the tie that binds.

"And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come back and take you to be with me so that you also may be where I am" - John 14:3

Dear you,

It has almost been 8 months since you left this world. It seems unreal that so many months have passed since I last saw you. I still hear your voice perfectly in my head. I still smile each time I think of your laugh. I still catch myself waiting to hear your voice in the choir. I still have nights that I cry myself to sleep. Most of all, though, I still miss you. I miss you like crazy. These things may never change, but I am absolutely okay with that. I have had enough change for one year.

While we are all still confused about what happened, please know that we are not angry with you. We are simply angry that we no longer have you. I am sure you knew that we would not be mad at you for long. I am not sure, though, if you knew just how much we would all blame ourselves. I think we do this because it is the only way we can still protect you. I am not sure if you will ever know how most of us saw you. You may have thought that you made many mistakes, but none of those mistakes could ever outshine the wonderful things that you did. This still remains true today.

You were a man of many occupations, and you excelled in each one. However, you never needed a title to define you. You defined yourself. Throughout your lifetime, you traveled down many paths. You had to face many challenges along the way. From these challenges, you never backed down. You fought hard for what you believed in. What I remember most about this, though, is that you fought fairly, never forgetting the importance of tact and class.

You also helped each of us fight our own battles. If our hearts were heavy, you felt our pain. When we were happy, your face would light up with absolute joy. You treated strangers like they were your friends. You treated your friends like they were family. For many of us, you redefined the meaning of family. At the end of each sermon, you would stand in front of the alter with your arms spread open to the congregation. By opening your heart to us, you opened many of our hearts to God.

It was to God that you were most loyal. Each good deed you did was done in His name. You loved to sing about Him. You loved to thank Him. You loved to tell His story. Most of all, you loved to love Him. You showed this by really, truly, honestly LIVING. The gift of life was definitely not wasted on you. Oh, how you lived...

I still feel your presence all over the church. While many things look exactly the same way they have for the past two decades, every single part of the church feels differently than it did in the past. You were the heart of that church. You still are. It feels wrong to be there without you. It makes me feel as if I'm trespassing, almost. It reminds me of the playground at R.L. Young. I have spent many hours on that playground. I grew up, watched it change, and witnessed it grow. But, when a friend of mine and I stopped there one night this summer to pass the time, I felt like the swings just weren't meant for me anymore. I felt like I did not belong. You see, that playground meant so much to me because of the memories I made there with the kids I grew up with. The actual equipment on the playground could have been made of cardboard and it would not have made a difference. What mattered were the people there. That is how church feels for me sometimes now. It feels like a coma. We are there. Every single thing is still in working order. All of our parts still work. But, it all feels mechanical sometimes. We're getting there, though. We are moving forward, but we just aren't ready to let go yet. We need more time.

I want to thank you for meaning so much to me. Losing you forced me to take a closer look at the way I chose to live MY life. I have changed so much, and even though I would give my right arm to change things back to the way they were, I know that you are happy where you are. And, it is your turn to be happy. If anyone in the world deserves it, it is you. Thank you for watching over us, just as you always have. Thank you for being exactly who you were. Without you, the world just wouldn't be quite as beautiful.

I love you. I'll be seeing you.
Haleybug