"With tired eyes, tired minds, and tired souls, we slept."

What is Heaven like?

I've been asking this question since I was a kid. Over the years, I've heard many different descriptions of Heaven, and while I thought they all sounded nice, I wondered if I would be truly happy in a place like the ones they told me about. I decided to learn as much as I could from different sources in hopes that I may find the perfect answer for me out there somewhere. First, I looked at the facts. What do they say about Heaven? According to Wikipedia, Heaven is the physical heavens, the sky or the seemingly endless expanse of the universe beyond. This is the traditional literal meaning of the term in English, however since at least the 11th century, it is typically also used to refer to an afterlife plane of existence (often held to exist in another realm) in various religions and spiritual philosophies, often described as the holiest possible place, accessible by people according to various standards of divinity, goodness, piety, faith etc.

According to CBN.com, a spiritual website, Heaven is where God is. He is the light of heaven, the joy of heaven. As you mature in your understanding of the Bible, you realize there is no material concept of heaven that will do it justice. The Bible talks about streets of gold as clear as crystal and walls made out of precious stones (see Revelation 21:18-21). All sorts of images immediately come to mind when we mention heaven. More than anything else, heaven is a spiritual condition where one spiritual being is in touch with another spiritual being, and there is total communication and fellowship.

The Bible says, "He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying; and there shall be nor more pain, for the former things have passed away" (Revelation 21:3-4)."

I like the idea of no death in Heaven, but I'm just not so sure about the other parts of this description. First of all, how can God wipe tears from their eyes if there is no crying? I cry for all kinds of reasons. When something really hilarious happens, I laugh until I cry. When I am so happy I could burst, I cry. When something touches my heart, I cry. Crying is not always a bad thing. A place without crying sounds like a place with very little emotion. There are no extremes, it seems. Also, I do not ever want "the former things" to pass away. I cherish my memories, my life story, the reason I am the person I am. If these things passed away, who would I be? How could I see my friends and family if I no longer have the memories of my life?

Of course, I have to remember that The Bible (and the articles on the internet) were written, translated, and revised by people who were alive. This, of course, means that they had not yet been to Heaven. So, I decided to talk to my best friend, James Carr. He and I always play this game that we just call "the question game." Tonight, we played our game, but instead of asking random questions, we focused on ones about Heaven. I learned a lot during our conversation. Our question game is very much like an interview, although Jamie and I both ask and answer questions. I read silly interviews all the time in magazines about a celebrity's favorite brand of clothing and other various trivial subjects. I'm going to post an interview that has substance, that can open the eyes of others who have asked or been asked the very same questions.

