My mother bore me in the southern wild,
And I am black, but O, my soul is white!
White as an angel is the English child,
But I am black, as if bereaved of light.
My mother taught me underneath a tree,
And, sitting down before the heat of day,
She took me on her lap and kissèd me,
And, pointing to the East, began to say:
'Look at the rising sun: there God does live,
And gives His light, and gives His heat away,
And flowers and trees and beasts and men receive
Comfort in morning, joy in the noonday.
'And we are put on earth a little space,
That we may learn to bear the beams of love;
And these black bodies and this sunburnt face
Are but a cloud, and like a shady grove.
'For when our souls have learn'd the heat to bear,
The cloud will vanish, we shall hear His voice,
Saying, "Come out from the grove, my love and care,
And round my golden tent like lambs rejoice."'
Thus did my mother say, and kissèd me,
And thus I say to little English boy.
When I from black and he from white cloud free,
And round the tent of God like lambs we joy,
I'll shade him from the heat till he can bear
To lean in joy upon our Father's knee;
And then I'll stand and stroke his silver hair,
And be like him, and he will then love me.
William Blake’s “The Little Black Boy” is a poem that is narrated by a young black boy during a period of time when slavery was still legal. Many people who read this poem seem to have a problem deciding if Blake projects a view that a stereotypical black child of this time would be thought to have, or if he actually shows readers an accurate version of the child. As for myself, I absolutely do not believe that Blake had any intention of insulting or criticizing any race. The image of the little boy that I see is of one who has been brought up to believe that he is to protect the little white boy. He has been raised believing that white represents all things that are good, which is shown when the black boy insists in the second line that his soul is white. What I am seeing here is a young boy who has lived his entire life serving people who are different from him. These people are all white. While he’s grown up physically serving white people, he has been spiritually serving God. In the third line, he compares the white English child to an angel. This further proves that in this day, white was often thought to mean pure, heavenly, and good. On the other hand, black was thought to represent death and evil. Just when I was about to believe that Blake was a bit racist, I read the fourth line. This line explains that the boy feels “bereaved of light”, which means that he has been blocked from the sun. I took this to mean that he felt that his dark colored skin would prevent God from seeing him in the same way He saw the young English boy. From the very moment I read this line, I have believed that the image Blake was attempting to portray was not one that taunted a race. Instead, I believe that Blake felt very strongly against these racial stereotypes. Since this was in a time with the slavery movements were just beginning, perhaps Blake found that the best way he could contribute to the cause would be to give everyone a new insight on what it was really like to grow up as a slave. Blake’s point in presenting this certain image was to educate white Americans in the hope that they would see how unfair slavery was. I think that the reason Blake writes about the black child questioning God is to mock Christians who were supporters of slavery being legal. It seems as if Blake believed that since God created all men, then they should all be treated as equals. By having his young narrator express the belief that God would see him as being less worthy than His white believers, Blake manages to show his readers what their actions were implying about their belief in God and His word. Blake presents a connection between God and the sun, and I find it ironic that the color black is known to absorb and retain heat from sunlight, while white is known for staying cooler and reflecting sunlight. Also, Blake implies that the black boy is not bothered by the heat, and seems to be used to it. I believe Blake was implying that the black child had been a faithful servant his entire life. Because he maintained his faith in God through all of these trials and hard times, the black boy is much closer to God than the English boy.
Blake’s description of a black boy’s thoughts shows readers an image that makes fun of the stereotypical black person while also showing how he feels about this stereotype. Many readers believe that this image is too stereotypical, which often causes them to misunderstand the rest of the poem. I find that by making the black child so eager to be seen as an equal to the white boy, Blake was trying to emphasize the ridiculous idea that an entire race of God’s people could be convinced to believe that they were made by God with the purpose to serve the white race. By using a young child, Blake is able to present an innocent point of view. If he had used an adult black man, the poem would have had an angry tone rather than an honest one. It is even possible that Blake predicted that his readers would feel more sympathy for a child, even if the child was a slave. I am also aware of many stories from the slave era that describe the black women as being comforting, caring, and dedicated mothers. However, in this poem, every verb describing an action made by the mother is in past tense. This led me to believe that she had passed away, and he was simply remembering what she’d told him at some point in the past. While this does play into the comforting mother stereotype, I do not think that Blake had any negative implications or intentions.
I do not think that Blake’s use of a stereotypical black child makes this poem any less effective. Blake uses this stereotype to show readers that no matter how white people treated black people on Earth, they would be treated as equals in Heaven. It seems as if he’s making a desperate attempt to show that the young black child seems as if he would do anything in the world for God’s love. This being said, it also seems as if Blake is implying that white people believed that they deserved to go to Heaven. Clearly, he stereotyped white people, too. I think that he did this to show that stereotypes are hurtful for everyone. Blake also stereotypes God, using the well-known description of a strong and powerful God with silver hair. Also, he describes Heaven as a “golden tent”, which goes along with the popular image of a heaven filled with streets of gold. If anything, Blake’s use of stereotypes gives significance to the entire poem. Without it, it would not prove a thing. Blake understands that as a writer, one must grab everyone’s attention in order to get his/her views out there and heard. When dealing with a controversial issue, a writer must be willing to take risks. Blake took that risk, and because he did, he showed his support for the fight to abolish slavery.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Book Review for Love by Toni Morrison
Literary Analysis Book 3
Haley L. Thomas
Title: Love
Author: Toni Morrison
Publishing Company and Location: Random House/New York, New York
Copyright Date: 2003
Literary Genre: Realism
Setting: This novel is set during the 1990’s on the East American coast country, in a small town named Silk. The place where most of the story takes place in a large house on 1 Monarch Street, which was home to the three Cosey women: Heed, May, and Christine. Each of these women are related to the late Bill Cosey, who owned a very prominent hotel. The hotel is the setting of many of the flashbacks had by different characters in the book, seeing as most of the characters either worked at the hotel, or had an experience with someone who did.
Significance of the Time Period: This time period was significant because it shows readers that no matter how much time has passed, and no matter how much people may try to claim that everything is different than when they were young, nothing ever really changes. Women in the 1990’s were no more sexually promiscuous than women in any decade. However, the women of the nineties were less inclined to hide this behavior.
Plot Type: This story and its plot are both character-driven, and the story is presented to readers in a way that a mystery story would be. Instead of the mystery being “Who did it?” as it is in many mysteries, the question lies in finding out who each person is and why he/she did the things that he/she did. While the plot seems very complex throughout the book, it ends up being quite simple.
Plot Summary: This is a book about love. However, this is not a story of two lovers who have to fight to stay together. This is a book that tells stories of paternal and maternal love, love for one’s self, romantic love, jealous love, hateful love, the love of friendship, finding love, and finding out that the love that was thought to exists never really existed at all.
This novel tells the story of six women who all had different types of love for a man who owned a prominent hotel. Bill Cosey has a different role in each character’s life. He plays the part of a father, boss, lover, friend, enemy, mystery, and husband. However, it quickly becomes obvious that he is much more than that. His character seems to be the center of the entire novel, even though he is already dead during the present time of the novel.
As I turned each page, and moved from chapter to chapter, each person’s mystery began to unfold. I understood and sympathized with each character, no matter how unusual that may seem to someone who has not read this book. I learned why May went insane. I figured out what turned Heed and Christine’s childhood friendship into a relationship that sat on the thin line that separates love and hate. I learned where Junior came from, and who she really is. I found out where Christine went during her famous disappearance, and why she even left in the first place. Slowly, but with interest, I found out who L was, even though I never even learned her real name.
