Who I Am.

You know what I've found out? People either dislike you because they don't know you well enough or because they know you too well and they don't like what they've come to know. I'm not sure which I'd prefer, or which is better or worse, but to me, someone disliking you because they don't know enough just isn't fair. So, I'm going to through myself out there, again, and let you choose for yourself.

When I first wake up, I immediately look at the clock and wonder if I'm able to sqeeze even five more minutes of sleep in. I love sleep, I do. And, it's in the minutes when you're trying to relax before falling asleep that you have the best talks with yourself and God, if you choose. Sometimes, before I sleep, I replay the day in my head and wonder if I could have done something different. Of course, I always find that I could have, and sometimes I lose sleep over that. But, it's necessary, and I always wonder if other people are just like me. So, I look at some people who can fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow, and I find myself envious that I worry too much to do the same.

As much as you may have heard different, I absolutely hate conflict. I know that I have the skills I need to defend myself, but I don't like to be put in situations where I feel it necessary to use those skills. I hate it. I hate questioning myself over and over, always wondering if I'm in the wrong and I'm just too blind and stubborn to see it. I hate wondering if I have falsely judged someone, like we all have, and if maybe I lost a good friend because I misunderstood the tone of someone's voice, or just met them on a really terrible day. Maybe it's the beauty of life that you just never know what someone else has gone through on any given day. Maybe they call things "the beauty of life" because everyone feels too shitty to say that it just plain sucks that we can't know everything. Possibly, we'd never learn if we had all the information up front, and the beauty of making new friends and getting to know them would be taken from our lives completely. Like I said earlier, I worry too much. I think too much. I always have, and unless I take my xanax like I'm told, I always will.

I did not become very close to my parents until last year. Of course, I always loved them, and they always loved me and went out of their way to make sure I had what I needed. I took advantage of them on a daily basis, and they finally got tired of it. They made me live in a shitty apartment, put me on a budget, and told me that until I showed them respect, they wouldn't go back to being as generous as they were before. I thought that I hated them for that. But then, I went through some really hard times. I honestly had no will to live. And, instead of blaming me for causing my own problems, they were there for me. They did everything they possibly could to make things better. My mom would drive up just to take me to dinner and let me cry to her, then drive right back. And, she dropped everything to do this pretty much any time I asked her. They did not judge me for what happened. THey just loved me. And, you know what? I really loved them, too. I'll always remember the way they reacted. Sometimes, the best feeling in the world is when you expect the worst from someone, and they blow your mind by giving you the best they have to offer. That's what I'm doing for them this year. I hope they're proud of me.

Besides my parents, I have a close relationship with my friends. They are honestly like family to me, because we've all dealt with some really adult issues. They have seen me at my worst, and loved me just as much as they do when I am at my best, whenever that is. You know what the absolute best thing a friend can do for THEIR friend who is in trouble? Listen. Just listen to all of the things you've heard a thousand times. Listen to them cry. Listen to them doubt themselves. Because, you know what? You can't change someone's mind who is hurting that much. You can only be there for them and listen. And THAT is exactly what my very best friends did for me. And, I feel like shit because I can't always be there for them now, and I can't stand it. I hope that one day I can be as great of a friend to all of you (you know who you are) as you were to me. I'm telling you, straight up, I wouldn't still be here if y'all had not been around like you were. You saved me. Please, one day, if it ever calls for it, let me save you. I will.

I'm not proud of myself very often. I actually have a very low self esteem and it's nobody's fault but my own. My heart has been broken on numerous occations, and yes, it's just as bad as you hear it is. I'm an over emotional mess sometimes, but I can't change that. I think that one day it will help me on my journey to be a writer that people can connect with. I love to write, it's my therapy for myself, and I just hope that I can make a career out of it. But, I'm scared that I won't be able to. I'm scared that I'm busting my ass for nothing. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm scared of losing another friend that I care about. I am just scared, and that's okay, because I'm human, and we're all scared sometimes. And, that's what I'm saying. These flaws we have aren't really flaws at all. They are characteristics. They make ME, me! Just like they make YOU the person that YOU ARE, too! And, it's okay to not be perfect. Embrace it. Love it. Your friends and family obviously do. I guess that's the hardest thing in life, loving yourself. And, it sucks, because you can't truly love anyone else until you form that true bond with yourself.

And then there's Russell. I remember the way my stomach dropped to my feet the first time I ever laid eyes on him. He has these deep eyes, and when he looks into mine, I feel like he can see straight into my soul. He came into my life exactly when he was meant to, and he gave me the courage I needed to walk away from someone who constantly made my life miserable. I'd been praying for so long for any sign from God that would let me know that everything was going to be okay. I will always believe that meeting Russell in that Bible as Literature class was nothing less than the sign I'd so desparately been looking for. He believes in me, and what's more than that is that he believes in US! While this may sound like just another ordinary young love, I am determined to prove that it is so much more than that. You see, from the very second we realized that our feelings towards each other were mutual, there has been this crazy passion surrounding us at all times. I crave him, even. I miss him every second that he's not around. I hate hearing silence in my house, and am always so happy when he comes back and holds me in his arms. He is extremely brilliant, unbelievably talented, honest, genuine, compassionate, generous, deep, affectionate, respectful, motivated, eager to please, thoughtful, considerate, gorgeous, and everything I've ever wished for. He is my very best friend, and nothing is as valuable to me as the memories we've made so far, the laughter we've shared, the talks about our hopes and dreams, and our plans for the future. Russell has been a blessing in my life from day one. He showed me that I am worth so much more than I ever thought. He knows every single thing about my past, and does not judge me for any of it. He does not try to change me, he just simply loves me. He is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me, and being with him has allowed me to let go of all of the regret I had concerning certain choices I've made. I now understand that I did the right thing, and this gives me proof that there is always reason to have faith in God and the trials He puts you through. All I had to offer him was a pile of pieces of my broken heart, and somehow, he has managed to put it all back together again. I will never doubt that my heart is safe with him, and it is now his to keep forever.

Finally, I want to say that I'm only human. I'm sure there are some of you that I have talked badly about, or offended, or just plain out been a bitch to. And, I'm finally at the point in my life where I can honestly say that I am sorry. You know, Maya Angelou says, "People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But, people will never forget the way you made them feel." It's so true, isn't it? Because, I know that I've been hurt. I know that I've been so angry at some people that I was willing to make a fool out of myself and raise hell at anytime or anyplace. But, I see how stupid that all is now. There's no other way to describe it. I was just being stupid. I want to be remembered in a good way, and I know that I've got a lot of work before I'll feel confident about this. Just remember that life goes on, but grudges shouldn't. So, whatever grudges I'm carrying... they're gone. Really. They have been for a while. And, it feels good. It's time to just enjoy life, because when we get down to it, it's so rare, short, and for the most part, beautiful.

So, this is who I am. Maybe you already knew. Or, possibly, you had no idea at all. At any rate, thank you for taking your time to find out.

Love,
Haley