In a few weeks, I'll be saying goodbye to the house that I have lived in for the past three years in Jacksonville. And, it's a bittersweet thing, because so much has happened here. It has been a hideaway for me, somewhere that I can come to and escape all of the changes that were happening back home. It has been a refuge, at times, for myself and others. It was here that I found out about the deaths of the loved ones I've lost in the past two years. I can tell you where I was sitting each time. This is where I mourned, where I healed, and where I cried myself to sleep. This is where I saw the sun come through the windows the morning after one of those long, restless nights. There have been so many adventures here, so many nights of laughter, and long conversations about everything under the sun. I am ready to move on, but in awe that the time has passed by so quickly.
For me, though, it will feel really, really good to just be home for a few months. I kind of feel like there is something out there for me in this world, something that I am meant to see, and someone I am meant to become. I have no idea where life is going to take me, but I am not afraid to find out. And, I know that Talladega just is not the place that I will end up. It is not where I want to be, because I have already experienced all that it has to offer. I have. I know that. And, it has been a blast.... one for the record books, I'd say. We have all just outgrown it. When I met a few friends for a drink the other night, I realized that we are all in the same place when it comes to this. We will always feel some sort of tie to that town. We will always have the bond that people form when they grow up together. We will always have the memories. We will continue our big reunion nights when we come home for holidays. But, we are ready to go out on our own.... for real, this time. Sometimes, I wish that I could feel like that was the place for me, because there are perks to growing up in a small town. I never felt like a little fish in a big sea. I never went somewhere without seeing someone that I knew. And, I think I will miss that. I will miss feeling like I matter.
I will be glad, however, to be away from a place that can often be cruel and judgmental. In Talladega, I am my mother's daughter, and when people look down on me, it reflects on her. And, I really don't like the idea of that, because I am grown enough to take full responsibility for my actions and behavior. I am my own person, and I desperately want to go out and make a name for myself. I do not want to get special treatment because of who I know, because I don't think I should gain anything like that from someone else's accomplishments. I want to be respected for my own. I want to be the first one that calls my loved ones and tells them what is going on in my life. I want privacy. And, I cannot have these things in that town. If someone does not like one of my friends or family members, they give me mean looks, too. What have I ever done to them? Does that even matter? Some people can handle it, but for me, it is just a hassle. Defending myself got old a long time ago. The only thing you can do when it gets to that point is walk away.
It will always be my home, and I will always be protective of the place. I am going to have my last hoo-rah, and then, it is time for me to go. But, I will never, ever forget where I came from. To everyone there, I'd like to say thank you for the inspiration, good times, and life lessons. It has truly been a pleasure.
1 comment:
I think this post is significant because so many people can see themselves in what you have written. All your life, you knew where you would be living and what you would be doing a year, two years, or several years down the road. This is different, with its own blend of hope and fear at the same time. It's a time of highs and lows, dreams and this poem from American Lit class both dancing in your head. The right thing comes along, and you're glad that some of the tinsel cleverly disguised as gold fell through. And you find yourself, a generation later, telling others who are at that juncture, knowing that it's really not going to sink in until the right thing comes along for them.
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