This novel tells the story of a family who is quietly misunderstood. Heed and Christine are the same age, and when Heed marries Christine’s grandfather (Bill Cosey) at the age of 11, they begin to fight for his attention and affection. Since he was in his fifties during the time of this marriage, there was much confusion over his love towards a girl of such a young age. There is a strong tension between the two girls, and this tension begins to involve Christine’s mother, May, who feels the need to defend her daughter. During all of this drama, L’s character plays the part of the peacemaker. And, Morrison includes a woman named Celestial, who was Mr. Cosey’s lover. There is also a woman named Vida, who considered Mr. Cosey a saint because he gave her a job at his hotel that was much better than the one she had at a cannery.
The men in the story are also significant, and we learn quite a bit about what each of them are hiding, as well. First, of course, is Mr. Cosey. At first, he seems like a man who took advantage of his power, and could have anything that he wanted. He married a young girl and never felt the need to explain why he did this. He had a lover on the side. He spent his entire life around women who wanted nothing more than to be his favorite. Mr. Cosey displayed many different forms of love throughout this novel, although none of these forms ever seemed to be enough for the person who was receiving this love. Next, we learn about Vida’s husband, Sandler, who was a good friend of Mr. Cosey’s. Sandler and Vida have a grandson named Romen, who ends up falling for Junior, a girl who is taken in by Heed to assist her in taking care of personal business.
The actual story does not lie in the plot. The plot, in all actuality, is quite simple. However, it’s in the way that the plot unfolds. This is a story about a love that is so complex that even the characters do not immediately notice its existence. There is no mystery in the plot. Instead, the mystery lies in each of the characters. The plot is simple. However, the characters are anything but that.
Point of View: This book is written in third person, and is sometimes narrated by the character L. Readers are able to see the thoughts of each character.
Tone: Morrison uses a tone that encourages readers to find a reason to be sympathetic towards each of the characters. Although it may sound strange, in the end, it is easy to understand the motives of each character. The tone of the novel is mysterious, while also being very revealing.
Diction: The dialogue in this novel perfectly captures the way I thought each character would sound if they were speaking. Some of the characters are less educated than others, and the dialogue reflects this. Even the thoughts of each character captured the essence of who that character really was, and through this, readers are allowed to understand the difference in what these people were thought to be and who they actually were.
Organization: At first, it does not seem as if this novel is organized at all. However, the flashbacks begin to make sense and seem to come at the appropriate time. The title of each chapter also happens to be the main subject of the chapter.
Readability: This is not an easy novel to read. If even one word is missed, the meaning of the entire sentence disappears. In my opinion, anyone under the age of 16 would not have the patience and depth required to fully understand this novel.
Content: This book contains mature and adult content, and for this reason, I would be very careful in who I advised to read it. It contains graphic descriptions of sexual encounters, and the significance of these scenes would be lost on a young reader.
Significance of the Title: There absolutely could not be a more appropriate title for this book. Love is what each character in the book craves the most, and understands the least.
Unique Literary Devices: Morrison uses symbolism throughout this novel. For example, she uses the idea of a silver spoon, a serpent, a trumpet, and a set of unforgettable eyes to present ideas that are not directly written in the text.
Use of Novel in the Classroom: I would only teach this novel in a college level classroom, simply because I think that it would not be appreciated by high school students. There are many layers to this book, and it takes a willing reader to uncover each layer. There is language in this novel that is significant to the story, but would probably offend the parents of a younger child. To be honest, I have seen a teacher get in trouble for teaching this book in my high school, and I can understand why parents were upset, even though personally, I would not be.
Haley L. Thomas
Title: Love
Author: Toni Morrison
Publishing Company and Location: Random House/New York, New York
Copyright Date: 2003
Literary Genre: Realism
Setting: This novel is set during the 1990’s on the East American coast country, in a small town named Silk. The place where most of the story takes place in a large house on 1 Monarch Street, which was home to the three Cosey women: Heed, May, and Christine. Each of these women are related to the late Bill Cosey, who owned a very prominent hotel. The hotel is the setting of many of the flashbacks had by different characters in the book, seeing as most of the characters either worked at the hotel, or had an experience with someone who did.
Significance of the Time Period: This time period was significant because it shows readers that no matter how much time has passed, and no matter how much people may try to claim that everything is different than when they were young, nothing ever really changes. Women in the 1990’s were no more sexually promiscuous than women in any decade. However, the women of the nineties were less inclined to hide this behavior.
Plot Type: This story and its plot are both character-driven, and the story is presented to readers in a way that a mystery story would be. Instead of the mystery being “Who did it?” as it is in many mysteries, the question lies in finding out who each person is and why he/she did the things that he/she did. While the plot seems very complex throughout the book, it ends up being quite simple.
Plot Summary: This is a book about love. However, this is not a story of two lovers who have to fight to stay together. This is a book that tells stories of paternal and maternal love, love for one’s self, romantic love, jealous love, hateful love, the love of friendship, finding love, and finding out that the love that was thought to exists never really existed at all.
This novel tells the story of six women who all had different types of love for a man who owned a prominent hotel. Bill Cosey has a different role in each character’s life. He plays the part of a father, boss, lover, friend, enemy, mystery, and husband. However, it quickly becomes obvious that he is much more than that. His character seems to be the center of the entire novel, even though he is already dead during the present time of the novel.
As I turned each page, and moved from chapter to chapter, each person’s mystery began to unfold. I understood and sympathized with each character, no matter how unusual that may seem to someone who has not read this book. I learned why May went insane. I figured out what turned Heed and Christine’s childhood friendship into a relationship that sat on the thin line that separates love and hate. I learned where Junior came from, and who she really is. I found out where Christine went during her famous disappearance, and why she even left in the first place. Slowly, but with interest, I found out who L was, even though I never even learned her real name.
This novel tells the story of a family who is quietly misunderstood. Heed and Christine are the same age, and when Heed marries Christine’s grandfather (Bill Cosey) at the age of 11, they begin to fight for his attention and affection. Since he was in his fifties during the time of this marriage, there was much confusion over his love towards a girl of such a young age. There is a strong tension between the two girls, and this tension begins to involve Christine’s mother, May, who feels the need to defend her daughter. During all of this drama, L’s character plays the part of the peacemaker. And, Morrison includes a woman named Celestial, who was Mr. Cosey’s lover. There is also a woman named Vida, who considered Mr. Cosey a saint because he gave her a job at his hotel that was much better than the one she had at a cannery.
The men in the story are also significant, and we learn quite a bit about what each of them are hiding, as well. First, of course, is Mr. Cosey. At first, he seems like a man who took advantage of his power, and could have anything that he wanted. He married a young girl and never felt the need to explain why he did this. He had a lover on the side. He spent his entire life around women who wanted nothing more than to be his favorite. Mr. Cosey displayed many different forms of love throughout this novel, although none of these forms ever seemed to be enough for the person who was receiving this love. Next, we learn about Vida’s husband, Sandler, who was a good friend of Mr. Cosey’s. Sandler and Vida have a grandson named Romen, who ends up falling for Junior, a girl who is taken in by Heed to assist her in taking care of personal business.
The actual story does not lie in the plot. The plot, in all actuality, is quite simple. However, it’s in the way that the plot unfolds. This is a story about a love that is so complex that even the characters do not immediately notice its existence. There is no mystery in the plot. Instead, the mystery lies in each of the characters. The plot is simple. However, the characters are anything but that.
Point of View: This book is written in third person, and is sometimes narrated by the character L. Readers are able to see the thoughts of each character.
Tone: Morrison uses a tone that encourages readers to find a reason to be sympathetic towards each of the characters. Although it may sound strange, in the end, it is easy to understand the motives of each character. The tone of the novel is mysterious, while also being very revealing.
Diction: The dialogue in this novel perfectly captures the way I thought each character would sound if they were speaking. Some of the characters are less educated than others, and the dialogue reflects this. Even the thoughts of each character captured the essence of who that character really was, and through this, readers are allowed to understand the difference in what these people were thought to be and who they actually were.
