what comes after the blues

It really kills me to have to write this, but it is something that I feel is necessary.

The reason I started writing a few years ago is simple. I was living in Tuscaloosa, and I went through some pretty rough times. Because of the secretive nature of the situation, I held everything in, rather than talk them out with someone. One day, I just sat down at the computer and began typing. And, the words just kind of formed themselves, almost like my fingers had a mind of their own. It gave me the greatest feeling afterwards, like someone had lifted an enormous weight off of my chest. It made me feel like I could breathe again, which is quite exhilarating to someone that had been afraid to exhale for so long. Ever since then, writing has been a huge part of my persona. Words are my thing. They are my ticket to wherever it is in life that I decide I want to go. In all honesty, my love for writing has saved me more times than I can count. 

Somewhere along the way, I started this blog. At first, it was just something that I was going to try out. However, it quickly became a representative of my soul, allowing the public to see straight into the smallest corners of my being. It was here that I dealt with the loss of loved ones by putting what I was feeling into words. This gave me the ability to look at the situation from the outside in, which gave me a better grasp on things. Once again, my passion for writing saved me, and it continued to do so each time I relapsed and took two steps back in the grieving process instead of one step forward. It evolved from a hobby to a way of life, and fortunately, it was a much healthier way of life than the alternatives I'd previously encountered. It has become a part of my identity, and in all honesty, I think that one of the best parts of me is the intense passion I have for writing.

This is precisely what makes it so hard to walk away from this blog. I have decided that I will leave everything exactly as it is now until I figure out what it is that I wish to do. I do not want to make a rash decision that I will regret just because I am upset, frustrated, and bothered. Because I have to worry about everything I write being offensive to someone that has nothing to do with what I am saying, I am unable to write from my heart. And, even when I have a perfect explanation for the misunderstanding, I feel angry at the idea of having to defend myself for something that I never meant to imply. I promised myself that if I ever felt like I had to write what others wanted to read, instead of what I wanted to say, I would stop and move on. This is not a jab at anyone in particular, and I feel like I have to repeat this just to avoid stepping on anyone's toes. And, that is exactly why I cannot do this anymore. It is not doing anything positive for me. Instead, it raises questions, hurts feelings, and provokes drama, That is exactly what I did NOT want to happen, and I'm incredibly upset that it has come to this. I honestly do not know what I'm going to do without this outlet in my life, which is why I am considering starting fresh with a new blog without ever sharing the web address. Or, I may just bring back the typewriter like it is a hot, new product. Regardless of what I decide to do, I can assure you I will continue to write my little heart out. And, that is the only thing about all of this that truly matters to me. 

Maybe this is how it was all meant to be. Maybe the dark clouds are finally parting, and the urge to leave this part of my journey behind is nothing more than the sunshine peeking through the clouds as they surrender and go their separate ways. Maybe all of this is the beginning of the search for something more. Maybe this is a hunt for former clarity.  Or, maybe this is just what comes after the blues.

forever and almost always,

Haley Lauren Thomas

"I forgot to remember to forget."

Today, I was looking through some of my old blog entries, and I came across the series I'd written as I went through the 5 stages of grief after Brother Larry's death. As I read each one, starting with denial, I could literally feel the way I felt the day I wrote each one. I felt the false hope, the anger, the desperation, the sadness, and the surrender. Strangely enough, it only made me realize how far I've come since then, which comforted me. It made me feel optimistic that one day, life might almost feel normal again.

Sometimes, remembering someone can be just as painful as it is wonderful. But, the memories are something to hold onto, and when they're all you've got, you will cling to them for dear life. For me, remembering the people I've lost in the past two years is a process full of mixed emotions and different methods of healing. When I remember Uncle Randall, I think of the way he told stories. I think of the deep lines in his face, and how his skin felt like paper. I think of how I never once saw him without khaki slacks on. And, I feel peaceful when I remember him, because I cannot bear to remember him the way he was during chemotherapy and radiation. I prefer thinking of him as the angel in khakis drinking coffee and spreading his wings.

When I remember Callie, my stomach just hits the floor. To this day, I cannot fathom why someone as full of life as she would have such a tragic fate. She had an incredible laugh, and if you knew her, you could pick her out from a crowd by the sound of that trademark laugh. But, wonderful things have been done in her memory, and I know that she has had a hand in all of it. She was a go-getter, full of spunk and enthusiasm, and is probably one of the hardest working angels Heaven has ever seen. Everyone misses her so much, though, and it just does not seem fair. I hate seeing her closest friends struggle with this, because I cannot imagine what I would do if my very best friend died. I know that Callie surrounds them as they go through their own healing process.