Haley: What is, in your opinion, the popular idea of what Heaven is?
Jamie: The popular thought of Heaven is overwhelming happiness and golden streets. Right?
Haley: Right. What do you NOT want Heaven to be?
Jamie: I don't want Heaven to be so happy that I lose who I am.
Haley: But, aren't you searching for happiness on earth?
Jamie: Not to the extent of losing myself.
Haley: If you're ever truly happy on Earth, will you lose yourself then?
Jamie: I think it's impossible to be truly happy on Earth. Something is always going to happen to bring you back a little.
Haley: Do you think the idea of being born again sounds more pleasant?
Jamie: Nope. You are completely losing your former life and thoughts. I mean, it's like you never even existed.
Haley: So, what's your ideal Heaven?
Jamie: My ideal Heaven is being in control of myself. If I want to remember life and be sad, I should be able to. I shouldn't have to constantly be happy.
Haley: So, it would make you happy to be able to be sad? In an odd way, wouldn't you be happy to be able to remember your life, even the sad parts?
Jamie: I know it's a contradiction, but sometimes I am happy to be sad. Do you understand?
Haley: Totally.
Jamie: What do you think? What do you want it to be?
Haley: I hope that when I die, I'll wake up in a place where all of my loved ones who have passed are lined up to greet me, to take me in, to let me hear their voice. I want to sit around and laugh with my friends. I want to see everyone look and feel like they did on the best day of their life. I want to watch over those that I left behind. I don't care about clouds or streets of gold, I just want to be with the people I love.
Jamie: What about the first week? Year?
Haley: I don't think Time exists there. Time is an earthly thing, I think. God is bigger than Time.
Jamie: Still.... it IS eternity.
Haley: Plus, I don't think they have watch repair shops or jewelry stores in Heaven.
Jamie: Time isn't the issue. You get annoyed with people all the time.
Haley: Sure, but I might be more patient when I'm dead.
Jamie: Would you not get annoyed EVENTUALLY?
Haley: I don't think Heaven consists of the same thing every day. Maybe your life is YOURS, and you can time travel through your memories. That would be awesome!!!
Jamie: That would be horrible.
Haley: WHAT????
Jamie: You would be all alone. The people would only be memories. It wouldn't be the real people.
Haley: Well, it was a good concept.
Jamie: But you are alone. You might as well be a corpse dreaming. I hope St. Peter isn't like " Well you get to remember forever"
Haley: The more I think about it, the less it makes sense.
Jamie: I hope it's as much like life as possible.
Haley: Oh, definitely.
Jamie: What about baby deaths or mentally retarded people? What would they be like?
Haley: Perfect.
Jamie: Will the baby be older?
Haley: I don't think age exists there. I don't think we look the same there. These are just bodies.
Jamie: See, I don't like that. These are bodies that God made with the sole intention of leaving us here. Until Eve screwed everything up.
Haley: What will our souls look like?
Jamie: My soul better look like me.
Haley: Oh, yeah. Eve really messed up. I think good souls are beautiful. The bad ones are probably repulsive and hideous. Do you think we'll see each other in Heaven?
Jamie: I don't think so. We fight too much. The classic definition of Heaven includes no fighting. Will I love my wife there as much as I did on Earth?
Haley: You'll love her more.
Jamie: What if she passes first and I get a new wife?
Haley: I think your first wife would want you to find happiness again. I mean, there isn't sex in Heaven, I'm pretty sure. I don't think those primal instincts exist there, like jealousy, anger, hunger, sexual urges, or exhaustion.
Jamie: So, I wouldn't be myself, then? That's my fear.
Haley: You'll be the person you really are deep inside, the person that only YOU know. That IS you. Are you afraid of dying?
Jamie: The afterlife scares me, not dying.
Haley: I think we're all scared of the unknown. We spend so much time trying to figure it out. I think it just works out in the end. I hope so, anyway. I have to have hope in something.....anything...
Jamie: Would you be immortal if you had the chance?
Haley: No, no, no.
Jamie: Why?
Haley: Life has been hard on me. I've loved hard. My heart has been broken over and over. I've had to lose so many people that I love. I've been so sick that I just wanted to die. The idea of going through this forever seems more awful than ANY kind of Heaven. Life is a test. I want the reward.
Jamie: That was a good answer.
Haley: Why do you WANT to be immortal?
Jamie: I want to see how far we go. I'll be more than happy to go when the world ends.
Haley: Won't it be scary?
Jamie: No, not at all. It will just be God turning the lights off.

The conversation ended here. And, I could not help but find comfort in the realization that nobody knows what Heaven is like. Some people do not even believe it exists. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "To be great is to be misunderstood." If this is true, then Heaven must be just as beautiful as I've always hoped it would be. I think that on Earth, bad things often happen to good people. But, if these people keep their faith through these hard times, they get to go to a place where good things really do happen to good people. A long time ago, when I was just a kid, I asked Brother Larry what he thought Heaven would be like. He said, "Think about the best day you've ever had. Heaven will be even better than that!" I like that idea.

When Jamie said, "It will just be God turning the lights off", I found myself drawn to that idea. Maybe, after living through the trials and tribulations of life, God just holds us in his palm, turns out the lights, and watches us drift off to sleep. We finally get to rest. Maybe Heaven is just one deep sleep, filled with one wonderful dream after another.

Maybe so.

Unforgettable

Last weekend, I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of one of my dearest friends, Lane. Lane and I met many years ago in ballet class, but became close friends in the sixth grade. From that point on, she has been a significant person in my life. We went through all the pains that come with growing up together. We were there for each other as we experienced the big firsts that come in the teen years: first kiss, first date, first love, first heartbreak, etc. She was always someone that I really did trust, and I can honestly say that she never betrayed that trust. No matter what we were going through, she and I could always find a way to laugh. In fact, 90% of our friendship has been spent laughing, and I would not have it any other way. I could write an entire book full of hilarious stories about silly things that we did. It seems like only yesterday we were riding our bikes to Sno-Biz with our Frankenstein and wolf masks.