Organization: At first, it does not seem as if this novel is organized at all. However, the flashbacks begin to make sense and seem to come at the appropriate time. The title of each chapter also happens to be the main subject of the chapter.
Readability: This is not an easy novel to read. If even one word is missed, the meaning of the entire sentence disappears. In my opinion, anyone under the age of 16 would not have the patience and depth required to fully understand this novel.
Content: This book contains mature and adult content, and for this reason, I would be very careful in who I advised to read it. It contains graphic descriptions of sexual encounters, and the significance of these scenes would be lost on a young reader.
Significance of the Title: There absolutely could not be a more appropriate title for this book. Love is what each character in the book craves the most, and understands the least.
Unique Literary Devices: Morrison uses symbolism throughout this novel. For example, she uses the idea of a silver spoon, a serpent, a trumpet, and a set of unforgettable eyes to present ideas that are not directly written in the text.
Use of Novel in the Classroom: I would only teach this novel in a college level classroom, simply because I think that it would not be appreciated by high school students. There are many layers to this book, and it takes a willing reader to uncover each layer. There is language in this novel that is significant to the story, but would probably offend the parents of a younger child. To be honest, I have seen a teacher get in trouble for teaching this book in my high school, and I can understand why parents were upset, even though personally, I would not be.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
-story of a girl-
Broken girl, damaged girl,
how are you going to change the world?
Thinking fast, walking slow,
through the wind, rain, and snow.
She's leaving town, escaping pain,
and nothing will ever be the same.
What is she doing? Where will she go?
The healing girl just does not know.
She's searching for someone to show her the way
to a new starting place where she can stay.
Her heart is aching, but she's becoming strong,
and the fear she carried is now long gone.
Growing girl, wiser girl
(as rare and valued as a pearl)
slowly re-opened the doors to her heart,
and the girl's new life could finally start.
The pretty girl believes in fate,
and through this lesson she met her mate.
Before she knew it, she began to fall,
and none of the past even mattered at all.
-Haley
PS- I wrote this in class the other day. I'm no better at poetry than I've ever been, but this one has special meaning :) So, I decided to share!
how are you going to change the world?
Thinking fast, walking slow,
through the wind, rain, and snow.
She's leaving town, escaping pain,
and nothing will ever be the same.
What is she doing? Where will she go?
The healing girl just does not know.
She's searching for someone to show her the way
to a new starting place where she can stay.
Her heart is aching, but she's becoming strong,
and the fear she carried is now long gone.
Growing girl, wiser girl
(as rare and valued as a pearl)
slowly re-opened the doors to her heart,
and the girl's new life could finally start.
The pretty girl believes in fate,
and through this lesson she met her mate.
Before she knew it, she began to fall,
and none of the past even mattered at all.
-Haley
PS- I wrote this in class the other day. I'm no better at poetry than I've ever been, but this one has special meaning :) So, I decided to share!
I'm terrible, I know!
I finally updated my stupid livejournal account. I'm going to do better... I promise. In case you forgot, it's asmartblonde.livejournal.com :)
xoxo
hlt
xoxo
hlt
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Life.
Life.
It's a four letter word used millions of times each day. Every single person has been given this word. Every single person knows that it exists. Every single person knows that it can be taken away in any given moment. Somehow, it is possible to package every single moment a person ever has into one four letter word. This word has more meaning than any other word that has ever existed.
Life. New lives begin every single second. People are drawn to babies, because there is something so refreshing in knowing that this little, tiny person will grow into someone who has dreams, hopes, and plans. Each new life gives us reason to hope. Each birth gives us reason to look back on our own lives, and wonder how much of a difference we've made, or will ever make, or if we even matter at all. Life is a funny thing, isn't it? We begin it completely naked, scared, crying, and alone, and we spend the rest of it making sure we are not any of those things at the moment of our death.
Life. It begins, it exists, and then it's over. And, the biggest hope that we have for each life is that it is not wasted. And, whether or not we want to admit it, each of us struggle each day to prove that our life means something to the world. Each of us are terrified that our life will not matter after our death. Every person who is ever born strives to do something worth remembering. We're always on the search to find our way, our fate, our reason for existance, and it's almost as if we never feel worthy of the life we've been given. We go out of our way to convince ourselves that we are loved by others, and that we deserve that love. The truth is, I'm not sure that there is a single person out there who makes the most of their life. There comes a time in every life where we ask, "What's the point?". Sometimes, this question surfaces after we lose someone that we love. Other times, this question is asked when we lose a part of ourselves. We often get lost in a sea of our life's twists and turns, and it's at this moment when we figure out that it is not possible to determine the worth of our own life. And, we begin to realize that after a certain amount of time, love, laughter, and memories, we stop being a group of people who each have separate lives. At this very moment, we morph into a group of people who's lives have all meshed together. One life fails to matter without the next. And, we tend to find comfort in the fact that our life is no longer defined by what it is when it stands alone.
They say that the best things in life are free. This statement is often made after one finds hope in the innocent words of children, hears the lyrics of a favorite song, or looks into the eyes of their true love. And, if you're really lucky, the luckiest person in the world, this person will love you back. And, it is in moments like these that we truly believe that these wonderful parts of life are free.
They also say that nothing in life comes without cost. This, in a way that I cannot explain, is just as true as the statement above. Life is a series of images, decisions, conflict, crossroads, and ideas. And, no matter what we do, there is no way to make the right choices concerning each of these things. Which images are worth remembering? Do we remember the moments that made us the happiest? Or, do we choose to retain the memories of the times that taught us lessons? What is more important? Sometimes, they pass us by like cars on the interstate. Other times, we're stunned, and these instances become more than just images, or decisions, or conflicts. These instances become the moments that live on forever, and we aren't given the chance to say if they matter enought to be remembered. And, no matter how hard we may try to forget, we aren't able, and we are not meant to. These moments become who we are, and in turn, add definition to our lives.
Life. Life is a journey, if you choose for it to be. Life is an ongoing adventure, if you want. Sometimes, we choose to travel alone. Other times, we allow others to read the map for us, and interpret just what direction should be taken next. Often, along this journey, we allow others to take the wheel, as well as our hearts, and it's in the times that we have the least control that we learn the most about ourselves. If we make the wrong decision, then the person who reaches the destination at the end of the journey will not be who we're meant to be at all. It's easy to get lost out there, and if this ever does happen, there are only two choices. We can either find the person that we used to be, or leave that person in the past forever. Sometimes, taking the wrong paths and making the wrong decisions really are better for us than taking the right path and making the right decisions. Sometimes it's necessary to step outside of the person you've been in order to find out who you're meant to be, or who you want to be, or who you already are.
Do we make the moments in our life? Or, do the moments in our life make us? How long does it take to change a life? Can a life change in an instant, or are the events that lead to the certain instand responsible for the changes that it causes? Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If just one life can make a real impact on the world? Or, if the every day choices that we make really matter in the long run? Are our fates predetermined, or do we ultimately choose the person we are when it's all said and done? Perhaps life only really matters because these questions exist in each of our minds. They give us reason to get out of bed each morning. They give us reason to keep our eyes and minds open. They give us reason to search for meaning. They give us meaning to find love. These questions don't ever have to be answered in order to really matter. In the case of life, the real meaning is found in the chances we take in our search for the answers, and the people we meet and love along the way.
Life should not be wasted with efforts to make it last forever. Every life, at some point, has to end. This will never change. There is an end to everything, and this fact alone should prove the importance of every minute of every single life. Do not fear the end. Every song has high notes, low notes, background music, and lead vocals. And, without each of these vital parts, a song could not possibly be complete. In each life, there are times that we experience high moments, and there are times where we've never felt lower. Sometimes, we must take the back seat and watch someone else become the center of attention. Other times, we must have the courage to speak out and step in front of the rest. Every song has an ending, but does this mean that we shouldn't enjoy each note from the beginning to the end?
