.

our birthday girl

Friday, November 13th, 2009, we celebrated the birthday of our dear friend, Callie Wright. To say that she is missed is an understatement.... Although you may not see her gorgeous smile in the photographs from that night, she was there. She was in our hearts, where she will remain until we fly into the clouds to be with her in paradise. We love and miss you so much, pretty girl!

<3

HLT

In Loving Memory of Martha Parks

 Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.
-Mary Elizabeth Frye-

Happy (late) Halloween!

Kyle (Nick Saban) & Me (flight attendant)

me & Joe (Peyton Manning)

Meagan & me :)

Meagan, Mallory, & me <3

The Power of Love

Helen Keller once said, "What we have once enjoyed we cannot lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." I found this quote in March of this year when I opened up a library book. Someone had written it on the back of a Wal-Mart receipt, then used it for a bookmark. Ever since then, I have grown quite fond of that wrinkled receipt, and I have never been able to throw it away. Helen Keller believed in the power of love and happiness. And, someone else believed in it, too, since he or she felt compelled to write it down. Then, that person left it behind, possibly so that someone else may find comfort in this wonderful quote. Now, it is my turn to leave these words behind for others. That, my friends, is exactly what you are reading.

This time last year, I was recovering from surgery. I remember thinking, "This has been the worst year of my life. 2009 will be better! 2009 will be our year... I just know it." Hindsight is a funny thing, isn't it? Some days, I look back and think that I was a complete idiot for believing that making it through a rough year meant that the following year would be so fantastically wonderful that it would completely make up for the struggles I had in 2008. Other days, I wonder if the blind optimism I had a year ago was simply another quality that one loses as his or her youth begins to fade away. While 2009 may not have held all that I'd hoped it would, in some strange, twisted way, it did bring to my life things that I could have never seen coming. And, as I've come to learn, people tend to learn far more from the unexpected than the expected. When we cannot plan our reactions in advance, we are left with no other option but to act impulsively, relying on our instincts to make it through. Because of this, we allow others to see the truest forms of ourselves. When this happens, it no longer matters how much money we have in our bank accounts, what designer we are wearing, what college degrees we do or do not have, whether or not we are having a good hair day, or what inappropriate thing we may have said last week. At this moment, the only thing that matters are the contents of our hearts, which we put on display for the world to see. These are the moments that forever change who we are. These are the moments that transform our nightmares into our realities. These are the moments that force us to face our deepest fears. Then, and only then, do we become the people that we were truly meant to be.

At 12:01 A.M. on January 1st, 2009, I honestly felt as if I understood the ways of the world. I had just spent an entire year fighting battles with my health, and by the standards of most, I came out of these battles victorious. I failed to remember that every war that has ever been fought in the history of human existence was also accompanied by hard times, and when these wars ended, the hard times always continued. When one battle is won, another battle begins. The worst kind of battle, though, is the one that we have with ourselves, because even when we win, we lose, also. I was reminded of this on January 6, 2009, when I lost someone that meant the world to me. Just five days before, I'd felt on top of the world. Then, I watched that very same world crash down all around me. My hero was gone, and because of the way that he died, I did not know who to blame for taking him away. The days following his death seemed unreal. I felt like I was stuck in a crazy nightmare, just waiting for someone to wake me up. Everything just happened so quickly, though, and I started to panic, wondering if I had waited too long to speak up and tell everyone that none of this could even be possible. I desperately searched for some kind of hidden pause button that would allow me to just breathe, even if only for one second. Nobody ever woke me up from that nightmare. I never found the pause button. And, as it always does, the world continued to turn.

Because I could not change the past, my only choice was to move forward. But, every morning when I woke up, the first thing that I thought about was how long it had been since I'd seen him last. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and without warning, something changed. One day, I woke up, and it was not until hours later that I realized that I did not start my day reminding myself of the number of days that had passed since his death. That day, my first thought had been of how gorgeous it was outside. The sun was shining, the breeze was warm, and the birds were chirping. You see, it no longer mattered to me how many days had passed since his death, because on that particular day, I saw him all around me. I remember sitting on the porch, enjoying the beautiful afternoon, and I decided to read for a little while. When I opened the book, something fell out. I picked it up, and just when I was about to throw away what I assumed to be garbage, I read the quote on that receipt. Now, I do not think I will ever know who left that in the book, but I do believe that I was meant to read it exactly when I did. That is the power of love.

