"And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come back and take you to be with me so that you also may be where I am" - John 14:3
Dear you,
It has almost been 8 months since you left this world. It seems unreal that so many months have passed since I last saw you. I still hear your voice perfectly in my head. I still smile each time I think of your laugh. I still catch myself waiting to hear your voice in the choir. I still have nights that I cry myself to sleep. Most of all, though, I still miss you. I miss you like crazy. These things may never change, but I am absolutely okay with that. I have had enough change for one year.
While we are all still confused about what happened, please know that we are not angry with you. We are simply angry that we no longer have you. I am sure you knew that we would not be mad at you for long. I am not sure, though, if you knew just how much we would all blame ourselves. I think we do this because it is the only way we can still protect you. I am not sure if you will ever know how most of us saw you. You may have thought that you made many mistakes, but none of those mistakes could ever outshine the wonderful things that you did. This still remains true today.
You were a man of many occupations, and you excelled in each one. However, you never needed a title to define you. You defined yourself. Throughout your lifetime, you traveled down many paths. You had to face many challenges along the way. From these challenges, you never backed down. You fought hard for what you believed in. What I remember most about this, though, is that you fought fairly, never forgetting the importance of tact and class.
You also helped each of us fight our own battles. If our hearts were heavy, you felt our pain. When we were happy, your face would light up with absolute joy. You treated strangers like they were your friends. You treated your friends like they were family. For many of us, you redefined the meaning of family. At the end of each sermon, you would stand in front of the alter with your arms spread open to the congregation. By opening your heart to us, you opened many of our hearts to God.
It was to God that you were most loyal. Each good deed you did was done in His name. You loved to sing about Him. You loved to thank Him. You loved to tell His story. Most of all, you loved to love Him. You showed this by really, truly, honestly LIVING. The gift of life was definitely not wasted on you. Oh, how you lived...
I still feel your presence all over the church. While many things look exactly the same way they have for the past two decades, every single part of the church feels differently than it did in the past. You were the heart of that church. You still are. It feels wrong to be there without you. It makes me feel as if I'm trespassing, almost. It reminds me of the playground at R.L. Young. I have spent many hours on that playground. I grew up, watched it change, and witnessed it grow. But, when a friend of mine and I stopped there one night this summer to pass the time, I felt like the swings just weren't meant for me anymore. I felt like I did not belong. You see, that playground meant so much to me because of the memories I made there with the kids I grew up with. The actual equipment on the playground could have been made of cardboard and it would not have made a difference. What mattered were the people there. That is how church feels for me sometimes now. It feels like a coma. We are there. Every single thing is still in working order. All of our parts still work. But, it all feels mechanical sometimes. We're getting there, though. We are moving forward, but we just aren't ready to let go yet. We need more time.
I want to thank you for meaning so much to me. Losing you forced me to take a closer look at the way I chose to live MY life. I have changed so much, and even though I would give my right arm to change things back to the way they were, I know that you are happy where you are. And, it is your turn to be happy. If anyone in the world deserves it, it is you. Thank you for watching over us, just as you always have. Thank you for being exactly who you were. Without you, the world just wouldn't be quite as beautiful.
I love you. I'll be seeing you.
Haleybug
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
things that matter
Hello, all. It has been quite a while since I have had time to write. Many things have happened since the last time I posted anything, so I guess I'll take the time to catch you up, just in case you're interested.