Life. Maybe it's just a four letter world. But, when each letter stands alone, it has no meaning. However, when put together in the right order, it means EVERYTHING.
It's a four letter word used millions of times each day. Every single person has been given this word. Every single person knows that it exists. Every single person knows that it can be taken away in any given moment. Somehow, it is possible to package every single moment a person ever has into one four letter word. This word has more meaning than any other word that has ever existed.
Life. New lives begin every single second. People are drawn to babies, because there is something so refreshing in knowing that this little, tiny person will grow into someone who has dreams, hopes, and plans. Each new life gives us reason to hope. Each birth gives us reason to look back on our own lives, and wonder how much of a difference we've made, or will ever make, or if we even matter at all. Life is a funny thing, isn't it? We begin it completely naked, scared, crying, and alone, and we spend the rest of it making sure we are not any of those things at the moment of our death.
Life. It begins, it exists, and then it's over. And, the biggest hope that we have for each life is that it is not wasted. And, whether or not we want to admit it, each of us struggle each day to prove that our life means something to the world. Each of us are terrified that our life will not matter after our death. Every person who is ever born strives to do something worth remembering. We're always on the search to find our way, our fate, our reason for existance, and it's almost as if we never feel worthy of the life we've been given. We go out of our way to convince ourselves that we are loved by others, and that we deserve that love. The truth is, I'm not sure that there is a single person out there who makes the most of their life. There comes a time in every life where we ask, "What's the point?". Sometimes, this question surfaces after we lose someone that we love. Other times, this question is asked when we lose a part of ourselves. We often get lost in a sea of our life's twists and turns, and it's at this moment when we figure out that it is not possible to determine the worth of our own life. And, we begin to realize that after a certain amount of time, love, laughter, and memories, we stop being a group of people who each have separate lives. At this very moment, we morph into a group of people who's lives have all meshed together. One life fails to matter without the next. And, we tend to find comfort in the fact that our life is no longer defined by what it is when it stands alone.
They say that the best things in life are free. This statement is often made after one finds hope in the innocent words of children, hears the lyrics of a favorite song, or looks into the eyes of their true love. And, if you're really lucky, the luckiest person in the world, this person will love you back. And, it is in moments like these that we truly believe that these wonderful parts of life are free.
They also say that nothing in life comes without cost. This, in a way that I cannot explain, is just as true as the statement above. Life is a series of images, decisions, conflict, crossroads, and ideas. And, no matter what we do, there is no way to make the right choices concerning each of these things. Which images are worth remembering? Do we remember the moments that made us the happiest? Or, do we choose to retain the memories of the times that taught us lessons? What is more important? Sometimes, they pass us by like cars on the interstate. Other times, we're stunned, and these instances become more than just images, or decisions, or conflicts. These instances become the moments that live on forever, and we aren't given the chance to say if they matter enought to be remembered. And, no matter how hard we may try to forget, we aren't able, and we are not meant to. These moments become who we are, and in turn, add definition to our lives.
Life. Life is a journey, if you choose for it to be. Life is an ongoing adventure, if you want. Sometimes, we choose to travel alone. Other times, we allow others to read the map for us, and interpret just what direction should be taken next. Often, along this journey, we allow others to take the wheel, as well as our hearts, and it's in the times that we have the least control that we learn the most about ourselves. If we make the wrong decision, then the person who reaches the destination at the end of the journey will not be who we're meant to be at all. It's easy to get lost out there, and if this ever does happen, there are only two choices. We can either find the person that we used to be, or leave that person in the past forever. Sometimes, taking the wrong paths and making the wrong decisions really are better for us than taking the right path and making the right decisions. Sometimes it's necessary to step outside of the person you've been in order to find out who you're meant to be, or who you want to be, or who you already are.
Do we make the moments in our life? Or, do the moments in our life make us? How long does it take to change a life? Can a life change in an instant, or are the events that lead to the certain instand responsible for the changes that it causes? Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If just one life can make a real impact on the world? Or, if the every day choices that we make really matter in the long run? Are our fates predetermined, or do we ultimately choose the person we are when it's all said and done? Perhaps life only really matters because these questions exist in each of our minds. They give us reason to get out of bed each morning. They give us reason to keep our eyes and minds open. They give us reason to search for meaning. They give us meaning to find love. These questions don't ever have to be answered in order to really matter. In the case of life, the real meaning is found in the chances we take in our search for the answers, and the people we meet and love along the way.
Life should not be wasted with efforts to make it last forever. Every life, at some point, has to end. This will never change. There is an end to everything, and this fact alone should prove the importance of every minute of every single life. Do not fear the end. Every song has high notes, low notes, background music, and lead vocals. And, without each of these vital parts, a song could not possibly be complete. In each life, there are times that we experience high moments, and there are times where we've never felt lower. Sometimes, we must take the back seat and watch someone else become the center of attention. Other times, we must have the courage to speak out and step in front of the rest. Every song has an ending, but does this mean that we shouldn't enjoy each note from the beginning to the end?
Life. Maybe it's just a four letter world. But, when each letter stands alone, it has no meaning. However, when put together in the right order, it means EVERYTHING.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Who I Am.
You know what I've found out? People either dislike you because they don't know you well enough or because they know you too well and they don't like what they've come to know. I'm not sure which I'd prefer, or which is better or worse, but to me, someone disliking you because they don't know enough just isn't fair. So, I'm going to through myself out there, again, and let you choose for yourself.
When I first wake up, I immediately look at the clock and wonder if I'm able to sqeeze even five more minutes of sleep in. I love sleep, I do. And, it's in the minutes when you're trying to relax before falling asleep that you have the best talks with yourself and God, if you choose. Sometimes, before I sleep, I replay the day in my head and wonder if I could have done something different. Of course, I always find that I could have, and sometimes I lose sleep over that. But, it's necessary, and I always wonder if other people are just like me. So, I look at some people who can fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow, and I find myself envious that I worry too much to do the same.
As much as you may have heard different, I absolutely hate conflict. I know that I have the skills I need to defend myself, but I don't like to be put in situations where I feel it necessary to use those skills. I hate it. I hate questioning myself over and over, always wondering if I'm in the wrong and I'm just too blind and stubborn to see it. I hate wondering if I have falsely judged someone, like we all have, and if maybe I lost a good friend because I misunderstood the tone of someone's voice, or just met them on a really terrible day. Maybe it's the beauty of life that you just never know what someone else has gone through on any given day. Maybe they call things "the beauty of life" because everyone feels too shitty to say that it just plain sucks that we can't know everything. Possibly, we'd never learn if we had all the information up front, and the beauty of making new friends and getting to know them would be taken from our lives completely. Like I said earlier, I worry too much. I think too much. I always have, and unless I take my xanax like I'm told, I always will.
I did not become very close to my parents until last year. Of course, I always loved them, and they always loved me and went out of their way to make sure I had what I needed. I took advantage of them on a daily basis, and they finally got tired of it. They made me live in a shitty apartment, put me on a budget, and told me that until I showed them respect, they wouldn't go back to being as generous as they were before. I thought that I hated them for that. But then, I went through some really hard times. I honestly had no will to live. And, instead of blaming me for causing my own problems, they were there for me. They did everything they possibly could to make things better. My mom would drive up just to take me to dinner and let me cry to her, then drive right back. And, she dropped everything to do this pretty much any time I asked her. They did not judge me for what happened. THey just loved me. And, you know what? I really loved them, too. I'll always remember the way they reacted. Sometimes, the best feeling in the world is when you expect the worst from someone, and they blow your mind by giving you the best they have to offer. That's what I'm doing for them this year. I hope they're proud of me.