Not long after Brother Larry's death, another person that I loved dearly was diagnosed with cancer. For 8 long months, I watched him suffer in pain and agony. Like I, Uncle Randall also loved Brother Larry very much, and there is not a doubt in my mind that Brother Larry was by his side the entire time he fought for his life. I could feel his presence there. Through the chemo, radiation, medications, pain, hospitalizations, and the other horrors that Uncle Randall faced during those 8 months, he never once questioned why he had to go through something so unfair. He was courageous. He was strong. He trusted God's will for him. On the morning of August 25, 2009, my 22nd birthday, he looked up at the ceiling from his hospital bed with outstretched arms and took his last breath. I know that when he raised his hands up, it was to grab the hands that were reaching down to him. And, I know exactly who those hands belonged to. That is the power of love.

The day before my birthday, I attended the funeral of a young woman that had made a bigger impact on the world in 23 years than most people could do in 100. She lived her life the way that we all should: without fear, reservation, or time wasted on worry or regret. She never categorized life's events as fair or unfair. Instead, she took it day by day, crossing each bridge as she got to them. She appreciated the simple things, like Sunday afternoon drives, laughing until it hurt, the way the sunlight reflected off of the lake, and how the leaves changed colors as each summer turned into fall. She loved her friends more than anything in the entire world, and she was loved just as much in return. I watched those closest to her go through agonizing pain as they tried to cope with the idea of living life without her. I saw them come together as they grieved, forming a bond so strong that nothing will ever be able to break it. Inside each of their hearts, one can find a piece of Callie. When they are all together, those pieces of her become whole again. Wherever they are, she is, too. This is the power of love.

Until now, I thought that throwing away that silly receipt with those beautiful words written on the back meant that I no longer needed it. I now understand that words that powerful are useless sitting inside of a jewelry box. It is my turn to leave them for someone else to find.

"A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last."
-Charlie Daniels


In Loving Memory of Dr. Larry D. Morris, Randall Boggs, and Callie Wright

her song :)

remember me as a time of day

William Shakespeare once wrote "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. Love alters not with time’s brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom."

Throughout my life, I have heard that most people do not realize the most significant moments in his or her life while they are happening. Often, it is not until many days after that one is able to recognize just how important a specific moment may be. Sometimes, in just a split second, our lives are changed forever by one decision, one conversation, or one idea. We become comfortable with certain ideas and people. This leads us to take these ideas or people for granted. Most of the time, we do not realize just how important these things are until they are taken from us forever. It is only at this moment that we are able to truly see how much we love and need these ideas, these people, these pieces of our past. These are the moments that build a wall that separates the person one once was from the person that one has now become. Because these moments become such a huge part of who we are, they live for as long as we do. We carry every single part of these significant events in our hearts forever.

At 8:00 A.M. on August 21, 2009, my phone rang. On the other end of the line was someone that I have been close to for many, many years. As soon as I heard his voice, my stomach hit the floor. I have received many of these phone calls over the years, and because of this, I am able to tell immediately when something is wrong. This dear friend of mine said, "Callie and Kyle had a wreck last night, Haley. It is not good. It is not good at all." His voice sounded so far away, almost as if he was covered by a blanket of shock and pure disbelief. All I could say was, "No, no, no... this has to be a rumor. There is no way that this is true." Then, he just started sobbing. The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach told me that my two friends were not okay. Drew just handed the phone to his mom, and in her warm voice, she said, "Kyle is going to be okay. It isn't good, Haley, but he is going to pull through this. He is at UAB in critical care. I wish I knew more, but I don't have many details on his condition yet." I replied, "What about Callie?" Then, there was a pause. Oh, the dreaded pause... the pause that all mothers take before they say things that they had always hoped they would never have to say. And, I just knew. I did not believe it, but I knew. My fears were confirmed when she said, "She didn't make it...." Her voice just trailed off, and I heard Drew crying in the background. Drew and Callie were inseperable. They both trusted each other with every single part of their being. He was devastated, heartbroken, and shocked. He had just lost his very best friend. And, from that moment on, his life would never, ever be the same.

