"I forgot to remember to forget."

Today, I was looking through some of my old blog entries, and I came across the series I'd written as I went through the 5 stages of grief after Brother Larry's death. As I read each one, starting with denial, I could literally feel the way I felt the day I wrote each one. I felt the false hope, the anger, the desperation, the sadness, and the surrender. Strangely enough, it only made me realize how far I've come since then, which comforted me. It made me feel optimistic that one day, life might almost feel normal again.

Sometimes, remembering someone can be just as painful as it is wonderful. But, the memories are something to hold onto, and when they're all you've got, you will cling to them for dear life. For me, remembering the people I've lost in the past two years is a process full of mixed emotions and different methods of healing. When I remember Uncle Randall, I think of the way he told stories. I think of the deep lines in his face, and how his skin felt like paper. I think of how I never once saw him without khaki slacks on. And, I feel peaceful when I remember him, because I cannot bear to remember him the way he was during chemotherapy and radiation. I prefer thinking of him as the angel in khakis drinking coffee and spreading his wings.

When I remember Callie, my stomach just hits the floor. To this day, I cannot fathom why someone as full of life as she would have such a tragic fate. She had an incredible laugh, and if you knew her, you could pick her out from a crowd by the sound of that trademark laugh. But, wonderful things have been done in her memory, and I know that she has had a hand in all of it. She was a go-getter, full of spunk and enthusiasm, and is probably one of the hardest working angels Heaven has ever seen. Everyone misses her so much, though, and it just does not seem fair. I hate seeing her closest friends struggle with this, because I cannot imagine what I would do if my very best friend died. I know that Callie surrounds them as they go through their own healing process.

When I remember Grandmother, I always end up laughing. We all have the funniest "One time, Grandmother..." stories, and when we're all laughing together, I swear I can almost hear her laughing, too. I am at peace with my Grandmother's death, because she had always been healthy and active, and had been so miserable and depressed in the months leading up to her death. She was in pain constantly. And, I cannot bear to think of someone I love as much as I loved (and still do!) my grandmother go from extremely active to barely able to move around her house. I wish I had gotten to say goodbye to her, but even if I had gotten the chance, I probably would not have been able to do it. I am not ready to say goodbye to my only grandparent. I would have been her first grandchild to graduate from college. When I get married, I won't have a "Grandmother of the bride" escorted to her seat. The thought of it leaves a lump in my throat.

The hardest one for me is still Brother Larry. It is really hard for me to write about this, because it is something so deeply imprinted in my soul. A few months ago, my mom made copies of our church's (Alpine Baptist) 175th anniversary celebration DVD. Russell was sitting in the chair and I was laying on my bed when we decided to watch it. As soon as I saw Brother Larry and heard his wonderful, beautiful voice that I'd missed for so, so long, tears just starting rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably. And, it was all out of joy, because I could see him, and he was alive and well and happy and laughing and singing...... I felt like I was in a time machine, and we'd gone back to a year when everyone was so much more innocent, and people believed that nothing horrible could ever happen to such a wonderful group of people.

Unfortunately, there is no time machine, so I have no choice but to continue this process of holding on enough to feel comfort, but letting go enough to heal. When it all boils down to it, though, I think I will always forget to remember to forget, both purposely and unintentionally, if that is possible. And, I will be okay. I have always heard that everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it is not the end. That is all that I need to know.