sink or swim

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. 
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." 

 -Dory, Finding Nemo

Every once in a while, you will wake up and begin the type of day that changes your life forever. These are the type of days that really "throw you through a loop", as they say. One minute, every single thing in your life makes sense. The next, it is in shambles. The whole Earth seems to stop spinning, if only for a second or two. Your stomach slaps your feet when reality sets in, followed by brief panic. You are now officially in crisis mode, and it is your job to create some sort of plan that can successfully turn everything back to the way it was before the roller-coaster stomach feeling, the panic, and the loop through which you were thrown. These are the days that make us feel guilty for complaining about our boring, monotonous lives. These are the days that make us more aware of the deep attachments we have with certain people, ideas, hopes, dreams, and/or plans. These are the days that feel the longest, followed by nights that feel darker than usual. These are the days that make us feel most alone in this world. These days are long, dark, deep, and immense, like an angry ocean crashing onto a shore somewhere that feels so far away and so familiar all at once. These are the days that change our lives forever, because it is on days like this that we learn how to fight, persevere, and go far beyond what we assumed was our breaking points. These are the days that turn boys into men. And, it was a day like these that made a woman out of me.

I have a deep fear of feeling alone. By alone, I am not referring to being by myself somewhere, because that is not an issue. Instead, I am speaking of a feeling of complete and total emptiness, like an actual piece of your soul is missing. This feeling is raw and brutal, like it could rip you to shreds at any given second. It is almost like the whole world is spinning, but you are standing completely still, surrounded by other people living their lives like nothing had ever even happened. It is then that I feel like I'm in the middle of the deep, dark ocean, screaming for someone to stop and rescue me, and nobody hears my cries. Nobody stops to help. Nobody sees you flagging them down. They just stare right through you like you're not even there, like you had never even existed at all. It is then that Dory's words pop up in my head, saying, "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." And, it is then that I begin to fight back.

If something is so special to you that its absence makes you ache to your very core, it is worth fighting for. It is worth swimming for. It is worth breathing for. And, in your darkest hour, it is worth living for, which means everything. Everything. All of a sudden, no distance seems too long, no night looks too dark, and no ocean is too deep to conquer. You just find this strength inside of yourself that you never even knew you had, and you get through the day. Your mind is on one thing, and for the time being, everything else just matters less. You pull away from other people and distractions. You close yourself off from the rest of society, trying your best to block out all of the noise. And, you just focus..... you focus on the finish line, on the goal, and on the prize. From that point on, it is full speed ahead!

In an instant, it all makes sense again. And, you're not alone anymore. You're not broken or incomplete; you are whole again. You did not give up. You did not surrender. You saw the hand you were dealt, and you did not fold. You did not lose a piece of yourself. Instead, you found one, and it is more wonderful and perfect than you remembered. And, it does not matter what anyone else thinks or says about it, because this is your life, and true happiness is too rare and precious to ignore or fear. You just kept swimming, and sometimes, that is all you can do. Just keep swimming. Just keep breathing. Just keep fighting. Just keep loving. Just keep writing. Just keep praying. Just keep dreaming. Just keep surviving.

Yes, some days do change your life forever. Other days, however, change your life back. What matters, though, is that the person living that life has changed. What was once unappreciated will now be seen in a new light, because it will be through the eyes of a stronger, wiser, and grateful human being. I've always heard people say, "You never know what you have until it is gone." But, I think that you never know what you have until you watch it come back to you. Some people believe in soul mates, fate, and true love. I believe in people. I believe that we are all just looking for something or someone that makes us feel whole. And, I believe that we will fight like hell to keep it. If you are lucky, the person or thing that completes you is incomplete without you, too.

The truth is that the world around us is constantly changing, moving, and altering. There will always be circumstances we cannot control. There will always be days that make us feel like we're drowning. There will always be unfavorable situations that we are forced to go through. There will never be a day of pure perfection. But, there will be days that come pretty damn close, and for most of us, that is enough to consider each day we're here nothing short of a blessing. Some days change our lives forever. And, some days change us forever. It all starts with one choice: sink or swim.