My phone did not stop ringing all day. Everyone was just floored by what they were hearing. Anyone who had ever met Callie knew that she was truly one of a kind. This beautiful girl was intelligent, driven, hard-working, generous, spontaneous, funny, loyal, understanding, and absolutely 100% full of life. When I say that she LIVED, I really, truly mean it. She did not waste a second of her life feeling sorry for herself or wishing that she had, at some point in time, done anything differently. She never pretended to be anybody other than herself, and while she knew that she was human and made mistakes, she always stood by the people she cared about and the things in which she believed. She made no apologies for being who she was, and because of this, she was respected by all who knew her. This tiny girl could walk into any room with confidence, no matter what anybody said or thought about her. She did not back down when fighting for something that mattered to her. If you never got the chance to meet her, then you really missed out. There will never be another like her on this earth. And, if you did meet her, you will never, ever forget her. We could use more people like her in this world. If she wanted something, she made it happen. She worked hard, laughed hard, loved hard, and fought hard. She put 100% into every single thing that she did. Because she was this kind of person, it was very hard to accept that anything could ever take that spunk, that laugh, and that life out of her. Every time my phone rang that day, it was someone asking, "Are you SURE this happened? How could this be true?" I do not know of one person who did not ask these questions when they heard the tragic news. Losing someone like Callie is a real tragedy, because she never took life for granted. It is the people who really appreciate the beauty of life who deserve to live forever. In a way, though, people like Callie do get to live forever in the hearts and memories of all who loved them. And, that is exactly where Callie is. I see her in the eyes of her very best friends. I hear her in her favorite songs. I feel her when I hug the people that she loved the most. Oh, she is all around us, working just as hard as a guardian angel as she did as a human being.

While the world said goodbye to Callie, Kyle was starting his healing process at UAB. He came out of the wreck with some really serious injuries. I decided to go see him on Saturday, August 22nd. Because he had suffered such a severe concussion, I did not know if he would even be able to recognize his visitors or remember that they had been there after they left. Seth offered to go with me to see Kyle, and we planned to meet Meagan and Wes at the hospital. My stomach was in knots the whole way to Birmingham. Anybody who knows anything about me knows that Kyle has always had my heart. He was my first love, and after dating on and off for over 5 years, he and I had become a concrete part of each other's lives. Even when we were not dating, he was still the first person I called during hard times. I cannot begin to tell you how many hours he sat on the phone while I talked about Brother Larry or Uncle Randall this year. Many times, people do not realize how much it means to someone to just listen to them. That is what he has always done for me. This time, he was the one in need, and there was nothing in the world that could have stopped me from going to that hospital. He would have done the same thing for me. There is no doubt about that.

I walked into his room in the trauma unit at UAB, and when I touched his hand, those beautiful eyes that I have looked into for so many years started to open. He opened his eyes and smiled at me, and for as long as I live, I will never forget the way I felt at that moment. He squeezed my hand, and I knew that he would be okay. The fight in him was as strong as it had always been. It was then that I realized that my life would never be complete unless he was in it. There is nothing more painful than seeing someone that you love with every fiber of your being in this kind of situation. He was unable to remember anything from that night, and everyone thought that it was best to wait and tell him what happened when he was stronger and more stable. While we were all so thankful and happy to see him smile or hear him laugh, we were also very sad, because we knew that we could not protect him from the reality of the situation for much longer. This type of situation is one that comes without directions, and it is heartbreaking to try to make the right decisions concerning how one should handle a tragedy such as this. Kyle and Callie had been friends since childhood, and if someone did not know them, he or she would think that they were brother and sister. When he would ask questions about why he was in the hospital, everyone knew that he wanted to know that everything was okay, that his injuries were the only ones, that all he had to worry about was his recovery... and as badly as we all wanted to be able to say "yes" to each of those loaded questions, we just could not do that. His parents, sisters, and brother never left his side. That family just came together without even a second of hesitation, and they formed a support system strong enough to get through ANYTHING. Seeing this in action showed me exactly what a family should be. I witnessed the strength of their love for Kyle and each other as I came back to the hospital every day. They surrounded him with love and support, and the results were nothing less than miraculous.

