Crazy? Okay!

It has been a long time since I last wrote, and since then, so much has happened. I have made many changes in my life in the past few months, and for the most part, these changes have been exactly what I needed. It is often difficult for me to write about decisions I make when they are as personal as my most recent ones have been. I find it easy to avoid this blog when I do things that may or may not cause anyone that reads this to judge me too harshly. To be honest, I do not really know who, if anyone, reads this blog. I do not keep up with the number of hits it gets, because for me, this blog serves as an outlet for my feelings, as they are often extremely mixed up and all over the place. But, I've decided that I would rather be criticized for standing behind the things that I do than judge myself for being too afraid to write about the things that are most important to me.

First, as most already know, I ended my relationship with Kyle a few months back. I think that it is important to be there for those that need you, but I also believe that being needed too much can take away from a relationship. Most relationships end because one person is being loved too much, while the other is not loved enough. In fact, I feel like few relationships actually end because of a lack of love. It is, instead, the lack of balance concerning that love and how it is distributed within a relationship. I have always loved Kyle, and I will ALWAYS want him to be healthy, happy, and successful. However, when I am with Kyle, I stop being myself. Over the past eight years, Kyle and I have dated on and off, and throughout it all, I'd like to say that we have remained friends. And, regardless of what people may say or believe, I absolutely do not regret being there for him when he needed me. As I helped him cope with his grief, I learned a lot about myself. I saw just how far I had truly come in my own grieving process. In order to help him understand what he was feeling, I had to go back in time in my own mind and dig through all of the immense layers of emotions stored in my memory. As he moved forward, I almost seemed to move backwards, traveling from acceptance all the way back to denial. I found myself over-analyzing each step I had taken, wondering if it was really the best move I could have made. Then, one day, I woke up, and I realized that helping him was hurting myself. His acceptance was not his at all... it  was mine. Because I care about him and want the best for him, I had to let him go. I had to let him take his own journey. I pushed him away as hard as I could, and in the end, it worked out for us both. I will always smile when I hear good things about him. I do not hate him, nor will I ever. From January 6th, 2009 to January 6th, 2010, I lost four people that I cared for deeply. I attended four funerals. I cried over four different sets of memories. I said goodbye forever four times. And, I needed to deal with these losses on my own, instead of putting all of my energy and attention into what was going on in the heart of one other person. So, I said goodbye for a fifth time, but in a totally different way. This goodbye was happy, and I said it with a smile.

After Kyle and I ended our relationship, I finally allowed myself to admit that I had been missing a certain someone very, very badly. For anyone who does not know, Russell Wofford is one of the best friends I have ever had. When we lost Brother Larry, he was my ROCK. When I could not sleep, he did not sleep, either. When I cried, he held me. When I wrote, he let me read it to him, and afterwards, we would talk about it. We talked about everything, in fact. I have no secrets from him, and even if I wanted to change that, it would not be possible, because I just cannot hide anything from him. Russell and I, without a doubt, made some huge errors in the year and a half that we were together. We are young, and we both make mistakes. The day we broke up, I'd just found out about Callie and Kyle's accident. I was already hysterical that day, as I had just been told that Uncle Randall's condition was worsening quickly, and I knew that Callie was not the only person I'd be saying goodbye to that week. I was an emotional wreck, to say the least. Russell and I did not break up over an argument or silly fight, we just stopped talking, because the best thing for both of us was to be at home for a while. I needed to be there for Kyle, who was in UAB at the time and had no memory of the wreck at all. I needed to be at home with my family and loved ones as we said goodbye to a man that we all loved and admired. And, Russell needed to be at home with his family, too. We both needed to take a few steps back from our relationship and focus on the one that matters most of all: the relationship we have with ourselves.

Now, Russell and I are together again. And, for the first time in a long time, I am very much myself. He is so smart and cares so much for me, as I do for him. He knows my dreams, and he will be there to help me make them come true. He has always understood why my love for my family and church family runs so deep, and when I get down and depressed about those I've lost, he reminds me that they loved me, too. Even though some people think I jumped back into this relationship too quickly after ending another, they must understand that neither of these relationships were new. Both Kyle and Russell have been a huge part of my life for as long as I've known them both. Russell cared enough about me to let me go when he knew that it was what I needed most, and that is a kind of love that I both understand and appreciate. It is strange, isn't it? Sometimes, the people that love us the most are the ones that do not fight us when we push them away. These people stand patiently on the sidelines, keeping us in their thoughts and prayers, until the day comes that they can re-enter our lives. Letting go of someone you love is impossibly difficult, but sometimes, it is the best thing you can do for that person. This is true love. This is what he has given me, and what I hope to give him every day. When he and I are old and covered with wrinkles, we will still be able to look at each other and smile, knowing that the lines on our faces are from a lifetime of worry and laughter. And, it will all be worth it... every single bit of it. Whether I waited one month or six years to get back together with him, it would have happened eventually. After all, soul mates are a lot like lives- you only get one, and if you worry too much about being politically correct, it will be gone before you know it.

While I understand that all of this may sound crazy, I need for everyone to understand that this is my life. This is the only life that I will ever have. This is my one chance to really experience the world. I want this experience to be everything that I ever dreamed that it would be. I want to put myself out there and help people, especially people that are going through the long, draining process of grief. I want to love and be loved. I want to be able to open my eyes and see, through all of the tears, heartache, pain, and emptiness, all of the beauty in this big, old world we live in. I want to do all of these things, and still, at the end of every day, be able to love and respect myself- both for the person I am at the time AND the person I will one day become. So, yes, it may be crazy. It may be the craziest idea I have ever had. But, in my book, crazy is not bad. It is not bad at all.