Even though it seems like yesterday, it has been almost 10 years. I do not think I truly realized that until I saw Lane walk down the aisle Saturday. She looked happier than I've ever seen her. She was absolutely beautiful. I thought about how patient she had been through the years when it came to dating. She always knew that one day, she would find the man of her dreams. Watching her marry the love of her life is something that I will always remember. I am so glad that I got to be a part of the best day of her life. One of life's greatest gifts is seeing good things happening to good people. It is even better when that good person happens to be very dear to your heart.

Lane and Ray got married at the Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Hoover. The reception was held at B & A Warehouse in Birmingham. Since most of the wedding party got rooms at the Sheraton for the weekend, we were all together for most of the weekend. Friday, we had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Ray made an awesome slide show with pictures that showed them grow from birth to the present day. It was a night of laughter, tears, toasts, and quality time with good friends that I do not get to see often. The food was as wonderful as the company, but the highlight of the night was the toast given by Dr. Mike, Lane's dad. Of course, it made us all cry, but it was clear to everyone just how much he loves his daughter. There was a lot of love in that room that night, and everyone said so many kind things about Lane and Ray. Saturday, we met at the church at about 11 A.M. to do our hair and makeup. We took pictures, ate, had our hair and makeup touched up, and then we waited. The minutes seemed to drag on, but before we knew it, it was time to walk down the aisle! After a beautiful ceremony, my dear friend was officially Mrs. Lane Kulovitz Snead.

The rest of the night was a celebration, and I am almost positive Lane's smile never left her face. After all of the stress, planning, and preparation for her special day, she was finally able to just enjoy the night and soak it all in. After all, she did have to start her first day as a teacher Monday, so I was especially glad to see her be able to not stress over that for just one day. She is going to be a fantastic teacher and an even better wife! Life is good.


Here's to a lifetime of love and laughter :)

(I'll add more pictures later-- promise!)

Daddy & Me at Lane and Ray's reception

letting go.

For the past year, I have done nothing but sit around and think about the terrible luck that I was so sure I had. I have complained about being sick, whined about the bad timing my surgeries had, and question why I had to lose someone I loved so much. I have beat myself up over so many things that, until now, I thought were my fault. I wondered what I could have done differently, where I may have went wrong, and why so many bad things continued to happen to me. I let myself slowly drown in a pool of tears, heartache, and grief. Somewhere along the way, I lost a very important part of myself. I lost my spark, my passion, and my belief that in the end, everything will be just as it is meant to be. I stopped dreaming of my future. Instead, I had dreams about my childhood, a time where every question had an answer.

Today, I went to the doctor. I have gone to him for a long time, and he knows everything that I've been through physically and emotionally. And, after running several tests, he told me that he felt like some of the health issues I've been having recently were caused by stress. He sat down and said, "Who you are now and who you were a year ago are like night and day. You used to be bubbly and happy, and now, you look like you're tied up in knots. I'm worried about you. I want you to be healthy and happy." You know what? He was exactly right. I have been too stressed for too long, and even though I did not know it could, it has really affected my health, personality, image, and relationships. At one point in time, I thought that treating my anxiety meant that I could not handle it myself. Now, I realize that it is perfectly okay to need help sometimes. Treating anxiety does not make me weak. It does, however, make me optimistic that the parts of myself that have been lost in the past year CAN be found again.

It is time for me to learn how to let go. Nobody wants to let go of the things that matter to him/her the most. It is human nature to desire to keep that which makes us most happy. We want our loved ones to always be around. We grow up, learn about ourselves, and decide what we want to be when we grow up. And, at some point in our lives, we realize who really matters to us. I could write a book about all of the people that surrounded me as I grew up, influenced me, loved me, and helped make me who I am today. I would do anything imaginable to protect these people from ever feeling an ounce of pain, illness, or heartbreak. As the years have passed, I have had to say goodbye to some of these people. This year, something crossed my mind that I'd never thought about before. And, I cannot stop thinking about it. I hate thinking that chances are high that I will have to say goodbye to most of these people at some point in my life. I am thinking realistically, which further shows me just how much I have changed. When I look at these people, these wonderful, loving, kind, and generous people, they all look exactly the same as they always have. I guess I forgot that they had birthdays, too. I think I just always believed that they never grew older. If I do write that book I mentioned earlier, I am going to let the readers believe this, too. However, in real life, I have to accept that I am not the one who gets to write their stories. Even though I fear losing them, I have to let go. I am not in control.