When I remember Grandmother, I always end up laughing. We all have the funniest "One time, Grandmother..." stories, and when we're all laughing together, I swear I can almost hear her laughing, too. I am at peace with my Grandmother's death, because she had always been healthy and active, and had been so miserable and depressed in the months leading up to her death. She was in pain constantly. And, I cannot bear to think of someone I love as much as I loved (and still do!) my grandmother go from extremely active to barely able to move around her house. I wish I had gotten to say goodbye to her, but even if I had gotten the chance, I probably would not have been able to do it. I am not ready to say goodbye to my only grandparent. I would have been her first grandchild to graduate from college. When I get married, I won't have a "Grandmother of the bride" escorted to her seat. The thought of it leaves a lump in my throat.

The hardest one for me is still Brother Larry. It is really hard for me to write about this, because it is something so deeply imprinted in my soul. A few months ago, my mom made copies of our church's (Alpine Baptist) 175th anniversary celebration DVD. Russell was sitting in the chair and I was laying on my bed when we decided to watch it. As soon as I saw Brother Larry and heard his wonderful, beautiful voice that I'd missed for so, so long, tears just starting rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably. And, it was all out of joy, because I could see him, and he was alive and well and happy and laughing and singing...... I felt like I was in a time machine, and we'd gone back to a year when everyone was so much more innocent, and people believed that nothing horrible could ever happen to such a wonderful group of people.

Unfortunately, there is no time machine, so I have no choice but to continue this process of holding on enough to feel comfort, but letting go enough to heal. When it all boils down to it, though, I think I will always forget to remember to forget, both purposely and unintentionally, if that is possible. And, I will be okay. I have always heard that everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it is not the end. That is all that I need to know.

Photographs by Drew Freeman

This one's for God and the gays

Today was monumental. Today, California declared the marriage ban unconstitutional. Today, our country took a baby step towards equality. Today, men and women all over the United States cheered when the news was released. Today, religious extremists exploded with rage, using verses from The Bible to support their hate. Today, people spoke out about their beliefs on Twitter and Facebook, many of whom would usually avoid discussing such a heated topic. Today, people of all kinds became daring, whether it be out of pride and support or disappointment and worry. Today was an important day in the history of the United States of America.

Because this blog has always been for me to express my true, raw opinions and feelings, I cannot allow myself to hold in what is begging to be written. I am proud to write this. I am blessed to have the freedom to write this. I am not asking you to agree with me. I am, however, requesting that you read this with an open mind and an understanding that it is fueled by love, not anger or disgust. For me, this fight for equality is personal, because some of the people that I love most and am closest to happen to be gay. I have watched them become who they are, and I know how hard they have had to struggle just to be able to be the people they were meant to be. I have seen them be insulted, assaulted, and made fun of, and all because they were holding the hand of the person they love the most in this world. I have seen people judge them as soon as they hear them speak. I have heard them cry over the way people have treated them because they are gay. And, these are the people that have loved me NO MATTER WHAT. They took me for who I really was, and they accepted me and loved me with the kind of loyalty that is rare in this world. They have held me in my darkest hours. They have supported me throughout numerous relationships and the tumultuous breakups that followed. They have defended me without a moment's hesitation. So, it is my honor to do the same for them. It is my absolute pleasure.

I think that the Christians that oppose the ban being lifted are forgetting that God made each of us- gay or straight -and it is not our place to judge another man when we are all sinners. The Bible, which they so often quote in their retorts, also says that no one sin is worse than another. And, the last time I checked, we're all too far from perfect to point our fingers at one another. Do not assume that gay individuals do not believe in God, because many of them do, and they do it with the same amount of dedication and loyalty as many straight men and women. I think the rest of the people that oppose the legalization of gay marriage are forgetting that a gay marriage is still the union of two people that truly love each other. I cannot imagine someone telling me that the love I have for Russell is not valid or legitimate. I would be devastated if I was not legally allowed to marry him one day. And, that is how we should look at it, because a homosexual relationship is not as different from one between a heterosexual couple as many people believe. The only difference is that people feel entitled to openly judge and criticize a gay couple, whether it be on the street, in a restaurant, inside a movie theater, in a friend's home, in the grocery store, or during Sunday brunch with their families.

To be honest, I don't know anybody with a perfect marriage, but I do know many people that have been divorced, and a couple that married for the wrong reasons. We allow them to make mistakes. We allow them to marry the wrong person. We allow them to marry without having to do anything but show their licenses. So, even if someone thinks that marrying someone of the same sex is wrong, why are they so against giving people the chance to find that out for themselves, like straight people get to do? Who in the hell do these people think they are? We most often make vows in weddings in the name of God, not in the name of the government of the United States of America. So, let God make these decisions, people. Worry about yourself and leave the rest to God. I'd say that He's done a pretty good job so far.