letting go.

For the past year, I have done nothing but sit around and think about the terrible luck that I was so sure I had. I have complained about being sick, whined about the bad timing my surgeries had, and question why I had to lose someone I loved so much. I have beat myself up over so many things that, until now, I thought were my fault. I wondered what I could have done differently, where I may have went wrong, and why so many bad things continued to happen to me. I let myself slowly drown in a pool of tears, heartache, and grief. Somewhere along the way, I lost a very important part of myself. I lost my spark, my passion, and my belief that in the end, everything will be just as it is meant to be. I stopped dreaming of my future. Instead, I had dreams about my childhood, a time where every question had an answer.

Today, I went to the doctor. I have gone to him for a long time, and he knows everything that I've been through physically and emotionally. And, after running several tests, he told me that he felt like some of the health issues I've been having recently were caused by stress. He sat down and said, "Who you are now and who you were a year ago are like night and day. You used to be bubbly and happy, and now, you look like you're tied up in knots. I'm worried about you. I want you to be healthy and happy." You know what? He was exactly right. I have been too stressed for too long, and even though I did not know it could, it has really affected my health, personality, image, and relationships. At one point in time, I thought that treating my anxiety meant that I could not handle it myself. Now, I realize that it is perfectly okay to need help sometimes. Treating anxiety does not make me weak. It does, however, make me optimistic that the parts of myself that have been lost in the past year CAN be found again.

It is time for me to learn how to let go. Nobody wants to let go of the things that matter to him/her the most. It is human nature to desire to keep that which makes us most happy. We want our loved ones to always be around. We grow up, learn about ourselves, and decide what we want to be when we grow up. And, at some point in our lives, we realize who really matters to us. I could write a book about all of the people that surrounded me as I grew up, influenced me, loved me, and helped make me who I am today. I would do anything imaginable to protect these people from ever feeling an ounce of pain, illness, or heartbreak. As the years have passed, I have had to say goodbye to some of these people. This year, something crossed my mind that I'd never thought about before. And, I cannot stop thinking about it. I hate thinking that chances are high that I will have to say goodbye to most of these people at some point in my life. I am thinking realistically, which further shows me just how much I have changed. When I look at these people, these wonderful, loving, kind, and generous people, they all look exactly the same as they always have. I guess I forgot that they had birthdays, too. I think I just always believed that they never grew older. If I do write that book I mentioned earlier, I am going to let the readers believe this, too. However, in real life, I have to accept that I am not the one who gets to write their stories. Even though I fear losing them, I have to let go. I am not in control.

Letting go does not mean that I am over it. Letting go does not mean that I no longer care. Letting go just means that I have given up on my mission to do the impossible, which is to change what cannot be changed. Letting go means that I understand that I can only control certain things in life. Letting go makes me feel like I do not have to feel guilty for having really good days, laughing until I cry, or thinking of someone I miss with a smile instead of tears. Letting go is not about winning or losing, fighting or surrendering, or failure and success. Letting go is about growing up and being thankful for all that I have been blessed with during my life.

I have finally found a sense of peace that I have not had for a long time. I am okay. Most of all, I am so very thankful to each person that has brought joy into my life.

"We find by losing. We hold fast by letting go. We become something new by ceasing to be something old. This seems to be close to the heart of that mystery. I know no more now than I ever did about the far side of death as the last letting-go of all, but now I know that I do not need to know, and that I do not need to be afraid of not knowing. God knows. That is all that matters." Frederick Buechner