The reason I started writing a few years ago is simple. I was living in Tuscaloosa, and I went through some pretty rough times. Because of the secretive nature of the situation, I held everything in, rather than talk them out with someone. One day, I just sat down at the computer and began typing. And, the words just kind of formed themselves, almost like my fingers had a mind of their own. It gave me the greatest feeling afterwards, like someone had lifted an enormous weight off of my chest. It made me feel like I could breathe again, which is quite exhilarating to someone that had been afraid to exhale for so long. Ever since then, writing has been a huge part of my persona. Words are my thing. They are my ticket to wherever it is in life that I decide I want to go. In all honesty, my love for writing has saved me more times than I can count.
Somewhere along the way, I started this blog. At first, it was just something that I was going to try out. However, it quickly became a representative of my soul, allowing the public to see straight into the smallest corners of my being. It was here that I dealt with the loss of loved ones by putting what I was feeling into words. This gave me the ability to look at the situation from the outside in, which gave me a better grasp on things. Once again, my passion for writing saved me, and it continued to do so each time I relapsed and took two steps back in the grieving process instead of one step forward. It evolved from a hobby to a way of life, and fortunately, it was a much healthier way of life than the alternatives I'd previously encountered. It has become a part of my identity, and in all honesty, I think that one of the best parts of me is the intense passion I have for writing.
This is precisely what makes it so hard to walk away from this blog. I have decided that I will leave everything exactly as it is now until I figure out what it is that I wish to do. I do not want to make a rash decision that I will regret just because I am upset, frustrated, and bothered. Because I have to worry about everything I write being offensive to someone that has nothing to do with what I am saying, I am unable to write from my heart. And, even when I have a perfect explanation for the misunderstanding, I feel angry at the idea of having to defend myself for something that I never meant to imply. I promised myself that if I ever felt like I had to write what others wanted to read, instead of what I wanted to say, I would stop and move on. This is not a jab at anyone in particular, and I feel like I have to repeat this just to avoid stepping on anyone's toes. And, that is exactly why I cannot do this anymore. It is not doing anything positive for me. Instead, it raises questions, hurts feelings, and provokes drama, That is exactly what I did NOT want to happen, and I'm incredibly upset that it has come to this. I honestly do not know what I'm going to do without this outlet in my life, which is why I am considering starting fresh with a new blog without ever sharing the web address. Or, I may just bring back the typewriter like it is a hot, new product. Regardless of what I decide to do, I can assure you I will continue to write my little heart out. And, that is the only thing about all of this that truly matters to me.
Maybe this is how it was all meant to be. Maybe the dark clouds are finally parting, and the urge to leave this part of my journey behind is nothing more than the sunshine peeking through the clouds as they surrender and go their separate ways. Maybe all of this is the beginning of the search for something more. Maybe this is a hunt for former clarity. Or, maybe this is just what comes after the blues.
forever and almost always,
Haley Lauren Thomas
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