Letting go does not mean that I am over it. Letting go does not mean that I no longer care. Letting go just means that I have given up on my mission to do the impossible, which is to change what cannot be changed. Letting go means that I understand that I can only control certain things in life. Letting go makes me feel like I do not have to feel guilty for having really good days, laughing until I cry, or thinking of someone I miss with a smile instead of tears. Letting go is not about winning or losing, fighting or surrendering, or failure and success. Letting go is about growing up and being thankful for all that I have been blessed with during my life.

I have finally found a sense of peace that I have not had for a long time. I am okay. Most of all, I am so very thankful to each person that has brought joy into my life.

"We find by losing. We hold fast by letting go. We become something new by ceasing to be something old. This seems to be close to the heart of that mystery. I know no more now than I ever did about the far side of death as the last letting-go of all, but now I know that I do not need to know, and that I do not need to be afraid of not knowing. God knows. That is all that matters." Frederick Buechner

08.01.09

the tie that binds.

"And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come back and take you to be with me so that you also may be where I am" - John 14:3

Dear you,

It has almost been 8 months since you left this world. It seems unreal that so many months have passed since I last saw you. I still hear your voice perfectly in my head. I still smile each time I think of your laugh. I still catch myself waiting to hear your voice in the choir. I still have nights that I cry myself to sleep. Most of all, though, I still miss you. I miss you like crazy. These things may never change, but I am absolutely okay with that. I have had enough change for one year.

While we are all still confused about what happened, please know that we are not angry with you. We are simply angry that we no longer have you. I am sure you knew that we would not be mad at you for long. I am not sure, though, if you knew just how much we would all blame ourselves. I think we do this because it is the only way we can still protect you. I am not sure if you will ever know how most of us saw you. You may have thought that you made many mistakes, but none of those mistakes could ever outshine the wonderful things that you did. This still remains true today.

You were a man of many occupations, and you excelled in each one. However, you never needed a title to define you. You defined yourself. Throughout your lifetime, you traveled down many paths. You had to face many challenges along the way. From these challenges, you never backed down. You fought hard for what you believed in. What I remember most about this, though, is that you fought fairly, never forgetting the importance of tact and class.

You also helped each of us fight our own battles. If our hearts were heavy, you felt our pain. When we were happy, your face would light up with absolute joy. You treated strangers like they were your friends. You treated your friends like they were family. For many of us, you redefined the meaning of family. At the end of each sermon, you would stand in front of the alter with your arms spread open to the congregation. By opening your heart to us, you opened many of our hearts to God.

It was to God that you were most loyal. Each good deed you did was done in His name. You loved to sing about Him. You loved to thank Him. You loved to tell His story. Most of all, you loved to love Him. You showed this by really, truly, honestly LIVING. The gift of life was definitely not wasted on you. Oh, how you lived...

I still feel your presence all over the church. While many things look exactly the same way they have for the past two decades, every single part of the church feels differently than it did in the past. You were the heart of that church. You still are. It feels wrong to be there without you. It makes me feel as if I'm trespassing, almost. It reminds me of the playground at R.L. Young. I have spent many hours on that playground. I grew up, watched it change, and witnessed it grow. But, when a friend of mine and I stopped there one night this summer to pass the time, I felt like the swings just weren't meant for me anymore. I felt like I did not belong. You see, that playground meant so much to me because of the memories I made there with the kids I grew up with. The actual equipment on the playground could have been made of cardboard and it would not have made a difference. What mattered were the people there. That is how church feels for me sometimes now. It feels like a coma. We are there. Every single thing is still in working order. All of our parts still work. But, it all feels mechanical sometimes. We're getting there, though. We are moving forward, but we just aren't ready to let go yet. We need more time.