I finished my Spanish course in July. It was a semi-sweet moment, though, because my teacher was very unfair to my classmates and I in his grading and teaching techniques. In order to learn half of a Spanish textbook in 4 weeks, a lot of work is involved. We, the students, did not mind doing this work. We thought that it would all pay off in the end. The entire last week of class, when we should have been preparing for finals, our teacher sent us home early so he could "run errands" instead of helping us know what we should focus on in order to make a good grade on the final. I have probably never studied so hard in my entire life. I really put my all into it, and my grade would have reflected it if he had not purposely given everyone a ridiculous "participation" grade that pulled each of our final grades down by an entire letter. I was given a 60/100 in participation, even though I attended class every single day, answered the questions when I was called on, and took incredible notes all during class. His idea of teaching was for us to read the chapter (in a language that HE was supposed to teach us), then come to class and get grilled with questions that we were unable to answer. Evidently, in his eyes, participation means getting everything right without having first been taught the material. At first, I thought that I was the only one that had been cheated out of the grade that I deserved, but the majority of my classmates were just as angry as I was about the same thing. To top it all off, he gave me a 0/100 for homework. First of all, we only had 5 homework assignments in the four weeks that we were in there. Second, I turned in EVERY SINGLE ONE of them and didn't get an ounce of credit. I worked hard enough to get an A in the class. I deserved AT LEAST a B in the class. However, even after I go to talk to the dean, the highest I can probably get is a C. I don't deserve a C, and neither did anyone else in my class. The class average for the final grade was a 61. What does that tell you about the teacher? JSU needs to get their foreign language department in control, or everyone is going to have to transfer in order to graduate when they deserve.
I'm now taking two new courses. The first one is Spanish 102, and I'm taking it from a professor who was hired originally to teach French. He is a great teacher! He really helps us learn the material together. He prepares us for the tests. He gives a lot of extra credit, and I feel like he would go way out of his way to help any student that is having a hard time. He truly cares enough to help every student get whatever grade he or she deserves. Those are the kinds of teachers that are huge inspirations for me. I look forward to seeing the outcome of this class. I believe I will finally get the kind of grade that I work so hard for. My other class is an online history course. The teacher is both kind and fair. Since many of us ordered our books from the internet, some of us did not have our textbooks in time for the first test. She was generous enough to give us an extension so that we could all be successful in this class. She is compassionate, and I really do appreciate how understanding she was to everyone about the textbook situation. There are many great teachers out there. Unfortunately, there are just as many teachers who do not care about their students at all. Either way, I have a clearer picture of what kind of teacher I'd like to be one day.
In other news, I was very sick last week. I threw up constantly, ran a high fever, and barely had enough energy to hold my head up. But, I studied very hard, took my test, and I made a B! To some, a B may not sound like anything to be excited about, but in my eyes, it is. I am proud of myself and am more motivated than ever to continue to keep that good grade. I will be successful this time. I will not let anything get in my way. I went to the doctor Wednesday after my test, and I was informed that the "bronchitis" I thought I had a few weeks ago was actually strep, and because it wasn't treated, it spread to my kidneys, where it is now causing trouble. I am resting, taking my medicine, and trying to keep up the fluids. I am just going to keep pushing myself as hard as I can. I know that one day, in some way or another, all of this will be worth it. That's what I have been telling myself all year. It's all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
Russell starts his new job at a pharmacy in Anniston on Monday. He'll be working as a pharm tech, which is a good job for a college student. He will be paid very well, and I know that he and I will both enjoy being able to do nice things for ourselves sometimes. The stress level in this house is to the roof at this point, but things will get better. I just need to keep praying for brighter days. Until then, I'll dream about how blissful summers used to be, while I kick myself in the rear for not beieving everyone that told me how quickly those years would fly by.
I know I have a lot on my plate right now, but I can handle it. If this year has taught me anything, it is that love can overcome all obstacles. I may not have much in my life, but I have always had an abundance of love. This will sustain me. This will give me the strength that I need. I can't lose faith. I cannot EVER lose faith. God is here. He has not forgotten about me.
Please continue to pray for my loved ones that are ill. I check my email every single day hoping to read news of a miracle. I will not stop doing this. I believe in miracles. Like Journey says, "Don't stop believing!" Oh, I won't. I won't ever stop.