Besides my parents, I have a close relationship with my friends. They are honestly like family to me, because we've all dealt with some really adult issues. They have seen me at my worst, and loved me just as much as they do when I am at my best, whenever that is. You know what the absolute best thing a friend can do for THEIR friend who is in trouble? Listen. Just listen to all of the things you've heard a thousand times. Listen to them cry. Listen to them doubt themselves. Because, you know what? You can't change someone's mind who is hurting that much. You can only be there for them and listen. And THAT is exactly what my very best friends did for me. And, I feel like shit because I can't always be there for them now, and I can't stand it. I hope that one day I can be as great of a friend to all of you (you know who you are) as you were to me. I'm telling you, straight up, I wouldn't still be here if y'all had not been around like you were. You saved me. Please, one day, if it ever calls for it, let me save you. I will.
I'm not proud of myself very often. I actually have a very low self esteem and it's nobody's fault but my own. My heart has been broken on numerous occations, and yes, it's just as bad as you hear it is. I'm an over emotional mess sometimes, but I can't change that. I think that one day it will help me on my journey to be a writer that people can connect with. I love to write, it's my therapy for myself, and I just hope that I can make a career out of it. But, I'm scared that I won't be able to. I'm scared that I'm busting my ass for nothing. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm scared of losing another friend that I care about. I am just scared, and that's okay, because I'm human, and we're all scared sometimes. And, that's what I'm saying. These flaws we have aren't really flaws at all. They are characteristics. They make ME, me! Just like they make YOU the person that YOU ARE, too! And, it's okay to not be perfect. Embrace it. Love it. Your friends and family obviously do. I guess that's the hardest thing in life, loving yourself. And, it sucks, because you can't truly love anyone else until you form that true bond with yourself.
And then there's Russell. I remember the way my stomach dropped to my feet the first time I ever laid eyes on him. He has these deep eyes, and when he looks into mine, I feel like he can see straight into my soul. He came into my life exactly when he was meant to, and he gave me the courage I needed to walk away from someone who constantly made my life miserable. I'd been praying for so long for any sign from God that would let me know that everything was going to be okay. I will always believe that meeting Russell in that Bible as Literature class was nothing less than the sign I'd so desparately been looking for. He believes in me, and what's more than that is that he believes in US! While this may sound like just another ordinary young love, I am determined to prove that it is so much more than that. You see, from the very second we realized that our feelings towards each other were mutual, there has been this crazy passion surrounding us at all times. I crave him, even. I miss him every second that he's not around. I hate hearing silence in my house, and am always so happy when he comes back and holds me in his arms. He is extremely brilliant, unbelievably talented, honest, genuine, compassionate, generous, deep, affectionate, respectful, motivated, eager to please, thoughtful, considerate, gorgeous, and everything I've ever wished for. He is my very best friend, and nothing is as valuable to me as the memories we've made so far, the laughter we've shared, the talks about our hopes and dreams, and our plans for the future. Russell has been a blessing in my life from day one. He showed me that I am worth so much more than I ever thought. He knows every single thing about my past, and does not judge me for any of it. He does not try to change me, he just simply loves me. He is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me, and being with him has allowed me to let go of all of the regret I had concerning certain choices I've made. I now understand that I did the right thing, and this gives me proof that there is always reason to have faith in God and the trials He puts you through. All I had to offer him was a pile of pieces of my broken heart, and somehow, he has managed to put it all back together again. I will never doubt that my heart is safe with him, and it is now his to keep forever.
Finally, I want to say that I'm only human. I'm sure there are some of you that I have talked badly about, or offended, or just plain out been a bitch to. And, I'm finally at the point in my life where I can honestly say that I am sorry. You know, Maya Angelou says, "People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But, people will never forget the way you made them feel." It's so true, isn't it? Because, I know that I've been hurt. I know that I've been so angry at some people that I was willing to make a fool out of myself and raise hell at anytime or anyplace. But, I see how stupid that all is now. There's no other way to describe it. I was just being stupid. I want to be remembered in a good way, and I know that I've got a lot of work before I'll feel confident about this. Just remember that life goes on, but grudges shouldn't. So, whatever grudges I'm carrying... they're gone. Really. They have been for a while. And, it feels good. It's time to just enjoy life, because when we get down to it, it's so rare, short, and for the most part, beautiful.
So, this is who I am. Maybe you already knew. Or, possibly, you had no idea at all. At any rate, thank you for taking your time to find out.
Love,
Haley
When I first wake up, I immediately look at the clock and wonder if I'm able to sqeeze even five more minutes of sleep in. I love sleep, I do. And, it's in the minutes when you're trying to relax before falling asleep that you have the best talks with yourself and God, if you choose. Sometimes, before I sleep, I replay the day in my head and wonder if I could have done something different. Of course, I always find that I could have, and sometimes I lose sleep over that. But, it's necessary, and I always wonder if other people are just like me. So, I look at some people who can fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow, and I find myself envious that I worry too much to do the same.
As much as you may have heard different, I absolutely hate conflict. I know that I have the skills I need to defend myself, but I don't like to be put in situations where I feel it necessary to use those skills. I hate it. I hate questioning myself over and over, always wondering if I'm in the wrong and I'm just too blind and stubborn to see it. I hate wondering if I have falsely judged someone, like we all have, and if maybe I lost a good friend because I misunderstood the tone of someone's voice, or just met them on a really terrible day. Maybe it's the beauty of life that you just never know what someone else has gone through on any given day. Maybe they call things "the beauty of life" because everyone feels too shitty to say that it just plain sucks that we can't know everything. Possibly, we'd never learn if we had all the information up front, and the beauty of making new friends and getting to know them would be taken from our lives completely. Like I said earlier, I worry too much. I think too much. I always have, and unless I take my xanax like I'm told, I always will.
I did not become very close to my parents until last year. Of course, I always loved them, and they always loved me and went out of their way to make sure I had what I needed. I took advantage of them on a daily basis, and they finally got tired of it. They made me live in a shitty apartment, put me on a budget, and told me that until I showed them respect, they wouldn't go back to being as generous as they were before. I thought that I hated them for that. But then, I went through some really hard times. I honestly had no will to live. And, instead of blaming me for causing my own problems, they were there for me. They did everything they possibly could to make things better. My mom would drive up just to take me to dinner and let me cry to her, then drive right back. And, she dropped everything to do this pretty much any time I asked her. They did not judge me for what happened. THey just loved me. And, you know what? I really loved them, too. I'll always remember the way they reacted. Sometimes, the best feeling in the world is when you expect the worst from someone, and they blow your mind by giving you the best they have to offer. That's what I'm doing for them this year. I hope they're proud of me.
Besides my parents, I have a close relationship with my friends. They are honestly like family to me, because we've all dealt with some really adult issues. They have seen me at my worst, and loved me just as much as they do when I am at my best, whenever that is. You know what the absolute best thing a friend can do for THEIR friend who is in trouble? Listen. Just listen to all of the things you've heard a thousand times. Listen to them cry. Listen to them doubt themselves. Because, you know what? You can't change someone's mind who is hurting that much. You can only be there for them and listen. And THAT is exactly what my very best friends did for me. And, I feel like shit because I can't always be there for them now, and I can't stand it. I hope that one day I can be as great of a friend to all of you (you know who you are) as you were to me. I'm telling you, straight up, I wouldn't still be here if y'all had not been around like you were. You saved me. Please, one day, if it ever calls for it, let me save you. I will.