I want to thank you for meaning so much to me. Losing you forced me to take a closer look at the way I chose to live MY life. I have changed so much, and even though I would give my right arm to change things back to the way they were, I know that you are happy where you are. And, it is your turn to be happy. If anyone in the world deserves it, it is you. Thank you for watching over us, just as you always have. Thank you for being exactly who you were. Without you, the world just wouldn't be quite as beautiful.

I love you. I'll be seeing you.
Haleybug

things that matter

Hello, all. It has been quite a while since I have had time to write. Many things have happened since the last time I posted anything, so I guess I'll take the time to catch you up, just in case you're interested.

I finished my Spanish course in July. It was a semi-sweet moment, though, because my teacher was very unfair to my classmates and I in his grading and teaching techniques. In order to learn half of a Spanish textbook in 4 weeks, a lot of work is involved. We, the students, did not mind doing this work. We thought that it would all pay off in the end. The entire last week of class, when we should have been preparing for finals, our teacher sent us home early so he could "run errands" instead of helping us know what we should focus on in order to make a good grade on the final. I have probably never studied so hard in my entire life. I really put my all into it, and my grade would have reflected it if he had not purposely given everyone a ridiculous "participation" grade that pulled each of our final grades down by an entire letter. I was given a 60/100 in participation, even though I attended class every single day, answered the questions when I was called on, and took incredible notes all during class. His idea of teaching was for us to read the chapter (in a language that HE was supposed to teach us), then come to class and get grilled with questions that we were unable to answer. Evidently, in his eyes, participation means getting everything right without having first been taught the material. At first, I thought that I was the only one that had been cheated out of the grade that I deserved, but the majority of my classmates were just as angry as I was about the same thing. To top it all off, he gave me a 0/100 for homework. First of all, we only had 5 homework assignments in the four weeks that we were in there. Second, I turned in EVERY SINGLE ONE of them and didn't get an ounce of credit. I worked hard enough to get an A in the class. I deserved AT LEAST a B in the class. However, even after I go to talk to the dean, the highest I can probably get is a C. I don't deserve a C, and neither did anyone else in my class. The class average for the final grade was a 61. What does that tell you about the teacher? JSU needs to get their foreign language department in control, or everyone is going to have to transfer in order to graduate when they deserve.

I'm now taking two new courses. The first one is Spanish 102, and I'm taking it from a professor who was hired originally to teach French. He is a great teacher! He really helps us learn the material together. He prepares us for the tests. He gives a lot of extra credit, and I feel like he would go way out of his way to help any student that is having a hard time. He truly cares enough to help every student get whatever grade he or she deserves. Those are the kinds of teachers that are huge inspirations for me. I look forward to seeing the outcome of this class. I believe I will finally get the kind of grade that I work so hard for. My other class is an online history course. The teacher is both kind and fair. Since many of us ordered our books from the internet, some of us did not have our textbooks in time for the first test. She was generous enough to give us an extension so that we could all be successful in this class. She is compassionate, and I really do appreciate how understanding she was to everyone about the textbook situation. There are many great teachers out there. Unfortunately, there are just as many teachers who do not care about their students at all. Either way, I have a clearer picture of what kind of teacher I'd like to be one day.

In other news, I was very sick last week. I threw up constantly, ran a high fever, and barely had enough energy to hold my head up. But, I studied very hard, took my test, and I made a B! To some, a B may not sound like anything to be excited about, but in my eyes, it is. I am proud of myself and am more motivated than ever to continue to keep that good grade. I will be successful this time. I will not let anything get in my way. I went to the doctor Wednesday after my test, and I was informed that the "bronchitis" I thought I had a few weeks ago was actually strep, and because it wasn't treated, it spread to my kidneys, where it is now causing trouble. I am resting, taking my medicine, and trying to keep up the fluids. I am just going to keep pushing myself as hard as I can. I know that one day, in some way or another, all of this will be worth it. That's what I have been telling myself all year. It's all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Russell starts his new job at a pharmacy in Anniston on Monday. He'll be working as a pharm tech, which is a good job for a college student. He will be paid very well, and I know that he and I will both enjoy being able to do nice things for ourselves sometimes. The stress level in this house is to the roof at this point, but things will get better. I just need to keep praying for brighter days. Until then, I'll dream about how blissful summers used to be, while I kick myself in the rear for not beieving everyone that told me how quickly those years would fly by.

