Today, someone that I barely know talked to me with pity, referring to the past two years of my life. So, I have to write this. I need to write this.... to that certain clueless individual, to myself, to my loved ones, and to the world. I need to express myself. I need to stand up for myself. I need a lot of things, but pity is not one of them.
Is this how I appear? Do I come off as angry, bitter, and hopeless? Do you think I need your attention, your pity, your knowing glances? Do you really think that you can look at me and read me like a children's book, relying more on illustrations than content? What do you really know about me, world? What are my dreams? What are my nightmares? What scares me the most? What makes me smile on the inside? Who am I when I am alone in the dark? Who am I when your back is turned? You think you know me? You think you really, really know me? Think again, and this time, you can do it without looking down on me. I do not want your pity, nor do I need it. Don't you dare feel sorry for me. You can love me, hate me, want to be my friend, or want to slap me in the face. You can think I'm hilarious, or you can call me an idiot. You can call me any name in the book. But, don't feel sorry for me, not even for the tiniest fraction of a millisecond.
For what seems like the longest time, I have ended each day by classifying it as either a "good day" or "bad day." I do not do this to measure which there are more of. Instead, I find comfort in seeing the number of good days continually increase. I do not keep track of the bad days; I endure them with as much power as I can muster. Then, the sun rises, and I start another day that will, without a doubt, bring some kind of lesson or change. I am more aware of every second that I am alive and breathing than I once was, because I know how very precious life is. You know how to can tell someone that is grieving from one that is not? Ask them the value of 24 hours. What one sees as priceless, another would react with the shrug of a shoulder. Someone that is finally feeling a sense of normalcy after a great loss would be able to give an immediate and detailed response if asked what he or she would do with one, whole day. They would have already thought about it many, many times, even deciding how far he or she would be willing to go if given the chance to bargain for one long, miraculous, final chance to say that one thing that would make all of this okay. And, there is no shame. There is emptiness. There is anguish. There is sorrow. But, there is nothing embarrassing, ridiculous, tacky, or pathetic about it. In order for someone to hurt that much and miss someone that badly, that person would have had to first experience love, friendship, admiration, and attachment. And, these things, these emotions, these states of being are far more valuable than the idea of a life without loss and pain. So, don't call yourself lucky for never having to experience great loss in your life. That is your own bargain to make, and in all actuality, it should be I that pities you for not knowing the kind of love that has surrounded me since birth. But, I don't, because you will not understand a word of this until it happens to you. And, one day, it will.
Life and death go hand in hand, and you cannot avoid one without also missing out on the other. One day, you will get a phone call, and find out something so devastating that you literally to forget to breathe. Your world stops turning as it all sinks in. And, you'll swear to God, yourself, and anything else you can think of that there is some way that you can reverse this. Then, you'll just give up, and feel guilty as hell for it, like you're leaving someone behind... like they're going to just fall away forever if you allow yourself to go on with your life. But, you'll just do it, because in your gut, you'll know that it is time. The sad days come, and every second of the day just seems so long, so dark.... so pointless. You'll wake up and truly realize that you will never see their smile again, hear their voices, feel their presence in a room, and it will hit you like a ton of bricks. And, you come to terms with it, because at this point, you know that you do not have another choice. You are tired. You are just so, so tired and crave a teaspoon-sized taste of life as you knew it before. And, it all starts to come back....slowly, and never quite the same, but surely. While I did go through these things, I never had to go through it alone. I cannot even begin to explain what everyone did for me, because they are the only reasons my life makes any sense. These wonderful, incredible, durable, and protective people just surrounded everyone like a massive blanket. And, the blanket kept us warm, dried our tears, and linked us together. So, don't pity me. While you are still questioning your capabilities, I feel like I can get through ANYTHING. I have done it. I have seen others do it. I am prepared to go through it again in my lifetime. I don't have to fear this anymore, because I know that no matter how bad things seem, everything will be okay. One day at a time. One valuable, perfect, precious day at a time.
Before you go, let me introduce myself to you officially, since you clearly have no idea to whom you are speaking. I am not "the sick girl", "the sad girl", or "the angry girl." I'll have you know that I gave a presentation worth 25% of my final grade in an extremely difficult Lit course two days after emergency surgery. I made an A. I took a final on the day of Uncle Randall's death, which was my birthday. I made a B. I wrote and witnessed someone read my Grandmother's eulogy, both the biggest honor and heartache I've ever felt. I held my head up high, and in a fashion that she would appreciate, tried to smile. I have seen people lined up in the freezing rain for two miles waiting to pay their respects to the family of a man they respected. While those two days are just a blur to me, I cannot help but feel entitled to a little respect for just surviving all of it. I am not walking through life angry with myself, others, or God. Sure, I'm still sad. I will always, always have a spot in the smallest, most fragile corner of my heart that aches to see them again. That tiny spot is what makes me who I am. It makes me feel so alive, like I've got these people standing in my corner, ready to cheer me on and watch me find my place in this world. If I ever feel lost or forgotten, they will be there. And, they will guide me back home, back to my blanket, and everything will be okay. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't waste your time with whatever satisfaction you get from feeling like you were blessed with good fortune, while poor, little Haley has horrible luck and was dealt a miserable hand by fate. Just stop all of it... stop hiding. Come out into the world and play. Stop worrying about what the world can offer you, and focus on what you can offer the world. That, my curious, opinionated acquaintance, is the real meaning behind our existence. Don't pity me for being so sick in the past, when I consider physical illness preferable to the various other health issues, like both the mental and terminal illnesses that plague our world. What kind of surgery will make your life interesting enough to take your attention away from the lives of others? Is there a pill that will take away your insecurity and experience true love? Because, I had surgery and pills for my health problems, and now, I'm as good as new....or even better. Who is going to fix you? Don't look down on me.... look at me smiling when I pass by you, and close your eyes when I leave you in the dust.
Now, you are free to judge me however you wish. This is who I am, and I make no apologies for it. I am really happy again, and I take the time to appreciate it. I may not know the value of a dollar, but I know the value of an hour. A second. A millisecond. I know that you never forget the way someone looked the last time you ever saw them. And, you will love and be loved. You will learn of the kind of love that makes you feel warm, like the way the sun feels on your face before church in Alpine, AL on a Sunday in the middle of Spring. The flowers are blooming, the sky is crystal blue, and everybody is so glad you're there. Everything seems right in the world. And, even if you only feel that once in a lifetime, I like to think that it is absolutely worth it. It is the closest thing to Heaven I have ever been able to imagine. That's where I want to be. That's where they are. You will get out life what you put into it, and as a woman that loves beating the boys at Texas Hold 'Em, it is sometimes worth it to go all in. Don't wonder who I'd be if my life had been perfect.... embrace the woman I am becoming, one that has a heart full of love, a mustang, and nothing to lose.
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