HLT
I finished my Spanish course in July. It was a semi-sweet moment, though, because my teacher was very unfair to my classmates and I in his grading and teaching techniques. In order to learn half of a Spanish textbook in 4 weeks, a lot of work is involved. We, the students, did not mind doing this work. We thought that it would all pay off in the end. The entire last week of class, when we should have been preparing for finals, our teacher sent us home early so he could "run errands" instead of helping us know what we should focus on in order to make a good grade on the final. I have probably never studied so hard in my entire life. I really put my all into it, and my grade would have reflected it if he had not purposely given everyone a ridiculous "participation" grade that pulled each of our final grades down by an entire letter. I was given a 60/100 in participation, even though I attended class every single day, answered the questions when I was called on, and took incredible notes all during class. His idea of teaching was for us to read the chapter (in a language that HE was supposed to teach us), then come to class and get grilled with questions that we were unable to answer. Evidently, in his eyes, participation means getting everything right without having first been taught the material. At first, I thought that I was the only one that had been cheated out of the grade that I deserved, but the majority of my classmates were just as angry as I was about the same thing. To top it all off, he gave me a 0/100 for homework. First of all, we only had 5 homework assignments in the four weeks that we were in there. Second, I turned in EVERY SINGLE ONE of them and didn't get an ounce of credit. I worked hard enough to get an A in the class. I deserved AT LEAST a B in the class. However, even after I go to talk to the dean, the highest I can probably get is a C. I don't deserve a C, and neither did anyone else in my class. The class average for the final grade was a 61. What does that tell you about the teacher? JSU needs to get their foreign language department in control, or everyone is going to have to transfer in order to graduate when they deserve.
I'm now taking two new courses. The first one is Spanish 102, and I'm taking it from a professor who was hired originally to teach French. He is a great teacher! He really helps us learn the material together. He prepares us for the tests. He gives a lot of extra credit, and I feel like he would go way out of his way to help any student that is having a hard time. He truly cares enough to help every student get whatever grade he or she deserves. Those are the kinds of teachers that are huge inspirations for me. I look forward to seeing the outcome of this class. I believe I will finally get the kind of grade that I work so hard for. My other class is an online history course. The teacher is both kind and fair. Since many of us ordered our books from the internet, some of us did not have our textbooks in time for the first test. She was generous enough to give us an extension so that we could all be successful in this class. She is compassionate, and I really do appreciate how understanding she was to everyone about the textbook situation. There are many great teachers out there. Unfortunately, there are just as many teachers who do not care about their students at all. Either way, I have a clearer picture of what kind of teacher I'd like to be one day.
In other news, I was very sick last week. I threw up constantly, ran a high fever, and barely had enough energy to hold my head up. But, I studied very hard, took my test, and I made a B! To some, a B may not sound like anything to be excited about, but in my eyes, it is. I am proud of myself and am more motivated than ever to continue to keep that good grade. I will be successful this time. I will not let anything get in my way. I went to the doctor Wednesday after my test, and I was informed that the "bronchitis" I thought I had a few weeks ago was actually strep, and because it wasn't treated, it spread to my kidneys, where it is now causing trouble. I am resting, taking my medicine, and trying to keep up the fluids. I am just going to keep pushing myself as hard as I can. I know that one day, in some way or another, all of this will be worth it. That's what I have been telling myself all year. It's all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
Russell starts his new job at a pharmacy in Anniston on Monday. He'll be working as a pharm tech, which is a good job for a college student. He will be paid very well, and I know that he and I will both enjoy being able to do nice things for ourselves sometimes. The stress level in this house is to the roof at this point, but things will get better. I just need to keep praying for brighter days. Until then, I'll dream about how blissful summers used to be, while I kick myself in the rear for not beieving everyone that told me how quickly those years would fly by.
I know I have a lot on my plate right now, but I can handle it. If this year has taught me anything, it is that love can overcome all obstacles. I may not have much in my life, but I have always had an abundance of love. This will sustain me. This will give me the strength that I need. I can't lose faith. I cannot EVER lose faith. God is here. He has not forgotten about me.
Please continue to pray for my loved ones that are ill. I check my email every single day hoping to read news of a miracle. I will not stop doing this. I believe in miracles. Like Journey says, "Don't stop believing!" Oh, I won't. I won't ever stop.
HLT
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