I know I have a lot on my plate right now, but I can handle it. If this year has taught me anything, it is that love can overcome all obstacles. I may not have much in my life, but I have always had an abundance of love. This will sustain me. This will give me the strength that I need. I can't lose faith. I cannot EVER lose faith. God is here. He has not forgotten about me.

Please continue to pray for my loved ones that are ill. I check my email every single day hoping to read news of a miracle. I will not stop doing this. I believe in miracles. Like Journey says, "Don't stop believing!" Oh, I won't. I won't ever stop.

HLT

:)

my sweet kittens :)

lights will guide you home

I've always loved this song, but recently, it has made me think of how my church makes me feel. It's almost as if the lyrics perfectly describe what I feel my church says to me and what the people there do for me. I did not make this video, but I used it because it displayed the lyrics. It is such a beautiful song. Enjoy :)

the quiet things that no one ever knows

It's currently 5:40 AM. I was unable to sleep at all, so I decided to write. It seems like only yesterday I was finishing up the "Bible as Literature" May class, but here I am one year later, finishing up another May class. It is hard to believe a year has already flown by. It seems a little strange that the most challenging year of my life seems so short when I think about it now. I can confidently say that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. Most of the changes made in my life were not made by choice, but instead, they were made due to circumstances beyond my control. One could call it fate, luck, or coincidence. I, however, believe the simple fact that every single thing that happened to me in the past year was just meant to happen. To be honest, many of the choices made by me in the past year were made due to lack of alternative options.

So many different things have been thrown at me in the past year. It all reminds me of the softball games I played years ago. Sometimes, I caught the ball and threw it right back. Other times, I missed the ball completely, forcing me to waste time chasing something that at one point was right in front of my face. I should have seen it coming, but I just did not. Unfortunately, there were times where I did not even see it coming at all, and it hit me. It hit me hard. And, just when I thought I would never recover from the damage, I picked myself up and continued to play the game. These reactions all roll into one big metaphor that describes how I've reacted to different events in the past year. Looking back, I see that it does not really matter how I reacted. What matters is that I did react. I made it through. I continued to play the game. In sports terms, I "walked it off"...even when it really, really hurt.

Some of the changes I have noticed in myself are ones that I do not like. I have become withdrawn, anxious, and full of doubt. Oh, how tired I am... I am simply exhausted from the minute I wake up until the late hour that I finally fall asleep. I am tired every minute of the day. I feel like I am 100 years old rather than 21. I never leave the house, unless I'm going to class or doctor. I rarely leave the bed, except to do what I absolutely cannot avoid doing. I have become someone who feels defeated, even though I am fighting it as hard as I possibly can. Where has my energy gone? Where is my spunk? Where is my thirst for adventure? I'm tired of walking up a flight of stairs only to get to the top and feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I'm tired of being dizzy. I'm tired of struggling to stay at a healthy weight. I'm tired of people asking questions, assuming that I have enjoyed watching my body shrink. I'm just so tired... and I feel like nobody will listen to me when I tell them that I am so miserable that I cry myself to sleep the majority of the week. I want to feel like a 21 year old should feel. I wish someone could make this make sense to me. I am willing to do anything to just feel normal, just for one day. I know I'm not crazy. I know that something just is not right. I'm tired of not knowing what that something is.

One year ago, I was preparing to have my gallbladder removed. I was not scared at all, because I thought that it would solve so many of the problems I'd been having with my health. I was sick all the time, and I just knew that this would be the answer to my prayers. But, it was only the beginning. I was so confident and full of hope. I just KNEW that things would look up after that. During the fall semester, I was working hard and had really good grades. Then, I got sick again. I had another surgery, right during finals. It really affected my grades, even though I just KNEW that that would be my semester to shine and show my parents how well I could do. After the semester ended, I decided that I would have a great Christmas break and look forward to doing well in school in the spring. But, Christmas just did not seem right. It was just different. And, it will never be the same again. Right before the spring semester started, my life changed forever with the loss of someone I loved and admire very, very much. I was very sad for quite a long time. I'm still sad. I'll never stop missing his presence in my life and on this earth. Right after this, someone else that I love very much became very sick. I've been praying for his recovery ever since. You see, I thought that 2009 would be my year. Instead, it has become the year that forced me to stop focusing on myself and start thinking about everyone who had always been there for me. And, I have learned a lot about myself by learning about those who mean the most to me. I've learned that sometimes the only thing I can do is pray... so I do.