Tuesday, August 25th, was my birthday. The day that marked my 22nd year was one full of mixed emotions. Kyle called and told me that they were letting him out of the hospital, which was great news. While his homecoming was a very happy part of my day, someone else that I loved had gone home in a completely different way early that morning. Uncle Randall passed away peacefully after a long, hard battle with lung cancer. I was relieved to know that he was no longer in pain, but after such a hard week, I was not as emotionally stable as I normally would have been. He was such a good man. He had a heart of gold, and there was nothing he enjoyed more than helping those around him. I watched him fight cancer for months, and it is always difficult to see such a strong person lose any kind of battle. I miss him so much. I always will.

Here I am, ten days after the wreck, much wiser than I was a week and a half ago. I understand now just how much one person can change the lives of others. One life can have such a huge impact on the world. I look back at the lives and accomplishments of Callie and Uncle Randall, and I am so proud to have known both of them. I thought about all of the hilarious adventures I had with Callie. I thought about the many days of my childhood spent at Aunt Lou and Uncle Randall's house. I thought about long talks that I had with Callie, and the stories I was told by Uncle Randall. I thought about how they both loved Alabama football. I thought about all of the memories I have with each of them, because sometimes a person must take a few steps back before he or she can take steps forward.

Then, I started to think about the future. I thought about Kyle and the long road he has ahead of him as he heals. I wondered how many dark days may be headed our way. When life surrounds a person with darkness, he or she must decide how to handle it. And, I know that no matter what Kyle goes through in the weeks ahead, he will not have to do it alone. He has all of us there to catch him if he stumbles or falls, and when he goes through things that he has to face alone, we will be there to give him the strength that he needs. Each morning, when we wake up, we have to choose whether to move forward or simply give up. In times like these, when nothing in our lives seems to make any sense, we have to decide what kind of people we want to be. Will we reach out to others? Will we try to fight alone? Will we lose ourselves in the darkness and despair? Will we face our fears with courage? Or, will we move forward? Will we find comfort and hope from an unexpected source? It is only when a person is tested that one finds out what kind of person he or she wants to be. Whatever type of person one wants to be does exist. It can be found somewhere between hard work, heartache, faith, and fear.

"Being loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Lao Tzu

"With tired eyes, tired minds, and tired souls, we slept."

What is Heaven like?

I've been asking this question since I was a kid. Over the years, I've heard many different descriptions of Heaven, and while I thought they all sounded nice, I wondered if I would be truly happy in a place like the ones they told me about. I decided to learn as much as I could from different sources in hopes that I may find the perfect answer for me out there somewhere. First, I looked at the facts. What do they say about Heaven? According to Wikipedia, Heaven is the physical heavens, the sky or the seemingly endless expanse of the universe beyond. This is the traditional literal meaning of the term in English, however since at least the 11th century, it is typically also used to refer to an afterlife plane of existence (often held to exist in another realm) in various religions and spiritual philosophies, often described as the holiest possible place, accessible by people according to various standards of divinity, goodness, piety, faith etc.

According to CBN.com, a spiritual website, Heaven is where God is. He is the light of heaven, the joy of heaven. As you mature in your understanding of the Bible, you realize there is no material concept of heaven that will do it justice. The Bible talks about streets of gold as clear as crystal and walls made out of precious stones (see Revelation 21:18-21). All sorts of images immediately come to mind when we mention heaven. More than anything else, heaven is a spiritual condition where one spiritual being is in touch with another spiritual being, and there is total communication and fellowship.

The Bible says, "He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying; and there shall be nor more pain, for the former things have passed away" (Revelation 21:3-4)."