I'm not proud of myself very often. I actually have a very low self esteem and it's nobody's fault but my own. My heart has been broken on numerous occations, and yes, it's just as bad as you hear it is. I'm an over emotional mess sometimes, but I can't change that. I think that one day it will help me on my journey to be a writer that people can connect with. I love to write, it's my therapy for myself, and I just hope that I can make a career out of it. But, I'm scared that I won't be able to. I'm scared that I'm busting my ass for nothing. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm scared of losing another friend that I care about. I am just scared, and that's okay, because I'm human, and we're all scared sometimes. And, that's what I'm saying. These flaws we have aren't really flaws at all. They are characteristics. They make ME, me! Just like they make YOU the person that YOU ARE, too! And, it's okay to not be perfect. Embrace it. Love it. Your friends and family obviously do. I guess that's the hardest thing in life, loving yourself. And, it sucks, because you can't truly love anyone else until you form that true bond with yourself.
And then there's Russell. I remember the way my stomach dropped to my feet the first time I ever laid eyes on him. He has these deep eyes, and when he looks into mine, I feel like he can see straight into my soul. He came into my life exactly when he was meant to, and he gave me the courage I needed to walk away from someone who constantly made my life miserable. I'd been praying for so long for any sign from God that would let me know that everything was going to be okay. I will always believe that meeting Russell in that Bible as Literature class was nothing less than the sign I'd so desparately been looking for. He believes in me, and what's more than that is that he believes in US! While this may sound like just another ordinary young love, I am determined to prove that it is so much more than that. You see, from the very second we realized that our feelings towards each other were mutual, there has been this crazy passion surrounding us at all times. I crave him, even. I miss him every second that he's not around. I hate hearing silence in my house, and am always so happy when he comes back and holds me in his arms. He is extremely brilliant, unbelievably talented, honest, genuine, compassionate, generous, deep, affectionate, respectful, motivated, eager to please, thoughtful, considerate, gorgeous, and everything I've ever wished for. He is my very best friend, and nothing is as valuable to me as the memories we've made so far, the laughter we've shared, the talks about our hopes and dreams, and our plans for the future. Russell has been a blessing in my life from day one. He showed me that I am worth so much more than I ever thought. He knows every single thing about my past, and does not judge me for any of it. He does not try to change me, he just simply loves me. He is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me, and being with him has allowed me to let go of all of the regret I had concerning certain choices I've made. I now understand that I did the right thing, and this gives me proof that there is always reason to have faith in God and the trials He puts you through. All I had to offer him was a pile of pieces of my broken heart, and somehow, he has managed to put it all back together again. I will never doubt that my heart is safe with him, and it is now his to keep forever.
Finally, I want to say that I'm only human. I'm sure there are some of you that I have talked badly about, or offended, or just plain out been a bitch to. And, I'm finally at the point in my life where I can honestly say that I am sorry. You know, Maya Angelou says, "People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But, people will never forget the way you made them feel." It's so true, isn't it? Because, I know that I've been hurt. I know that I've been so angry at some people that I was willing to make a fool out of myself and raise hell at anytime or anyplace. But, I see how stupid that all is now. There's no other way to describe it. I was just being stupid. I want to be remembered in a good way, and I know that I've got a lot of work before I'll feel confident about this. Just remember that life goes on, but grudges shouldn't. So, whatever grudges I'm carrying... they're gone. Really. They have been for a while. And, it feels good. It's time to just enjoy life, because when we get down to it, it's so rare, short, and for the most part, beautiful.
So, this is who I am. Maybe you already knew. Or, possibly, you had no idea at all. At any rate, thank you for taking your time to find out.
Love,
Haley
Thursday, September 18, 2008
there's this new thing I'm trying...
Today, I decided that I was going to start keeping up with all of the funny and random things that happen to me everyday. If you're interested in what my life is like on a daily basis, you can check it out at asmartblonde.livejournal.com. I will continue to post things that I write on this blog. The livejournal is just where I'll write what goes on in my life each day. I did not want to use blogspot for that purpose. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great weekend! ROLL TIDE!
-haley
-haley
Friday, August 29, 2008
"and they're always glad you came..."
In the past 21 years, I have seen many things that I never expected to see. I have heard many compliments and insults. I have felt every different emotion that a human being can possibly feel. I've traveled to all kinds of places with many different types of people. I have broken the law, run from my troubles, and had bad intentions. I've made friends that I cannot imagine my life without, as well as attended funerals for people that I never imagined would be without life. I've had my heart broken, and I've broken the hearts of others. I've cried for help, and I've had my best friends cry on my shoulder. I know what it feels like to be lost, and I understand the joy that comes with being found again. I have done many things that I promised I'd never do, and while some of these unexpected decisions came with bad consequences, others opened doors that I normally would have walked right past. I've been everywhere and nowhere all at once. Through all of these ups and downs, there has always been one place where I felt safe and understood. This place is Alpine Baptist Church.
As soon as I walk through the front doors of my church, I immediately feel as if I'm where I belong. To be able to see so many warm, familiar faces brings so much comfort to my tried and tired heart. This is the kind of comfort that surrounds you and wraps around you like the blanket from your childhood. This kind of comfort, while both rare and beautiful, is often never noticed until it is unavailable and/or left behind. Some find this comfort in the way the morning sun shines through the tall windows of our church and reflects off of the solid white walls. For others, this comfort can be found just by deeply breathing in the scent of the classic country church. As for myself, I find comfort in the memories. Whenever I get the chance, I like to sit in the third row from the back. If I just briefly close my eyes, I'm taken back to the days when I was the little girl with long, blonde hair running out of Sunday School with chocolate all over my dress. I remember how Wayne's contagious laughter could fill an entire room. I remember being so young, and always wondering if one day I'd find a man who would look at me the same way Belton always looked at Iva. I remember the day Lisa passed away, and in this very building, Gail found the strength and support that she needed in order to make it through such a hard time. I remember the Easter egg hunts, tennis courts, beach trips, Fall Festivals, and the Sunday we brought Children's Church back to the pulpit. I find comfort in remembering how lucky I was to grow up in such an accepting and nurturing environment.
Because of all that I've seen and experienced at Alpine Baptist Church, I've grown into a 21 year old who believes in acceptance, tolerance, and equality. I believe that being beautiful on the inside is more important than being beautiful on the exterior. I know how it feels to be loved. I believe that it is perfectly normal to ask for help, as well as help those who ask for it from you. I know that there is power in prayer for all those who choose to believe in Him. I know that my future salary will never determine my future happiness, nor will it ever change God's plan for me. I know that it is okay to ask questions, as long as I know that I will find the answers to these questions the moment that I'm meant to. I will always believe that I would not be the person that I am becoming without the influence of this church.
The heart of this church is found inside each of it's members, and it stays with you forever. I'm proud to carry this with me everywhere that I go. As I grow older and begin a new chapter of my life somewhere else, I know I'll continue to find comfort in knowing that I always have somewhere to come to and find what so many spend their entire lives searching for.
Love,
Haley
As soon as I walk through the front doors of my church, I immediately feel as if I'm where I belong. To be able to see so many warm, familiar faces brings so much comfort to my tried and tired heart. This is the kind of comfort that surrounds you and wraps around you like the blanket from your childhood. This kind of comfort, while both rare and beautiful, is often never noticed until it is unavailable and/or left behind. Some find this comfort in the way the morning sun shines through the tall windows of our church and reflects off of the solid white walls. For others, this comfort can be found just by deeply breathing in the scent of the classic country church. As for myself, I find comfort in the memories. Whenever I get the chance, I like to sit in the third row from the back. If I just briefly close my eyes, I'm taken back to the days when I was the little girl with long, blonde hair running out of Sunday School with chocolate all over my dress. I remember how Wayne's contagious laughter could fill an entire room. I remember being so young, and always wondering if one day I'd find a man who would look at me the same way Belton always looked at Iva. I remember the day Lisa passed away, and in this very building, Gail found the strength and support that she needed in order to make it through such a hard time. I remember the Easter egg hunts, tennis courts, beach trips, Fall Festivals, and the Sunday we brought Children's Church back to the pulpit. I find comfort in remembering how lucky I was to grow up in such an accepting and nurturing environment.