This year, I learned that love truly can conquer all obstacles. I have seen it happen right before my eyes at my church. Love has been the glue that has held me together in the past year, whether it be love between friends, love of a dream, love of laughter love of memories, love of God, love of family, or love between two people who cannot imagine life without one another. All that matters is that one's heart is open to receive love and return it with no outside motive. It is a cycle that mankind simply cannot exist without.

I have learned that it is okay to be afraid. It is perfectly normal to be confused, angry, or sad. It is okay to wish that things were different. It is okay to feel whatever one wishes to feel. Sometimes, it takes something painful to remind us that we are human, life is short, and that at some point, we will feel the happiness that sits at the opposite end of the spectrum. But, no matter what emotion a person feels he or she is drowning in, that person has to find the strength to just keep fighting. Fight until you just can't fight anymore, then let love carry you the rest of the way. It is all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

In the past year, I have not changed the world. But, the world has changed me.

We Change. We Grow. We Fly.

Last night, I had the pleasure of attending Talladega High School's graduation. Every person who came to watch these students receive their diplomas had the opportunity to hear precious words of advice from a woman that is very well known and highly respected in our country. Dr. Condoleezza Rice spoke to the THS class of 2009 about the unlimited possibilities that the world has to offer. Although I do not remember the words of my own graduation speaker, I know that I will never forget the advice she gave last night. Even though her words were directed to the students in the red robes, her speech went beyond the field, into the stands, and into our hearts.

Dr. Rice spoke about the importance of following one's passion, no matter how long it may take to figure out what that passion may be. As a college senior who changed her major her junior year, just as Dr. Rice did, I found comfort in knowing that I made the right decision for myself. The road that led to this decision was full of twists and turns, laughter and tears, fear and hope, and plenty of ups and downs. However, each obstacle that I had to face taught me something about myself that I would have not known otherwise. If every part of my college career had been perfect, I would probably already be out of school with a degree that would allow me to get a job. But, I doubt I would be doing with my life what I am meant to do. Conquering obstacles forces one to realize just how much he or she can accomplish. The best things in life never come easy. In fact, life's greatest rewards come from doing the things that terrify us the most. Dr. Rice spoke of a certain counselor that told her she was not college material. What would our country be like if she had listened to this bad advice? Fortunately, she chose to overcome that obstacle. She fought that battle. And, she won.

What if, when looking at the big picture, Dr. Rice was just meant to be in Talladega, AL last night? What if her words opened the eyes of someone who had also been told that he or she just would not make it as a college student? What if that individual one day becomes just as successful as Dr. Rice? What if the cycle continues, and this person one day speaks to another class, opening the eyes of another student? That, my friends, is the real American dream... to live, love, fight, win, and eventually change the world. That is what Dr. Rice has done. The point of all of this is that each student that sat in the red chairs on the football field last night has every chance in the world to do anything they wish to do. They can become whatever they wish to be. They can change the lives of others. They can follow their dreams. They can win their battles. They can overcome each obstacle that meets them on their road to success. They can truly make a difference in the world. And, I truly believe that they will.

I always attend THS graduations, even though I no longer live in Talladega. Part of knowing where you want to go is remembering where you came from. That is exactly what Dr. Rice has done. No matter how far she's gone in life, she has never forgotten her roots. And, she gives to others what was not given to her: encouragement, confidence, and an example that one can go as far in life as he or she wants. Success is to a person whatever he or she wishes it to be. Never let the world define you. Define yourself. One can never go wrong as long as he or she is following his or her heart. That is my advice to the graduates. Follow your heart. Always follow your heart. Don't ever give up. Don't ever stop fighting.