I like the idea of no death in Heaven, but I'm just not so sure about the other parts of this description. First of all, how can God wipe tears from their eyes if there is no crying? I cry for all kinds of reasons. When something really hilarious happens, I laugh until I cry. When I am so happy I could burst, I cry. When something touches my heart, I cry. Crying is not always a bad thing. A place without crying sounds like a place with very little emotion. There are no extremes, it seems. Also, I do not ever want "the former things" to pass away. I cherish my memories, my life story, the reason I am the person I am. If these things passed away, who would I be? How could I see my friends and family if I no longer have the memories of my life?

Of course, I have to remember that The Bible (and the articles on the internet) were written, translated, and revised by people who were alive. This, of course, means that they had not yet been to Heaven. So, I decided to talk to my best friend, James Carr. He and I always play this game that we just call "the question game." Tonight, we played our game, but instead of asking random questions, we focused on ones about Heaven. I learned a lot during our conversation. Our question game is very much like an interview, although Jamie and I both ask and answer questions. I read silly interviews all the time in magazines about a celebrity's favorite brand of clothing and other various trivial subjects. I'm going to post an interview that has substance, that can open the eyes of others who have asked or been asked the very same questions.

Haley: What is, in your opinion, the popular idea of what Heaven is?
Jamie: The popular thought of Heaven is overwhelming happiness and golden streets. Right?
Haley: Right. What do you NOT want Heaven to be?
Jamie: I don't want Heaven to be so happy that I lose who I am.
Haley: But, aren't you searching for happiness on earth?
Jamie: Not to the extent of losing myself.
Haley: If you're ever truly happy on Earth, will you lose yourself then?
Jamie: I think it's impossible to be truly happy on Earth. Something is always going to happen to bring you back a little.
Haley: Do you think the idea of being born again sounds more pleasant?
Jamie: Nope. You are completely losing your former life and thoughts. I mean, it's like you never even existed.
Haley: So, what's your ideal Heaven?
Jamie: My ideal Heaven is being in control of myself. If I want to remember life and be sad, I should be able to. I shouldn't have to constantly be happy.
Haley: So, it would make you happy to be able to be sad? In an odd way, wouldn't you be happy to be able to remember your life, even the sad parts?
Jamie: I know it's a contradiction, but sometimes I am happy to be sad. Do you understand?
Haley: Totally.
Jamie: What do you think? What do you want it to be?
Haley: I hope that when I die, I'll wake up in a place where all of my loved ones who have passed are lined up to greet me, to take me in, to let me hear their voice. I want to sit around and laugh with my friends. I want to see everyone look and feel like they did on the best day of their life. I want to watch over those that I left behind. I don't care about clouds or streets of gold, I just want to be with the people I love.
Jamie: What about the first week? Year?
Haley: I don't think Time exists there. Time is an earthly thing, I think. God is bigger than Time.
Jamie: Still.... it IS eternity.
Haley: Plus, I don't think they have watch repair shops or jewelry stores in Heaven.
Jamie: Time isn't the issue. You get annoyed with people all the time.
Haley: Sure, but I might be more patient when I'm dead.
Jamie: Would you not get annoyed EVENTUALLY?
Haley: I don't think Heaven consists of the same thing every day. Maybe your life is YOURS, and you can time travel through your memories. That would be awesome!!!
Jamie: That would be horrible.
Haley: WHAT????
Jamie: You would be all alone. The people would only be memories. It wouldn't be the real people.
Haley: Well, it was a good concept.
Jamie: But you are alone. You might as well be a corpse dreaming. I hope St. Peter isn't like " Well you get to remember forever"
Haley: The more I think about it, the less it makes sense.
Jamie: I hope it's as much like life as possible.
Haley: Oh, definitely.
Jamie: What about baby deaths or mentally retarded people? What would they be like?
Haley: Perfect.
Jamie: Will the baby be older?
Haley: I don't think age exists there. I don't think we look the same there. These are just bodies.
Jamie: See, I don't like that. These are bodies that God made with the sole intention of leaving us here. Until Eve screwed everything up.
Haley: What will our souls look like?
Jamie: My soul better look like me.
Haley: Oh, yeah. Eve really messed up. I think good souls are beautiful. The bad ones are probably repulsive and hideous. Do you think we'll see each other in Heaven?
Jamie: I don't think so. We fight too much. The classic definition of Heaven includes no fighting. Will I love my wife there as much as I did on Earth?
Haley: You'll love her more.
Jamie: What if she passes first and I get a new wife?
Haley: I think your first wife would want you to find happiness again. I mean, there isn't sex in Heaven, I'm pretty sure. I don't think those primal instincts exist there, like jealousy, anger, hunger, sexual urges, or exhaustion.
Jamie: So, I wouldn't be myself, then? That's my fear.
Haley: You'll be the person you really are deep inside, the person that only YOU know. That IS you. Are you afraid of dying?
Jamie: The afterlife scares me, not dying.
Haley: I think we're all scared of the unknown. We spend so much time trying to figure it out. I think it just works out in the end. I hope so, anyway. I have to have hope in something.....anything...
Jamie: Would you be immortal if you had the chance?
Haley: No, no, no.
Jamie: Why?
Haley: Life has been hard on me. I've loved hard. My heart has been broken over and over. I've had to lose so many people that I love. I've been so sick that I just wanted to die. The idea of going through this forever seems more awful than ANY kind of Heaven. Life is a test. I want the reward.
Jamie: That was a good answer.
Haley: Why do you WANT to be immortal?
Jamie: I want to see how far we go. I'll be more than happy to go when the world ends.
Haley: Won't it be scary?
Jamie: No, not at all. It will just be God turning the lights off.