Because of all that I've seen and experienced at Alpine Baptist Church, I've grown into a 21 year old who believes in acceptance, tolerance, and equality. I believe that being beautiful on the inside is more important than being beautiful on the exterior. I know how it feels to be loved. I believe that it is perfectly normal to ask for help, as well as help those who ask for it from you. I know that there is power in prayer for all those who choose to believe in Him. I know that my future salary will never determine my future happiness, nor will it ever change God's plan for me. I know that it is okay to ask questions, as long as I know that I will find the answers to these questions the moment that I'm meant to. I will always believe that I would not be the person that I am becoming without the influence of this church.
The heart of this church is found inside each of it's members, and it stays with you forever. I'm proud to carry this with me everywhere that I go. As I grow older and begin a new chapter of my life somewhere else, I know I'll continue to find comfort in knowing that I always have somewhere to come to and find what so many spend their entire lives searching for.
Love,
Haley
Thursday, July 31, 2008
concerning:: self respect
For the absolute longest time, I questioned what love is and how much it really can affect your life and the choices that you make. What I've come to find is that it is completely possible to meet the one person who, while kissing you, makes chillbumps run up your spine as the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. These kisses from this perfect person make you forget what time it is, or if the concept of time really exists at all, or if it ever even did. During this most perfect kiss, you are blind to everything that surrounds you, and in this one moment, you wish you could freeze time forever. However, it is absolutely necessary for the kiss to end and for the clock to start taking records of what minute it is, and which hour of your life you are currently enjoying. These kisses are a rarity, and they are this way for a reason. The most important thing is the person who is sharing the kiss with you. And, when you take the second to really look into their eyes, you realize that they are in your life for a reason. Because you met this person, your life will never be the same, and you'll never want it to. You'll crave this person's arms around you, because when they are, you finally feel safe from all of the things you've been desperately trying to escape. And, for the first time in years, you can inhale and exhale freely. This person, this man, this godsend, really loves you for the person you are, and sees every possibility in the world every time they see you smile. You see, I'm lucky enough to have been through bad relationships. I thank God for knowing ahead of time that through the darkest point of my life, there was light ahead. And, I saw this light the first time I ever saw his face. And, from this, for once, I know every single thing I've ever needed to know. I've never been more content in my life. I feel safe. I feel needed. I feel so much LOVE surrounding me each day, and while most of it comes from him, a tiny fraction of this love comes from the fact that because of him, I finally found reason to respect myself. And, when you respect yourself, you can love yourself. Because of this, I finally am allowed to love someone else with all of my broken, tattered, and ever so flawed heart. He fills me up to my very core and I couldn't possibly be happier if I tried. There is no amount of money, power, fame, or promises that could ever tempt me to leave his side. For the first time in my entire life, I know I was in the right place at the right time, even if it was just once. Sometimes, however, once is enough.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
To a friend in Heaven :)
Hey, you!
I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Today, it was raining and I thought about two summers ago at the lake when you jumped off of the roof in the rain. I'd never seen anybody look more alive than you did at that very moment. It seems so weird that you're not here anymore, even though most of us haven't admitted that it will be a long time before we see your smiling face again. We all still catch ourselves waiting on you to come in the door when we're all together... and even though we don't see it happen, in a way, we know that you're there. It still doesn't seem fair that you had to go, but we've all learned to trust God's plan for each of us. You brought us closer to him, although it took us all questioning his existance before we truly found him inside of our hearts. We know that He must have needed you up there much more than we did down here, even though that's often hard to imagine.
I have to wonder, though, what you think of everything going on down here. We're all getting older, taking different paths that lead us away from home and towards new places and ideas. We're changing, see, and it makes us think about the paths you'd be taking, and the person you would be today. Instead, you've taken on a new form that we'll also take one day. So many of us have joined you already. There was a third, a fourth, and a fifth after you and I wonder if it's a metaphor for the way that we live, or don't live, as some of us choose to do even though the opportunity is still them for them. We're all breaking apart here, and I wonder what you think is happening to us. Is this what is in the books? Are we meant to be thrown apart by jealousy, anger, hate, and bad intent? What is going on here? Sometimes I think that all it would take to bring everyone back together would be you walking through the door, saying something completely off the wall as you often did, smiling from ear to ear with a heart as pure as gold, as yours always was. While our country is at war, many of us are also at war with ourselves and with each other, even though we've always been like a family. Is it meant to happen this way? Am I trying to stop what is ultimately inevitable? Nobody's the same, and I know that in some way, you can see it. Help us out down here, because we're obviously struggling with some pretty intense battles. Some of our hearts are in great need of repair, and it would be nice if you could ask the man upstairs for some assistance for those who still miss you every single day.
I still don't think that it's right. I still don't think it's fair that I can look outside and see the sun shining through the clouds and you can't. You're beyond the clouds, past the stars, and straight into the land that we all strive to end up in, as well. I'll never stop thinking that you should still be here, and I'm not the only one. I'll never forget the way that we sobbed for days and found solace and comfort in each other in your passing. You did a great thing for us, friend. You made us question how much we would be missed, as well as the legacy we would leave behind. You showed us that when our hearts feel empty, we should turn to each other in order for it to be filled up again with hope, faith, love, and the ability to dream like there was no tomorrow. You reminded us that tomorrow is a dream, not a promise, and it will NEVER be guaranteed, no matter how much money we make, or how beautiful we are on the inside or out, or how much luck we think we've been given. You and the rest of our gang in heaven gave us the best gift we could ever find it possible to receive, although I must admit that it took us awhile to finish unwrapping it. You gave us knowledge that only people who have seen death and felt that type of sorrow can have.
Thank you for watching over us, even though we don't always deserve it. Sometimes, when we're all together and laughing, it's like you never even left us for a second. You and all that you loved lives on in us, and we will NEVER forget the person that you were and the angel that you are for each of us. Friendships don't end just because lives do, and we are so thankful that you've continued to show us love and support from so many miles and steps away. We hope that you can still feel the love that we carry for you and your memory, as well. We love you so much and miss you just as much now as we did the day we got the worst phone call imaginable.
Your friend ALWAYS,
Haley
I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Today, it was raining and I thought about two summers ago at the lake when you jumped off of the roof in the rain. I'd never seen anybody look more alive than you did at that very moment. It seems so weird that you're not here anymore, even though most of us haven't admitted that it will be a long time before we see your smiling face again. We all still catch ourselves waiting on you to come in the door when we're all together... and even though we don't see it happen, in a way, we know that you're there. It still doesn't seem fair that you had to go, but we've all learned to trust God's plan for each of us. You brought us closer to him, although it took us all questioning his existance before we truly found him inside of our hearts. We know that He must have needed you up there much more than we did down here, even though that's often hard to imagine.
I have to wonder, though, what you think of everything going on down here. We're all getting older, taking different paths that lead us away from home and towards new places and ideas. We're changing, see, and it makes us think about the paths you'd be taking, and the person you would be today. Instead, you've taken on a new form that we'll also take one day. So many of us have joined you already. There was a third, a fourth, and a fifth after you and I wonder if it's a metaphor for the way that we live, or don't live, as some of us choose to do even though the opportunity is still them for them. We're all breaking apart here, and I wonder what you think is happening to us. Is this what is in the books? Are we meant to be thrown apart by jealousy, anger, hate, and bad intent? What is going on here? Sometimes I think that all it would take to bring everyone back together would be you walking through the door, saying something completely off the wall as you often did, smiling from ear to ear with a heart as pure as gold, as yours always was. While our country is at war, many of us are also at war with ourselves and with each other, even though we've always been like a family. Is it meant to happen this way? Am I trying to stop what is ultimately inevitable? Nobody's the same, and I know that in some way, you can see it. Help us out down here, because we're obviously struggling with some pretty intense battles. Some of our hearts are in great need of repair, and it would be nice if you could ask the man upstairs for some assistance for those who still miss you every single day.