As I saw each student walk across the stage, millions of possibilities flashed before my eyes. When the hats flew into the night sky, I thought of my own graduating class, and I smiled from ear to ear. We have all come so far, but at the end of the day, we're still the same young men and women that we were at our own graduation. We're still fighting battles. We're still full of hope and adventure. We're still following our hearts. Every year that I come home for graduation, I want to still be able to feel as proud as I did last night.

The class of 2009 remembered the classmates they'd lost by placing red roses in the chairs that would have been occupied by these students. This especially touched me, because their remembrance for these students will continue long after those roses wilt away. Not a day has gone by that I have not thought of my classmates that have passed away. This is a form of motivation for us all, because we have the chance to do things that our friends will never be able to do. They live in our hearts, and each of our personal victories is a victory for our entire graduating class, including those who are watching over us from Heaven. The beauty of growing up in a small town is found in the friendships that last after high school AND college. Some people believe that growing up in a town like Talladega hinders one from certain opportunities. I have never found this to be true, though. I think that it gives people the type of bond that is much stronger than those found in bigger cities with larger schools. Nothing can hinder a person unless he or she chooses to allow it to. That is a fact.

To the graduates, I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations. Go out into the world now. It is your time to shine. Do not expect whatever path you choose to be easy, because most of the time the hardest thing and the right thing are exactly the same. May God bless each of you with the strength and will to succeed. In this day and age, technology makes it easy to keep in touch with anyone that you wish. Use this. You'll be glad that you did. Remember that time really does fly by just as quickly as everyone told you it would. Before you know it, you'll be graduating from college, getting married, having babies, or getting promotions. You'll be buying your own house, paying bills, and wishing that you could go back to the way things were, even if just for a day. This may not make much sense now, but you'll understand one day. Trust me.

Best of luck to each and every one of you.

Haley Lauren Thomas

Ratfaces make the best friends, in case you didn't know.

Statistics, Mouth Surgery, and May Monsoons

I talked to my mom earlier, and she mentioned that I had not written in quite a while. She was right! Honestly, I've been so busy with this summer Statistics course that I haven't had much to write about. My life hasn't exactly been interesting lately. Sometimes, though, I'd rather have a few boring weeks. It's nice to have a break from the madness that my life usually contains. :)

Statistics, as most of you know, is a math course. I really, really, REALLY do not enjoy math. I've always hated math. Surprisingly, I've done pretty well so far. I've studied hard. I've done my homework. The class is three hours long every single day, so it is not always easy to pay attention, but it is possible. And, I needed to learn that I CAN do math if I really try. This is a big hurdle for me.... and I'm jumping it. I'm jumping it big time.

Dr. K did a dental surgery for me last week. He had to cut my gum, lift it up, and smooth down a bone that had been causing me discomfort. I did not have any visible swelling on my face, but my gum has been extremely uncomfortable and quite puffy. I am not on pain medication anymore, but I'm making it just fine. :)

I'm starting to wonder if I need to build an ark or something. It has seriously rained EVERY SINGLE DAY IN MAY. Are we serious?? I'm tired of wearing my hair curly... but there is no flat iron in the world that can keep my hair straight and frizz-free in this kind of weather. Please... let's have some sunshine soon! I want to have beautiful hair again. Thanks. ;)

I hope all of you are doing well. I really miss seeing everyone. My friends are all in summer classes, planning weddings, starting internships, or getting ready to move away to grad school. It's so exciting, but it's sad, too. I'd love to go back in time for just a little while. Even with that being said, I'm also very proud of my friends. I'm so, SO proud of them. I told everyone from the start: OUR GENERATION IS HERE TO DO GREAT THINGS! Just wait... you'll see!

xoxo
HLT

My pets have taken over my life.

He likes to sleep like this.

Jake :)

Pickles isn't the nicest cat in the world... but she is definitely the strangest.

Jake is larger than me, but I'm not sure that he is aware of that fact.

Fat kitten!!

Another fat kitten!!

Basket of kittens (and Pickles, the mommy)

Hi :)

I was trying to take a picture of Jake, but he jumped off of the bed right before the flash. So, here is a lovely picture of my wall, haha!

Don't let their smiles fool you... they are not well-behaved beasts :)

RANDOM

RATFACE!

IN NASHVILLE :)