The conversation ended here. And, I could not help but find comfort in the realization that nobody knows what Heaven is like. Some people do not even believe it exists. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "To be great is to be misunderstood." If this is true, then Heaven must be just as beautiful as I've always hoped it would be. I think that on Earth, bad things often happen to good people. But, if these people keep their faith through these hard times, they get to go to a place where good things really do happen to good people. A long time ago, when I was just a kid, I asked Brother Larry what he thought Heaven would be like. He said, "Think about the best day you've ever had. Heaven will be even better than that!" I like that idea.

When Jamie said, "It will just be God turning the lights off", I found myself drawn to that idea. Maybe, after living through the trials and tribulations of life, God just holds us in his palm, turns out the lights, and watches us drift off to sleep. We finally get to rest. Maybe Heaven is just one deep sleep, filled with one wonderful dream after another.

Maybe so.

Unforgettable

Last weekend, I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of one of my dearest friends, Lane. Lane and I met many years ago in ballet class, but became close friends in the sixth grade. From that point on, she has been a significant person in my life. We went through all the pains that come with growing up together. We were there for each other as we experienced the big firsts that come in the teen years: first kiss, first date, first love, first heartbreak, etc. She was always someone that I really did trust, and I can honestly say that she never betrayed that trust. No matter what we were going through, she and I could always find a way to laugh. In fact, 90% of our friendship has been spent laughing, and I would not have it any other way. I could write an entire book full of hilarious stories about silly things that we did. It seems like only yesterday we were riding our bikes to Sno-Biz with our Frankenstein and wolf masks.

Even though it seems like yesterday, it has been almost 10 years. I do not think I truly realized that until I saw Lane walk down the aisle Saturday. She looked happier than I've ever seen her. She was absolutely beautiful. I thought about how patient she had been through the years when it came to dating. She always knew that one day, she would find the man of her dreams. Watching her marry the love of her life is something that I will always remember. I am so glad that I got to be a part of the best day of her life. One of life's greatest gifts is seeing good things happening to good people. It is even better when that good person happens to be very dear to your heart.

Lane and Ray got married at the Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Hoover. The reception was held at B & A Warehouse in Birmingham. Since most of the wedding party got rooms at the Sheraton for the weekend, we were all together for most of the weekend. Friday, we had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Ray made an awesome slide show with pictures that showed them grow from birth to the present day. It was a night of laughter, tears, toasts, and quality time with good friends that I do not get to see often. The food was as wonderful as the company, but the highlight of the night was the toast given by Dr. Mike, Lane's dad. Of course, it made us all cry, but it was clear to everyone just how much he loves his daughter. There was a lot of love in that room that night, and everyone said so many kind things about Lane and Ray. Saturday, we met at the church at about 11 A.M. to do our hair and makeup. We took pictures, ate, had our hair and makeup touched up, and then we waited. The minutes seemed to drag on, but before we knew it, it was time to walk down the aisle! After a beautiful ceremony, my dear friend was officially Mrs. Lane Kulovitz Snead.