I still don't think that it's right. I still don't think it's fair that I can look outside and see the sun shining through the clouds and you can't. You're beyond the clouds, past the stars, and straight into the land that we all strive to end up in, as well. I'll never stop thinking that you should still be here, and I'm not the only one. I'll never forget the way that we sobbed for days and found solace and comfort in each other in your passing. You did a great thing for us, friend. You made us question how much we would be missed, as well as the legacy we would leave behind. You showed us that when our hearts feel empty, we should turn to each other in order for it to be filled up again with hope, faith, love, and the ability to dream like there was no tomorrow. You reminded us that tomorrow is a dream, not a promise, and it will NEVER be guaranteed, no matter how much money we make, or how beautiful we are on the inside or out, or how much luck we think we've been given. You and the rest of our gang in heaven gave us the best gift we could ever find it possible to receive, although I must admit that it took us awhile to finish unwrapping it. You gave us knowledge that only people who have seen death and felt that type of sorrow can have.
Thank you for watching over us, even though we don't always deserve it. Sometimes, when we're all together and laughing, it's like you never even left us for a second. You and all that you loved lives on in us, and we will NEVER forget the person that you were and the angel that you are for each of us. Friendships don't end just because lives do, and we are so thankful that you've continued to show us love and support from so many miles and steps away. We hope that you can still feel the love that we carry for you and your memory, as well. We love you so much and miss you just as much now as we did the day we got the worst phone call imaginable.
Your friend ALWAYS,
Haley
Sunday, July 6, 2008
sad attempt
Please don't make me remember
all of the words that you said
during the violence and the fever
that could have left us dead.
Don't get your voice around me
even for the smallest amount of time.
My eyes simply can't bear to see
the one I lost and never want to find.
I'm not looking over my shoulder
in worry and constant fear.
I filed your memory away in a folder
that I no longer hold very dear.
So what if I never care again?
What if I forget you were ever here?
What if this is only meant to offend?
Things are always worse than they appear.
Call this a sad attempt at payback
for time spent as an outlet for your anger.
I'm stronger without you, that's a fact!
And I don't feel like my heart is in danger.
He gives me faith in humanity
and a reason to love what is inside.
Never knew dreams could become reality,
and I know I'm down for the ride.
So enjoy your life of twists and turns,
and know that I've forgotten you.
I forgot the bruises, insults, burns,
and all of the tears that I shed, too.
all of the words that you said
during the violence and the fever
that could have left us dead.
Don't get your voice around me
even for the smallest amount of time.
My eyes simply can't bear to see
the one I lost and never want to find.
I'm not looking over my shoulder
in worry and constant fear.
I filed your memory away in a folder
that I no longer hold very dear.
So what if I never care again?
What if I forget you were ever here?
What if this is only meant to offend?
Things are always worse than they appear.
Call this a sad attempt at payback
for time spent as an outlet for your anger.
I'm stronger without you, that's a fact!
And I don't feel like my heart is in danger.
He gives me faith in humanity
and a reason to love what is inside.
Never knew dreams could become reality,
and I know I'm down for the ride.
So enjoy your life of twists and turns,
and know that I've forgotten you.
I forgot the bruises, insults, burns,
and all of the tears that I shed, too.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Everything Changes.
Change is a funny thing, you know? Sometimes, your life changes and it's completely out of your control. In fact, change is a vital part of any given person's life and without it, I must say, life wouldn't be quite as worth living. Change makes us question what our lives were like before, and while this can often be devastating, sometimes it's what you need the most. Other times, we, as humans, choose to change something in our lives, and it's scary. What I've come to find, though, is that the best kind of change is the kind that happens before you know it, and by the time you figure it all out, you know in your heart that it needed to happen.
Lately, so much has changed for me. I was trying desperately to be happy, and had a hard time simply because happiness cannot be created where it is not meant to be found. I met someone who caught my eye the very first time I passed by him. Although I was in a relationship that had lasted for quite a long time, I longed to know more about this person and feel like there was no better time for him to come into my life. The more I got to know him, I found that he was everything that I had ever even thought about looking for. And, that's the wild thing about it, I didn't even have to look at all. One day, I just opened my eyes, and by this I mean that I REALLY opened my eyes to everything that had been surrounding me and found solace and comfort in knowing that a person like him actually existed in this world. I made the decision to remove someone from my life who was full of anger, rage, guilt, and lack of ambition and went straight into the arms of someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. This, my friends, is something that you only hear about, dream about, or think about when you let your mind wander. And, I had not been able to let my mind wander for so long because I thought that my life was meant to be less than amazing and barely even tolerable. Being with him makes me believe in the possibility of real happiness, you know? Sometimes, you find yourself in a relationship of any kind with a person and it just drains you to your very core. You find yourself putting so much into something and receiving much, much less in return and after a while, you wonder how much of yourself and your heart you even have left. I've been craving something real, something that I can count on, something that even the very thought of will put the kind of smile on my face that cannot be duplicated under any other circumstances. It fills me up, and does this so much that I find myself very close to overflowing with something that I cannot even put into words. Why did this happen? I have no idea, and to be completely up front with you, I don't care why. I don't care how. All I know is that it did and I've never felt more content and confident about any change I've made in my entire life. The point is that it's absolutely okay to take a chance. All it takes is a little faith, a lot of courage, and the will to never look back. And, you know what? I'm never looking back again. The past made me a strong person, stronger than I ever thought I'd need to be, and I've finally found a reason to showcase this strength by leaving behind everything I thought I couldn't live without for something that makes my life a million times more beautiful. Change is good. Life is good.
-hlt
Lately, so much has changed for me. I was trying desperately to be happy, and had a hard time simply because happiness cannot be created where it is not meant to be found. I met someone who caught my eye the very first time I passed by him. Although I was in a relationship that had lasted for quite a long time, I longed to know more about this person and feel like there was no better time for him to come into my life. The more I got to know him, I found that he was everything that I had ever even thought about looking for. And, that's the wild thing about it, I didn't even have to look at all. One day, I just opened my eyes, and by this I mean that I REALLY opened my eyes to everything that had been surrounding me and found solace and comfort in knowing that a person like him actually existed in this world. I made the decision to remove someone from my life who was full of anger, rage, guilt, and lack of ambition and went straight into the arms of someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. This, my friends, is something that you only hear about, dream about, or think about when you let your mind wander. And, I had not been able to let my mind wander for so long because I thought that my life was meant to be less than amazing and barely even tolerable. Being with him makes me believe in the possibility of real happiness, you know? Sometimes, you find yourself in a relationship of any kind with a person and it just drains you to your very core. You find yourself putting so much into something and receiving much, much less in return and after a while, you wonder how much of yourself and your heart you even have left. I've been craving something real, something that I can count on, something that even the very thought of will put the kind of smile on my face that cannot be duplicated under any other circumstances. It fills me up, and does this so much that I find myself very close to overflowing with something that I cannot even put into words. Why did this happen? I have no idea, and to be completely up front with you, I don't care why. I don't care how. All I know is that it did and I've never felt more content and confident about any change I've made in my entire life. The point is that it's absolutely okay to take a chance. All it takes is a little faith, a lot of courage, and the will to never look back. And, you know what? I'm never looking back again. The past made me a strong person, stronger than I ever thought I'd need to be, and I've finally found a reason to showcase this strength by leaving behind everything I thought I couldn't live without for something that makes my life a million times more beautiful. Change is good. Life is good.
-hlt
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