The rest of the night was a celebration, and I am almost positive Lane's smile never left her face. After all of the stress, planning, and preparation for her special day, she was finally able to just enjoy the night and soak it all in. After all, she did have to start her first day as a teacher Monday, so I was especially glad to see her be able to not stress over that for just one day. She is going to be a fantastic teacher and an even better wife! Life is good.


Here's to a lifetime of love and laughter :)

(I'll add more pictures later-- promise!)

Daddy & Me at Lane and Ray's reception

letting go.

For the past year, I have done nothing but sit around and think about the terrible luck that I was so sure I had. I have complained about being sick, whined about the bad timing my surgeries had, and question why I had to lose someone I loved so much. I have beat myself up over so many things that, until now, I thought were my fault. I wondered what I could have done differently, where I may have went wrong, and why so many bad things continued to happen to me. I let myself slowly drown in a pool of tears, heartache, and grief. Somewhere along the way, I lost a very important part of myself. I lost my spark, my passion, and my belief that in the end, everything will be just as it is meant to be. I stopped dreaming of my future. Instead, I had dreams about my childhood, a time where every question had an answer.

Today, I went to the doctor. I have gone to him for a long time, and he knows everything that I've been through physically and emotionally. And, after running several tests, he told me that he felt like some of the health issues I've been having recently were caused by stress. He sat down and said, "Who you are now and who you were a year ago are like night and day. You used to be bubbly and happy, and now, you look like you're tied up in knots. I'm worried about you. I want you to be healthy and happy." You know what? He was exactly right. I have been too stressed for too long, and even though I did not know it could, it has really affected my health, personality, image, and relationships. At one point in time, I thought that treating my anxiety meant that I could not handle it myself. Now, I realize that it is perfectly okay to need help sometimes. Treating anxiety does not make me weak. It does, however, make me optimistic that the parts of myself that have been lost in the past year CAN be found again.

It is time for me to learn how to let go. Nobody wants to let go of the things that matter to him/her the most. It is human nature to desire to keep that which makes us most happy. We want our loved ones to always be around. We grow up, learn about ourselves, and decide what we want to be when we grow up. And, at some point in our lives, we realize who really matters to us. I could write a book about all of the people that surrounded me as I grew up, influenced me, loved me, and helped make me who I am today. I would do anything imaginable to protect these people from ever feeling an ounce of pain, illness, or heartbreak. As the years have passed, I have had to say goodbye to some of these people. This year, something crossed my mind that I'd never thought about before. And, I cannot stop thinking about it. I hate thinking that chances are high that I will have to say goodbye to most of these people at some point in my life. I am thinking realistically, which further shows me just how much I have changed. When I look at these people, these wonderful, loving, kind, and generous people, they all look exactly the same as they always have. I guess I forgot that they had birthdays, too. I think I just always believed that they never grew older. If I do write that book I mentioned earlier, I am going to let the readers believe this, too. However, in real life, I have to accept that I am not the one who gets to write their stories. Even though I fear losing them, I have to let go. I am not in control.

Letting go does not mean that I am over it. Letting go does not mean that I no longer care. Letting go just means that I have given up on my mission to do the impossible, which is to change what cannot be changed. Letting go means that I understand that I can only control certain things in life. Letting go makes me feel like I do not have to feel guilty for having really good days, laughing until I cry, or thinking of someone I miss with a smile instead of tears. Letting go is not about winning or losing, fighting or surrendering, or failure and success. Letting go is about growing up and being thankful for all that I have been blessed with during my life.

I have finally found a sense of peace that I have not had for a long time. I am okay. Most of all, I am so very thankful to each person that has brought joy into my life.

"We find by losing. We hold fast by letting go. We become something new by ceasing to be something old. This seems to be close to the heart of that mystery. I know no more now than I ever did about the far side of death as the last letting-go of all, but now I know that I do not need to know, and that I do not need to be afraid of not knowing. God knows. That is all that matters." Frederick Buechner